Thinking about leaving my FI

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
2003 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

doubtingbee :  I’m sorry, that wouldn’t be enough for me. It’s not definite enough for what he’s thinking and feeling. It sounds good to say that you’ll work out whatever comes your way, but it’s very vague.

Post # 48
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

doubtingbee :  So basically you two only have eachother for social fulfillment (aside from him having his family).  No wonder you feel complacent!  Do you have friends at your home? I think you should talk with your Fi and tell him you want to move and see what his reaction is.  If he can’t/won’t ever leave his family, and you are miserable with this current status quo, and he won’t see them less, then you may have come to a breaking point.  Either way you are going to continue to have these feelings until you come up with a solution, so I’d probably bring it up sooner than later. 

Post # 50
Member
294 posts
Helper bee

How well does your fiance rein in his family? It sounds like his family’s behavior and proximity to you to is a cause of stress. 

Many of us do not get to live the exciting lives we envisioned for ourselves. Real life often takes over. 

You can still travel with your fiance. Have a heart to heart discussion with him about your feelings. I don’t think that breaking up with him is necessary but you’re the only one who can make that decision. He sounds like a wonderful man who adores you so maybe you can work through this together. 

Post # 51
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

doubtingbee :  I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I went through a similar situation two years ago, and I don’t envy you. I left, and it was the best decision I could have made for both of us.

A bee posted this on my (anon) thread when I was going through something very similar, and it really hit home for me. I hope I helps you, too.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.”

http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

Post # 53
Member
6827 posts
Busy Beekeeper

doubtingbee :  Is there someplace geographically between his family and your family where the two of you could comfortably live, work, and begin a new life together? It seems the only reasonable compromise. 

Post # 54
Member
294 posts
Helper bee

doubtingbee :  

Being unable to stand up for you is not a good sign. I don’t like the way your fiance dismisses your feelings about your MIL’s comments. 

My Mother-In-Law is awful but my husband always politely puts her in her place when she’s rude to me. 

Anyone would be apprehensive about joining a family with a controlling and rude matriarch. Do you think that’s part of the reason you have misgivings about marrying your fiance?  

Post # 56
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

“We had a fight a few weeks ago because I was telling him that he needs to set boundaries with his mom because she thinks she gets a say in everything we do and doesn’t accept our decisions or treat us like adults.”

I don’t think any of your concerns are unreasonable. I’ve had the exact same coversation with my Fiance.  Remember you can only control yourselves and not other people.  Is Fiance dishing all the details of your lives at Sunday dinners with the grandparents?  Mom can’t get a say in everything you do if she doesn’t know everything you do… Your fiance needs to recognize this and fix it.   Mom can know of your lives sparingly and she doesn’t get a say in your decisions unless both of you request it. Sorry you’re dealing with this, I know how consuming it can be.  I was a total wreck trying to navigate the waters of crazy Mother-In-Law.

Post # 57
Member
31 posts
Newbee

doubtingbee :  Well, I moved out a few months before we offically broke up. I started feeling like myself again within a matter of days. Still didn’t realize it was because of him. 

Whenever we would spend time together, while living apart, those same old negative feelings would come back.

The icing on the cake was when I went on a trip with his family for 9 days. I was miserable. 

Spend time apart, it will give you the answers you need.

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