Thinking about leaving my FI

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

But that’s where conversation and compromise comes in. How will you know how upset he will be or if he will be upset at all if you don’t discuss? Relationships are daily negotiations. Decisions that are made can always be changed, altered or reversed. Good luck!

Post # 18
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

About 2 years into dating my Darling Husband, I started to feel what you’re describing. I think it was mild seasonal depression. I felt cooped up. I lived hours away from family, no friends, not much to do. Just go to work, come home, make dinner, go to sleep. I was doubting our relationship, but that really wasn’t the issue.

What really helped me was talking to him. He knew I wasn’t happy just by my demeaner, but he didn’t know why. He’d try to buy me flowers and chocolates and bring me out on dates, but I just couldn’t snap out of it. When I finally started communicating with him what was bothering me, he planned a trip to Mexico for us for a week (I realize this isn’t always an option for everyone, but that’s what happened for us). It really helped break up the mundane schedule that I was feeling locked into. Ever since then, we’ve always planned winter get aways. Not always as extravagent as a trip to Mexico, a lot of the time it’s just a cabin rental in the woods for a weekend or something.

Also, talking to him and vocalizing what was bothering me really helped me to realize that it had nothing to do with our relationship. I’m not saying that this is your issue, but maybe talking to him can really help you pinpoint what is bothering you. If it is outside influences, or if there really is something in your relationship that is bothering you.

Post # 19
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper

MechEBee :  This is a very good point. There is something called seasonal affective disorder. It can probably happen in addition with your depression.  Of course ask your doctor Im not one. OP, See if you can get some sun and a break. Even a weekend. 

I should also point out my 20s werent what i expected either. Neither was my career path. In fact I failed my first attempt at a career and had unemployment after that. I had to start over at a lower pay and I feel like Im where i should have been five years ago. I also finished my 20s with a failed relationship. I started my 30s single and living at home. I now live with my husband. The point being comparing your life to the dreams you had at 20s is a bad bad thing to do. Life throws you for a loop sometimes. And sometimes its really really rough and awful. 

Plus depression on top of that is very hard. Be kind to yourself. You got this. Talk to your therapist about it. If you don’t  have a therapist get one. Theres nothing wrong with having help. Everyone needs help at some point. Take care and keep us posted. Hope this helps a bit. 

Post # 20
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

 

I think taking a step back and focusing on yourself might be good. Not leaving him nessesarily, just focusing on you and finding what makes you happy outside of him. 

You still nee to be YOU, even inside a marraige. 

I was 16 when I met my fiance. I am now 30 and we only recently got engaged. I always wanted to get married in my early 20’s, but he was 11 years older than me, and told me to wait. 

During that time, we traveled, learned, grew, I built a career, we loved and lost and through it all made it work. 

He proposed in October of this year, that night I told him how thankful I was that he didn’t let me jump the gun and allowed me to find who I am before entering into a marriage. 

It wasn’t always easy, believe me, I resented him a lot at times, but now I am so thankful. I had the chance to “do me” and find myself before getting deeply mixed into a marraige. 

Post # 21
Member
697 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If being around his family made you ill to the point of having to go on medication and then having to avoid contact with them, it sounds like you would be better off with someone else. If you marry him, his parents aren’t going away. 

Post # 22
Member
10085 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

arriaza415 :  You started dating a 27 year old at 16? 

Do I have that math right?

Post # 23
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

slomotion :  You did. Unconventional. I was always a bit of a odd-ball. I graduated high school at 15, my life was just a little different than most. 

Post # 25
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

doubtingbee :  I can relate. I had moments where I was trying to figure out what the heck I was doing and who I was outside of him. It was a challenge, but he worked hard to give me that space and he recognized the need. We moved in together when I was in my early 20’s and only lived together for a few years, we decided that I should live on my own first. This was a weird decision some thought, but it helped me SO MUCH. We stayed together, that didnt change, he moved in with his parents and I moved into my own studio and it changed my life, that was where I found myself, in a tiny tiny studio I built a career, I traveled the world, I discovered myself and we managed to strengthen our bond. 

Post # 26
Member
879 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

A few things struck me.  First, I think a lot of us look back and realize a certain period of our life wasn’t exactly as we expected it would be.  Some of this I think is just becoming an adult and realizing we can’t control everything in life and that often things unfold in a manner we didn’t expect.  My early 20’s weren’t great.  I was living in a city where I was no longer happy and muddling through some pretty siginficant depression and anxiety issues.

One piece of advice I would give you is to seek help for your depression if you aren’t already.  Not only is it hard to make sound decisions when you’re in the haze of anxiety or depression, but I’ve also found that therapy makes it much easier to sort through my feelings about things.  It’s definitely help me to identify what in my life is making me unhappy and then to develop a plan from there (i.e. is it something I can change or is an unchangeable thing I need to accept or is it something that I have to deal with for right now but will eventually change).

Two, it also seems like you might need to diversify where your happiness and fulfillment in life is coming from. Back in my early 20’s I wasn’t diversified enough in where I got happiness from.  This is very much related to the afformentioned mental health issues.  My social anxiety meant I didn’t have a great support system.  And I also had some unresolved issues with my parents that kept me from acknowledging and pursuing what made me really happy.  Since I started to diversify where my fulfillment came from I think I’ve been more realistic in what I expect from my partner and more grateful for what he brings to my life.

I also think, and this relates to my therapy point above, you need to do some soul searching to separate what you really need from what might be a fantasy of things being greener on the other side.  Start incorporating the things that make you happier and see how you feel.

Post # 28
Member
879 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

doubtingbee :  Sure.  I’d say in my early 20’s it came from:

My partner

My job

What my parents thought of me

Now I have a bigger, more diverse friend group that I do different things with.  I also make a point to cultivate hobbies.  I love cooking and reading and spend a lot of time doing both.  I also got really involved in a particular fitness class I like and eventually took the next step to become a certified instructor.

I have other friends who’ve found a passion for Junior League or volunteering or dog ownership.  I think it’s whatever floats your boat.  I just try to have enough different things in my life so that if one thing (these days my job) is sucking it doesn’t feel like my whole world is coming to an end.

But I will say this didn’t happen over night.  Once my old relationship dissolved (unlike yours mine was not healthy and my partner didn’t want the same commitment I did I started devoting time to hobbies & new friendships.  I will say it’s easier to do this when you’re single because you can be a little more self-focused, but still definitely doable in a relationship.  I pursued the fitness instructor training while with my fiance and he was my biggest advocate and support for it.

Post # 30
Member
879 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

doubtingbee :  I think you might be.  And as someone who has suffered with depression as well I think it’s not uncommon for that to happen.  It’s also counterintuitive but I think by individually pursuing more side hobbies and friendships it’s made our relationship stronger.  It gives us interesting things to talk about when we’re together and makes the time together feel more precious.

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