Post # 1
I never thought I’d say this, but going anon here.
Backstory: I met my Fiance when I was 20 years old and still in college. We fell in love hard and almost immediately. I felt like I’d known him forever and he felt like my soul mate. I never felt that way about anyone and he was my first real boyfriend and the only person I’ve ever slept with. We were long distance for a couple years while we finished college and it was really hard to be away from each other; it felt like I needed him to breathe. When we graduated we moved in together and it was amazing. He was finishing up his bachelor’s and after he graduated we moved to his home town so he could go to grad school. Between the two of us we had enormous debt and his parents offered to let us live with them while we paid off our loans. Well, we ended up living with them for a few years and it was one of the worst times in my life. I realized that my Future Mother-In-Law is a judgmental and controlling person and I absolutely hated living there. I had left all my friends and family behind to be with my Fiance and I felt all alone. We went to lunch at the grandparents’ house every Sunday and if I didn’t want to go Future Mother-In-Law gave me the cold shoulder all day. I have a history of depression and with all this going on it got really bad. I got put on anti-depressants and started going to therapy, stopped going to the Sunday lunch, and tried to have as little contact with the family as possible and my depression got better. I eventually went back off the pills.
So finally, we moved out, my Fiance proposed to me and I expected everything to be wonderful. But my depression got worse. I think about my future with him and think, is that all there is? When I was younger I always wanted to travel and live out on the west coast and do exciting things and now I’m stuck somewhere I never envisioned myself living working a boring desk job. I feel like I wasted all my early 20s living with his parents and being miserable.
He’s still the same great guy. Still smart and funny and compassionate and there for me through all the ups and downs. He’s my biggest supporter and cheerleader. He’s always been my rock and my best friend. I’ve been with him for 7 years and always expected and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life but now I’m having these doubts. I daydream about quitting my boring job and just getting in my car and driving anywhere.
I can’t tell if it’s just cold feet, if everybody wonders if they’re doing the right thing. Or if I’m having a quarter life crisis? Or is this my depression – sometimes my depression can make it so I feel nothing, even for people I love. Or are these legitimate doubts and is he actually the wrong person for me? I never thought I’d feel like this.
Post # 2
You’re hanging on to a relationship you’ve clearly outgrown. It happens to all of us at some point but now it’s time for you to move on.
I know it can be hard when he hasn’t “done anything” and everything is going well but it’s important to heed that little voice inside you telling you this is a bad decision.
Post # 3
“He’s still the same great guy. Still smart and funny and compassionate and there for me through all the ups and downs. He’s my biggest supporter and cheerleader. He’s always been my rock and my best friend. I’ve been with him for 7 years and always expected and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life but now I’m having these doubts.”
The first part of that quote is likely why you said ‘yes’ to his proposal. And that he is still that same guy after 7 years is a good thing!
The doubts you note at the end of that quote – from what I read – aren’t about ‘him’ per se, but about what you envisioned about your life when you were younger. What our younger selves envision usually doesn’t marry up exactly to reality when we become adults. Is there a reason you & he cannot travel once married, maybe pick up & move somewhere else?
My sense is this is more about you/your feelings/cold feet than it is about marrying ‘the wrong guy’.
Post # 4
Bee, I can empathize. From 18-22, I was with a great guy. He treated me well and was hard working and a homebody. His vision for us was to get married right after we finished college and start a family at 24ish. I found myself not ready for that.
I wanted to spend my 20’s having fun, going on adventures, partying, traveling, etc. I left him which was hard since he didn’t do anything wrong. I met my now Fiance soon after and have spent my 20’s having fun and will settle down and start a family in my early 30s with someone more aligned with my goals and lifestyle.
Post # 5
TheMotherThing : We have traveled some and we have a big trip planned for our honeymoon. We talk about all the vacations we’re going to go on and the places we’re going to see and now that we have more money I know we’ll get to go on at least one big vacation a year.
He doesn’t want to move away from his family so I don’t think that will ever really happen.
I always dreamed of going on a big backpacking trip, one of those months on end in hostels deals. Because of my loans and jobs I never had the chance, but I did go on a 2 week backpacking trip with a friend and I missed my Fiance the entire time. That’s why these doubts are confusing me so much.
Post # 6
To me it sounds like cold feet. You can travel with him, you can backpack with him and he’s said he wants to travel too. Though I guess you do need to decide if moving cross country is really important, or a pipe dream.
Post # 7
sometimes the grass is always greener… it sounds like youre having an identity crisis.
see if you can take a sabbatical or some type of fmla stress leave. get out of town and go on a trip alone, somewhere you’ve always wanted to go and do some soul searching. sedona az, santa monica, ca, portland, or, whatever.
see if its just a wild hair or more.
Post # 8
I think you would be having these feelings about any relationship, not just the one you’re currently in. I don’t think it’s him, I think it’s more a matter of where you are in your life. I think it’s the desk job, being away from your friends and family, and living in a location that doesn’t make you feel at home.
There is no point in mourning your early 20s… you got a decent start on your loans by living with his parents, which is something to be grateful for. All you can do at this point is pick up where you are and start living. You and your fiance seem to have similar wants in terms of travel. Not everyone is able to take months to go on a backpacking trip, so I think it’s time to be realistic with that one. From your experience on your previous trip, I would say that you clearly want to share these adventures with your fiance, so I would start to work out how you will do that.
In the meantime, you need to TALK to him about how you’re feeling. Tell him that you’re not happy with your job or where you’re living. You may need to let him know that you’ll have to reconsider the relationship if he won’t consider moving or supporting you in a career change. This is about both of you; his family is detrimental to your mental health, and he needs to be amenable to your needs. Compromise.
Post # 9
I see bees all have their opinions on what it might be. Nobody can really know for sure, maybe even you can’t. All I know is that one shouldn’t make life changing decision while going through a depression. It’d try to get through it if you can, and see if you really don’t want ro stay with him or if it’s the illness talking…
Post # 10
This doesn’t sound like a problem with your Fiance. It seems like you genuinely love him and the idea of him as part of your future, just not where you think you’ll live or what you’ll be doing.
The best advice I can give you is to talk to your Fiance about your feelings. You guys are already planning to travel together. Tell him you want to move and that you don’t want to spend your life where you guys currently are. You say he doesn’t want to move away from his family, but you guys need to come up with some sort of compromise. It might not be the west coast, but it doesn’t have to be his hometown. Find a place where you can both be happy!
Post # 11
I think you’d regret it if you outright left him, from the sounds of it to me. I think you should express that you want to prioritize traveling more often with him. This is a relationship and you will probably have to compromise. You may live near his family, but maybe you save for a trip or two every year or other year.
At the end of the day, it’s your decision. But I would communicate your fears and desires before deciding anything.
Post # 12
ChasingZenith : What you said really resonated and I think my doubts could be coming from all the things you listed. I’ve never been good at making friends so I haven’t made any new friends here and the discord with my FI’s family has made the feeling of isolation even worse. And my job isn’t fulfilling me but I don’t know how to redirect. I think maybe part of why I’m feeling like running away is because I’m overwhelmed with all these things. Thank you so much for your comment. You gave me a lot to think about.
mtlgirl : This is what I’ve been afraid of. I don’t want to make a life-altering decision when I may not be thinking clearly.
carolinagirl1217 : I’m kind of afraid to talk to my Fiance about my feelings without understanding them more first. I don’t want to scare him and make him think I’m ending things unless I’m sure that’s what I want to do.
Post # 13
I’ve been with my husband since we were 16. Knowing you’ve been together from such a young age I feel I can relate to the relationship part (we werent LD or lived with fam though). When you are together so young you have a unique opportunity to grow up together within your relationship. There are so many couples that don’t make it (obv) because they grow up and grow out of the relationship. If you can grow up and grow the relationship as well, it’s really special.
You’ve both grown up – have you grown with the relationship or grown out of it?
I too actually have envisioned moving away and living somewhere else – however I’m realistic and know that I’d have to wait for a great job opportunity. I discussed this with H when he was just Boyfriend or Best Friend and he was honest with me about being scared to leave everything he knew, but if it was a good opportunity he would of course want to encourage us to go. “Good” would have be enough money to cover us for a while so he could look for a job, etc.
eta – my company recently aquired a company in Aus, so that was kind of what I was eyeing. Not just a total pick up and move, but actively looking at new opportunities there.
As a somewhat related side note, one of my friends’ BFs wanted to take a big backpacking trip, so he and his friend saved up for months and ended up doing it. My friend joined them for a few weeks and stayed at her job before/after. So that might be an option for you too. If this trip is really important to you but not to him, you could compromise somewhat like that.
Post # 14
doubtingbee : I wouldn’t tell him that you’re thinking about ending it, but that you have some concerns about the things you mentioned like travel, your job, and moving. His answers could easily make up your mind about this. Just tell him the things that you want and try to figure out what you guys could do together. If he’s unwilling to compromise or his answers don’t align with your needs, you’ll have more information to base your decision on.
As other posters have said, with your depression your thinking may be a little off. You could be overanalyzing and feeling empty for reasons that have nothing to do with him. That’s why I think you talk about these issues first before you confront him with the idea of leaving. But his answers may give you a lot of perspective you can’t have without understanding how he sees your future too. If he’s unwilling to compromise, you’ll know that and can take it into consideration.
Post # 15
Maybe the conversation you need to have with him is around whether or not he would be interested in joining you on some of the endeavours you want to pursue. Would he be open to moving with you? Even if it meant uprooting his life if it made you happy.
It doesn’t sound like you are questioning him but more so where you are in life. Would it matter if he could help you realize some of your desires?