Thinking about giving up

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

This guy is never going to marry you. Sorry I just dont think its gonna happen. You are just a warm body for him and the moment you push he is going to bolt like a spooked horse.

You have dumped him twice already because he cant move the relationships forward, and then all he had to do was stalk you and shed a few tears and you took him back. 

You arent his Ms. Right, you are his Ms. Right now. I would hazard a guess that he thought once your youngest child left home, that you would just be content to go along with life with no thought of marriage, but now you are pregnant, and its threw another wrench in his otherwise solid plan not to really commit to you.

Men make promises all the time, that doesnt mean they actually keep them. He has already promised you twice to move the relationship along and neither time did it happen, but shed a few tears and you took him back.

(comment moderated) 

Great father material right there, someone wishy washy about relationships, and from my perspective he is probably gonna be the kind of guy who walks in and out of his kids life whenever it suits him. 

Post # 47
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee

indigobee :  I can see your point there. 

What I was trying to say was that I disagree with a PP who took offense to someone else’s comment on the post and took it as bashing to OP. Maybe there was a difference in our interpretation of the tone of the comment in that sense. 

I think it’s important for all of us to remember that when you come on the internet for advice, you’re going to get varied responses all over the spectrum and that the advice can be taken with a grain of salt.

If you are easily offended, an online forum may not be the best method for getting advice. I don’t think (or I would hope not anyway) posters comment to tear other people down or make them feel worse. And at the same time we are entitled to our opinions and to give advice to the best of our ability. In that way, some people may be more blunt than others. Thankfully we have mods to keep an eye on the appropriateness of responses.

Anyway, OP, I don’t think this man is going to marry you at this point. I think you would be wise to have a heart to heart with him and lay it all out on the table. Now that a child is involved, you need support, whether it’s from your SO or from family and friends. I wish you the best and hope everything works out

Post # 48
Member
383 posts
Helper bee

He’s not going to marry you. You’ve made it abundantly clear how important it is to you, to the point that you even broke it off with him. He’s going to string you along year after year, and every time you try to leave he’ll beg and plead and cry and swear he’s going to change. But he won’t. If he was going to, he would have by now. You’re waiting on a miracle that isn’t going to come, and how much longer are you willing to wait? 6 months? Another year? Another 6 years? It won’t make a difference.

I feel for you and I’m sorry to write this so bluntly, but I feel like you’re trapped in the fairytale delusion, like your proposal is just around the next corner. You have every right to want to get married, but he is not going to be the one. Only you can decide what is more important to you – being with this man, or being married, because you won’t get both.

Post # 49
Member
8815 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

lynn1979 :  “How was I to know he wouldn’t commit to his promises?” — Because this was the second time. A year and a half in you broke up with him, he promised it would be different, so you took him back. Things were good for a little while, then went back to how it was before, so you broke up with him again, he promised it would be different, and you took him back again. It’s not surprising that nothing is different. Well, now you’re having his baby, so that is different, but his behavior is the same as it’s always been. He does not want the same things you want, no matter how badly you want him to want them. He’s not going to change. IF he marries you, it will be begrudingly, and after the wedding he’ll be the same half-hearted person that he was before.

Post # 52
Member
1123 posts
Bumble bee

lynn1979 :  You are more than welcome Bee. Keep that inner strength and focus. It is going to be bumpy but you can do it. I wish you the absolute best for you and your family. 

Post # 53
Member
4692 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

After his excuse about not liking timelines for major life decisions it’s clear he isn’t going to marry you. But now that there’s a baby on the way (congrats btw!) That should be your first priority, not weddings. You’re 15 weeks, with 2 older kids at home, going through nasty court proceedings with your ex all WHILE busting your ass trying to make ends meet. It’s time to take a long, hard look at your situation and prepare to raise this baby. 

Post # 54
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee

This guy isn’t going to be who you want him to be, he’s made that very clear through his actions, I’m sure he loves you, but his number 1 priority is himself. He will not marry you, he will not “look after you”, he will never be the partner you want and need him to be. It’s been 6 years and the only thing that’s really changed is you have a baby on the way, a baby I can guarantee this guy never wanted, when the baby comes along he will still not change, his number 1 priority will still be himself.

I think you’re really deluding yourself here bee, 6 years back is long enough to make a real commitment e.g. move in, get engaged etc with someone at his age, money is not holding him back, the only thing holding him back is he doesn’t want to, it’s that simple. You want progress and he wants things to stay as they are. 

The best thing you can do in this situation is lay everything out on the table, exactly what you want from the relationship, and if he can’t make concrete definitive plans with you e.g. we will move in together on this date, we will start looking for rings etc then walk. Don’t accept his excuses and delays, if he can’t agree to make plans and set dates ASAP then leave. He can still co-parent with you (please please do no take the terrible advice of another poster who told you to essentially blackmail him over seeing his baby!!) but you will be free to meet someone who has the same ideas about a relationship as you. 

 

Post # 55
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

lynn1979 : 

I did have one more sit down conversation with him. I have been clear on what I want and he dances around the answers. He said “I don’t like to make timelines for major life decisions” 

If he is being truthful, this is concerning.  

How does he run a business and retire early without setting goals and creating timelines? He should be quite good at it.

He let his previous relationship drag on for 10 years without following through on marriage.  You stated in your OP that his ex gf was ‘miserable’. I get that he has you believing it’s different with you; but it’s not shaking out that way. This seems to be what he does.

The mistake you made is one very common here on the board—falling for his Oscar-worthy theatrics.  It cost him nothing, on any level, to win you back, other than a few minutes of method acting. We tender hearted women get sucked in by this foolishness all the time. You’re not alone.

This guy has a lousy track record, Bee.  The best you could potentially get out of him would be a reluctant slow walk down the aisle. Would that be enough for you? Would you settle?

If you stay or move in, you would be betting the entire farm on a three legged horse. 

Post # 56
Member
1054 posts
Bumble bee

OMG “I don’t like to make timelines for major life decisions”. What a load of bullshit. What a complete ‘fuck you’ to the woman he supposedly loves, who is suffering financially and carrying his child. What a completely selfish ahole. I hope that comment made you mad. I hope you are just furious with him right now, because you need to be. I’m not you and I’m reeling.

I understand that you love him and you are emeshed in all of these emotions, but essentially he just told you that EVEN WITH A BABY ON THE WAY, he doesn’t see the need to be responsible or take your concerns seriously. Any decent man would have been sitting with you and planning out what your lives will look like with the new child, and he’s just sitting there shrugging his shoulders and saying, “Oh I know you are financially struggling and love me and want to be a family and all, but you know, I just can’t be bothered to plan that out with you.” The absolute GALL of the man. 

So here’s my advice. Dump him. Tell him that since he can’t be bothered to plan a future with you, you are going to go ahead and plan one for yourself. Tell him he can expect to hear from your lawyer for child support and custody arrangements. And when he cries his crocodile tears (probably so he won’t lose his precious money to child support) tell him, “Oh, I just don’t like to gamble around major life events, especially when I’ve played and lost twice already.” Oh this impacts his early retirement plans? TOUGH LUCK. Tell him that if he wants you back, he can schedule a date at a courthouse because you aren’t staying for promises, you aren’t staying for a fancy ring (just another promise), you are staying for nothing less than marriage and if he wants that with you it’s time to put up or shut up. Let him make the arrangements for it, you will show up in a pretty dress. Nothing less than that. 

Bee, you sound like a complete rockstar. You are raising two children, supporting all of you, dealing with your ex. You sound like a strong, loving person and you do not deserve the crap that’s been handed to you. But sometimes we deal with crap because we haven’t learned to recognize it and extract it from our lives early. If you hadn’t taken him back the first time, you might already have been married to an amazing man. You are still young. You still have time. You can still find someone great to share your life with. 

Post # 57
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

Bee, I wish you nothing but the best. 

I don’t know if you have any access to his income information, but you’re going to need to start thinking about that for child support. It sounds like he has side gigs that may/may not show up in full on his tax return.

Post # 58
Member
3523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I’m glad to see in one of your last comments that you have decided to move on with your life.  It does not take a man this long to decide to marry you.

Post # 60
Member
8265 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Well done you for taking what must have been a seriously hard decision. I just wanted to say, don’t delete your account and lose the valuable advice of the many many bees here because you got one rather vulgar response. 

And congratulations on the new coming baby. Might not have been planned, but l’m sure will be loved. 

lynn1979 :  

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