(Closed) Thinking about kicking a bridesmaid out of the wedding

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

wow! I am soooo soryr for your stress! what a horrible situation to be in.
I as well am having difficulties with one of my Bridesmaid or Best Man (my best friend, who happend so be my fiances sister – which is how we met) She is driving me nuts! and I dont know what to do either!
The girls on here will help! sorry I couldnt be of much help since I am trying to figure things out myself too 🙂

good luck

Post # 4
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Financially this is a very hard time for everyone.  Weddings in general are expensive even with helping others out.  I think you are both having a miscommunication and there is a lot of talking going on but not a lot of listening.  I think you need to sit down and have a talk with your Bridesmaid or Best Man, and explain how you feel and what you expected of her without being mean.  Then ask her how she feels about the situation and if she can understand where you are coming from.  You think you may know her financial situation but you are not taking into account student loans she may have or other bills and payments.  She also may not be aware of how important it is for you to have her involved in all the wedding activities and may be willing to make an effort to change. 

Kicking her out of your wedding will only make this relationship worse.  If you have been friends for 24 years I’m sure there is lots there to build on.  Just call her or meet up with her and listen.

 

Post # 5
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I don’t think you should kick her out, but I do think you should give her an intervention to see what her deal is. Sit her down and ask her what you need to do for her to be more involved in the wedding and ask her to get involved. Ask her also if she prefers to not be included, and just come as a guest. Clear the air and let the problems come to the surface so you know how to deal with them.

Post # 6
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I know it’s stressful…I had to do the unthinkable this week…after dealing with a friend (who became over the last six months a suddenly toxic friend) I’ve had to "dump her" as both a friend and as one of my bridesmaids..it’s really sad.

I remember when I was fresh out of college, I had student loans too.  I didn’t make much money.  And I had to pay for my sisters’ bachelorette party and two showers when she got married..BUT I did it and budgeted for it b/c she’s my sis and I love her.  Nuff said.

My sis also didn’t pay for my b’maid dress either.  I’ve always paid for my own.  Again, prioritizing.  It does not sound as if your friend is truly either a good $ manager or prioritizing her $ for she says one thing but does another with regard to her paychecks as she’s told you. 

You’ve paid for part of her dress.  That’s generous.  YOU have so much more to pay for as the bride.  I wouldn’t enable her anymore.  She’s probably thinking you’ll just (or else the rest of the wedding party) will pay for her on that night out..and that she will just kinda slide by.  I personally wouldn’t.  It’s not fair to your friends who are budgeting wisely and paying for their dresses and whatnot. 

forgot to add…she also says she CAN’T afford a shower or wedding gift…but she’s getting a dress, and a vacation out of it…When I married my x my sis and bro in law were veeeerrrrry limited on income.  She HAND MADE me a family recipe book and cross-stitched a lovely pattern that was placed on a gorgeous apron.  Both to me are priceless and even though they were inexpensive it was the thought that counted.  Sounds as if there’s little thought with this one since she said no gifting at all..hello?  Gift from the heart that’s inexpensive or free? 

Post # 8
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I fully agree with Chela, and I want to add this: My aunt and uncle (Dad’s brother and SIL) asked my mom to step down from their wedding party.  They’ll be coming up on their 20th wedding anniversary this month, and the relationship they have with my mom is still strained.  TWENTY YEARS.  If you value this relationship, find a way to work with her.

Post # 9
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I’m sorry this is the situation where you’ll have to say.  I love you and I want you to be a part of my wedding but because of the strain it’s putting on our relation ship I’d rather you came as a guest.

Post # 10
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think there are several things going on here, and I really feel for you.  She sounds like she’s being v. selfish.  You’ve already done what I would suggest, so I can see why you’re frustrated.  You might wait a week, though, to see if she’ll come around w.r.t. talking to you about it.

I’m not entirely sure what to say about kicking her out. I think you have to realize tht if you do that it will be the end of your friendship…and you have to decide where you stand with taht.  To offer some empathy, I have a similar (though not nearly so bad) situation.  And I think one of the hardest things can be to have someone you care about a lot hold up financial woes as a reason to not be supportive of you…esp. if you know that they are irresponsible or otherwise weird about money.  from what you’ve said, it sounds like she has a hard time parting with money for any reason.  I wouldn’t take her unwillingness to spend it on your wedding as an affront.  Sounds like that’s who she is. 

But I do think it’s pretty lame of her not to come to your B’ette party when you’ve arranged to have it be low cost and near her.  And I’m wondeirng if that’s related to the part about her being jealous.  I don’t think it’s an excuse not to suck it up and be supportive of you, but I’m just trying to say it might not have to do with you.  It’s a pretty big deal that she even admitted that, so it’s probably just the tip of how she’s really feeling about it.  Since it sounds like you’ve drifted recently, do you know how her love life stands?  Maybe she’s just having a hard time around all this (again, not an excuse, just wondering). 

As to what you should do, I’m not entirely sure.  It sounds like she’s become pretty selfish.  I know my Maid/Matron of Honor is feeling a bit like she’s never going to get married and I’m sure helping with my wedding stuff reinforces that, but she’s not telling me that…and she’s really giong out of her way to be there for me b/c she cares about me.  Your friend ought to be able to do that for you during one of the most important times in your life.  If she can’t, I think you have to weigh the friend she is now against your history.  FWIW I would probably keep her b/c of the history, but I can also see the opposite POV.  I do think, however, you should stop bending over backward to accommodate her.  Planning your Bridal Party just so she can attend is a really big concession.  I would say stop that right now and pay more attention to your sisters etc who really are going out of their way for you.  You can’t do everything…and after 24 years it may take a lot of energy to sort all of this out.  Even if you cut her out, there will be a mourning process for your friendship…my sister has been slowly mourning the loss of her relationship with her BFF for over two years now.  (It’s not all consuming or anything, but you won’t just cut her off and be done with it…that’s a big thing to lose.) 

Post # 11
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Sorry you’re going through this right now! My friend got married last year and one of her bridesmaids was doing the same thing your Bridesmaid or Best Man is doing. When my friend tried to confront her, she always avoided the confrontation and made up excuses. Then, less than 2 months before the wedding, the girl backed out of the bridal party completely and did not even attend the wedding (she got invited to another one and decided to bail on her committment to this one). I’m not saying that is what your friend is trying to do but you should definitely try to find out what her motivation is behind her behavior. I don’t think there is anything wrong with just asking her nicely, whether or not she is even still interested in being in the bridal party. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

ETP,

Although your friend’s behavior appears pretty selfish, she’s been a friend for a long time and it is clear that there is something going on here that is bigger than just money and funds. 

 Truthfully, based on my own experiences, I can really feel for your friend.  Several years ago I was living across the country, was getting ready to move again and  had gone through an awful breakup of an engagement just one year before.  I was totally broke AND in graduate school.  3 of my best friends got married IN THE SAME SUMMER.  While I was so happy for them, I just was tired of weddings being such a big deal and feeling like I had to pay so much money to fly all over the country and use all my vacation time to celebrate with them.  I knew when feeling that way that it was way more important in the long run for me to be present at their day, and looking back I’m so glad I did.  What I’m saying is that it is a lot to expect of friends to come to weddings sometimes.  I do think brides tend to get tunnel vision when planning and forget that they really are asking a lot of people to celebrate with them, and some simply may not see weddings as the really big deal that they do (I now udnerstand the other side of this as I’m planning a wedding!).  One of my friends was planning her big wedding so far away from where I lived, just one week before I was moving across the country! I even missed my 10th high school reunion to do all these weddings.  I told her I couldn’t make it, there was just too much going on.  She simply said "I can’t get married without you there.  You have to be there.  All I need you to do is come here and read a poem and just be with us."  When she put it like that, I realized how important it was to her and I was so glad I went. 

Your friend refuses to talk to you about this and you have a pattern of fighting and letting it blow over without either of you speaking your truth.  I suggest you write her a letter or an email really explaining how you feel.  Don’t make it about the money, make it about the commitment from her.  That is what you are really asking for her.  YOu’re reaching out as much as you can here so that she can be involved and if she can’t reach back then you can’t force her.  Let her know, specifically, what you need from her.  Give her a way of safely expressing to you if she can’t fulfill your requests.  Let her know you are stretched thin right now but you value the friendship and will do whatever you can. 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

At this point you still have time for her to back out.  Try to give her that out if she wants it instead of kicking her out.  Maybe she didn’t realize the financial commitment.  It sounds like she has problems managing money (she probably DOES use a credit card, but if you had maxed out your card, you’d never admit it to anyone).  Either that or all her money is going somewhere else…maybe drugs, gambling, or another habit that she’d be embarassed to admit to even you?  You may be friends, but you don’t live in the same city, and she may not be exactly who she wants you to see her as.  I would just have a talk with her and say you feel that she doesn’t want to be in your Bridal Party, and you feel like you’ve been pushing way too hard.  Apologize, then ask her if she doesn’t want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, that you would feel much better instead of nagging her every time you call her.  If she takes the out, she wants it.  If she puts up a fight about it, I have no idea what’s going through her head, but it gives you the chance to talk it out and ask her.  Hopefully she’ll step down (instead of being kicked out) if that’s what she wants.  I wouldn’t FIRE her though, it’s a relationship killer.

Post # 14
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I totally agree with fizics Girl! Well said, lady!

It sounds like your friendship is over, except for the history.  Just because a relationship is long-standing doesn’t mean it’s healthy, or one that allows you to grow.  Your pattern with her is to have fights and then not communicate about them, but it sounds like you’re starting to get perspective on the quality of the other relationships around you and are challenging your friendship with her to be better (ie making sacrifices for each other and communicating honestly about your feelings).  Doesn’t sound like she want to have that kind of friendship, and that’s a relationship impass, and your wedding is just getting caught in the crosshairs. I have a lot of sympathy for you because I have personally found it very painful when a friendship that I really valued was tested and I found the other person rejecting my attempts at improving the quality of our relationship.  It doesn’t sound like she takes your feelings seriously and I can imagine that must not only be frustrating, but it probably hurts too!

You have done a lot to try and make the friendship work, but you obviously sense that it isn’t gratifying for you anymore (especially when you bring up that you have almost nothing in common anymore, and you barely get along).  HSometimes it’s easy to get hung up on a picture we created in our minds a long time ago.  Maybe you always envisioned her by your side on your wedding day.  But did you ever envision her rejecting your attempts at saving an otherwise failing friendship? Or accepting your financial help when you are the one who is unemployed right now? I feel for you, because I know how painful it is to end a close friendship and how much time and energy it can take to weight the options and make a decision.  Remember that relationships take two, and ultimately you can only do so much before you reach your limit. 

Good luck and big hugs!

Post # 16
Member
14 posts
Newbee

Hi EngagedToPanda,

Maybe I can offer a different perspective here… as I have been "kicked out" of a good friends wedding before.  Sad… I know.  My situation was a bit different… I had A LOT of personal issues going on at the time.  Not only financially, I had just given birth to my first child.  Anyway…

You mentioned she said she was a bit jealous of you getting married.  Maybe she doesn’t really want to be involved in the wedding party and is afraid to let you down.  Have you straight up asked her if she REALLY wants to be a BM? It seems she has lots of excuses not to be involved with things.

I was in no shape to a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but couldn’t find the guts to tell her because I hated the thought of disappointing her.  So I did similar to what your friend is doing.  I made every excuse in the book about why I couldn’t be involved… and she eventually kicked me out. 

My friend and I have since resolved the issue. Looking back, I wish I would have been able to tell her the truth. She had a full plate at the time, with all the wedding planning, and so did I with the new baby… I didn’t think she could possibly understand. Turns out I was wrong…

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