Thinking about leaving my FI

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

I can relate to your post OP.  I lived with my Fi’s parents (for 6 months) after we graduated to save money while we waited to start our jobs.  Most. Miserable. Experience. of my life.  I learned a lot about his family dynamic too and we fought weekly about it (primarily his mom).  

We live together on our own now, and I still don’t like seeing them.  The difference between our situations though is that Fi is just as annoyed by his mom as I am. I have learned that bitching about her gets me nowhere, it has to come from a compassionate place.  

I think you need to either establish a good friend group where you are (which can be so difficult), or move to where you have friends.  I’ve tried my best here in his home state, but next year we are moving to mine.  We live at the beach now and will be moving 7 hours north to colder weather.  I do feel bad about asking him to leave, but he understands that I cannot continue to live like this.  Similarly to you, I was relying on him for ALL of my happiness. I’m an extrovert and a social butterfly, and the most socializing I’ve gotten is seeing the regulars at the gym.  I’ve tried making friends, and while I get along well with plenty of girls here, none of them have developed into deep meaningful friendships.  

Part of being an adult is self-care.  And wanting to move closer to your family and friends does not make you selfish, it makes you aware.  I’m nervous for my Fi, but I have such a large and close-knit network at my home that I think he will be just fine and maybe even happier once we leave here.  It’s nobody else’s job to make you happy besides yourself, so absolutely do what you need to do whether that be going on a solo trip, a new job, making a move with your Fi, or whatever it is.  

Post # 32
Member
637 posts
Busy bee

doubtingbee :  Just because you get married doesn’t mean you have to give up on your dreams. You can make anything work if you try hard enough. I lived away from my husband for 6 months living out a dream, and he supported me the entrie way. I backpacked in Europe for a month with 3 of my best girlfriends. I did save and pay for everything myself, but my husband kept depositing money into my account to make sure I could be comfortable. Who said you have to spend every day under the same roof???

Also, enjoying your job is really important too. Its always been difficult for me when I dislike my work. 

Post # 34
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

doubtingbee :  We do still see his family. His mom used to expect us for dinner EVERY WEEK NIGHT when we lived with them and for a short while after. We just stopped going, and then his mom was always trying to come over to drop off friendly gifts, or asking us to join them for everything else under the sun besides dinner. I suggested that we have monthly dinners with his family. While I still see them more than I’d like, it’s much more bearable and I know that I can mentally prepare myself for the once a month dinner. And also… wine 😉

I don’t know his family’s dynamic, but once a week lunches sounds like a lot imo. I love my family but wouldn’t even want to see them for lunch once a week haha.

Do you feel some sort of power struggle with these weekly lunches? Like he is continuously choosing to go knowing how you feel about it. 

Post # 36
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Oh my gosh Bee, I thought it was my own story when I started reading your post!  I completely understand where you’re coming from. 

I got together with my now husband when I was 17 (first serious boyfriend), did the long distance for a bit also. Moved to his city, did the whole living with the in-laws (along with their weekly dinners with extended family and all).  During that time, my self-confidence (which was never that high) plummeted. I was also diagnosed with depression and started seeing a counsellor as well.  When my depression got really bad, my parents forced me to move back home with them (which helped).  I came off medication around this time as well.  I did move back to my boyfriend’s city, and we ended up moving back to his parents again to start saving for a house for about 8-10 mths. It felt like forever and I was constantly crying in our room.  My husband understood and felt the same frustrations about his family as I did. He’s stuck with me through my lows and highs. 

Like PP said, I don’t think this is necessarily about your Fiance, but rather where you are in life and maybe what you feel like you’ve accomplished.  I get it.  There are so many places I want to visit but haven’t.  But that’s not to say that I will never travel, it’ll just be more spreadout in life, and may involve kids, coz that’s what my life can afford since I haven’t won lotto.  There’s no reason why you can’t travel on your own or together with your Fiance.  I was unhappy for a lot of my early 20s as well, but guess what?  Life doesn’t have to end there!  Nor does life end when you get married!

In relation to your question as to whether he’s the right person for you…only you can really know.  You need to have an open and honest conversations with your Fiance, with a “I’m been feeling like life is a bit unfulfilled, I’ve thought about how when I was younger I wanted to do XYZ…” approach.  I’m sure your Fiance, since you say he’s the same supportive guy, will still want to support whatever goals you have.  You need have a honest talk about the future, what you both want in it, and work together towards it.

And definitely keep up therapy if you’re still going through episodes of depression 🙂 Good luck!!

Post # 37
Member
31 posts
Newbee

doubtingbee :  I was you about two years ago. I was afraid to tell anyone I knew in person my doubts about my relationship. Because to be honest, everything was fine. We were best friends. We got along. However, often, I would be laying next to him in bed and think about those dreams you are thinking about now before I’d fall asleep. My dreams were about falling in love. Falling in love with someone else. Scary and terrible, I know. 

I kept saying to myself that this is the only guy I’d ever been with, that’s how relationships are. The honeymoon phase is over, yada yada.

I continued to feel this way, and it started showing it’s ugly head without me even saying anything. I gained a bunch of weight, lost my strive, forgot who I was, became depressed, never wanted to go anywhere. I thought something was wrong with me. I never once thought it had to with me being unhappy with my relationship; therefore, myself too.

Two years later, today, I am single. I’m happy. I’m me again.

I’ve been single for about a year now. I still miss him sometimes; he was my best friend. However, I didn’t and don’t love him anymore. 

My lesson that I learned: Don’t be afraid to be alone. It took me about 8 months to be ready to date again, but I’m now in a very good place. Lost my weight, have my dream job, and don’t go to therapy anymore.

When we broke up, I remember coming back to my thread a little over a year later, that I eventually deleted, laughing at myself. I was too too scared to end it; probably would’ve saved a lot of heartache. Oh well, you live and you learn.

I literally wrote the exact same things you have written.

I’m not saying you should break up with significant other, but I’d say to definitely reflect and be honest with yourself about how and what you are feeling. It might be nothing. It might be something. Don’t brush it off. 

 

Post # 38
Hostess
3158 posts
Sugar bee

Bee, from your OP and your updates, it sounds like at least some of your negative feelings are centering around his family. Do you feel like you’re getting a package deal, and you’ll be trapped with them for the rest of your lives? I really urge you to check out DWIL Nation on babycenter. It might be very helpful for you to get clarity on the situation, and to get support.

Post # 39
Member
8 posts
Newbee

I think you just need a travle with your Fiance. You two need to relax and space to get away from the old life. If you feel uncomfortable, then quitting doing it or reducing doing it. Do whatever you want and like to comfort your soul.

Post # 42
Member
945 posts
Busy bee

doubtingbee :  many of my friends went on a solo trip before they got married. to travel and see the world, only to find that they miss their SO a lot. home is where the heart is.

are you able to take off from work to go on a solo trip for a week or two? im not asking u to ditch your Fiance, but to sort out how you feel about things – the whole see the world, backpacking, living in hostels experience you’re seeking for. i did mine long before i met my Fiance, when i was in between (belated quarter life crisis) – 16-day solo trip living in 10-bed hostel dorms and yeah… it was fun, while it lasted. i was so tired of eating in hostel kitchen, meeting random hi-bye friends. i’ll probably go on another solo trip after i finish my PhD. but yea, i know i’ll miss him like crazy when he’s out there working while im on a trip.

i’d encourage u to go for a trip yourself if that’s what your heart desires, to sort yourself out. you gave me the impression that you and Fiance are more in love and more compatible now than before, but you’re afraid you’re missing out something by not being in the “hyped” area for younger people. well, people grow old all the time. one day, those places would be just another place where young noisy little ones who don’t know what they want yet live.

hugs!

Post # 43
Member
385 posts
Helper bee

This is hard but I understand where you are coming from. I think this is more about you and your personal unfufillment then your Fiance being the wrong guy. He sounds lovely and there is no reason why you and him can’t make dreams come true together. You should talk to him about how you feel and I’m sure he will be a great help based on your description of him. 

If you want more out of life I don’t think a marriage will stop you. I was always a free spirit and I found that my husband is wonderful and nurturing that part of me. We take a lot of weekend trips because he knows how much I love to travel. He lets me have alone time because he knows I crave that time alone to write and just  think.

 

Post # 44
Member
2021 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This doesn’t sound like you have doubts about your Fiance, but about his family, which is legimitate. If you marry him, you marry them. That’s just fact. Even if you avoid them now, if your Fi is close to them, he will want to see them and may grow to resent you for not wanting to. Also, once you have children (if you have them), your Fiance may want more interaction between you and his family and want your children to know their grandparents.

Your in-laws are also what’s preventing you from moving away.

What you need to decide is if your Fiance and a future with him is worth dealing with your future in laws.

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