(Closed) Thinking about my ex? Confused!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You can never go back. I have thought about this on multiple occasions and it wouldn’t be the same. You have both changed as you have grown up and even though casual conversation seems like,you miss him and want him he is not the same person you were in love with. 

Post # 4
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@tristianelizabeth:  +1

 

@Anon513:  Also, don;t forget, just because it looks on the outside like things have changed, doesn’t necessarily mean that they have. I had an ex like yours – we dated for 10 years from ages 14 to 24. When I finally got my life together and started to move on, he came back and said he had changed bla bla bla even though he had a gf. I didn’t fall for it, I stayed away (and I didn’t have an amazing Fiance at the time like you do). I found out very soon thereafter that  he hadn;t changed at all and was cheating on his gf, and getting into all sorts of things (pills, etc). I’m not saying people can’t change, because they can (I have), but it’s the exception, not the rule.

Post # 5
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It sounds like you definitely need closure. I want to say you should see him in person to just shut the door for good, but that could also end badly if the feelings come back when you see him. But honestly, if you’re not planning on acting on these feelings, worrying about thinking about your ex will only escalate it in your mind. It’s normal to remember your exes from time to time and occasionally think “Hm, wonder what would have happened if I had stayed with him?” But you’re only remembering the good parts of the relationship.

It sounds like you have a good thing right now with FH. Don’t taint it by romanticizing this past relationship. If he didn’t have his life together then, he probably doesn’t have the inner drive to achieve, and you would have to shove him to push himself. If he cheated then, he’ll cheat now. Maybe he stopped smoking pot, but the other issues don’t just go away.

Post # 6
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

1) You are missing  the idea of him, not the real him. 

2) I also started to worry because there were times that I would think alot about my ex. But I realized that I was doing it right when Darling Husband were hitting parts of our relationship where we were getting closer. I finally realized that thinking (idealizing) this other person kinda took away some of the scary stuff that comes out of getting closer and closer to someone (and Marriage, even to the best person for you, is scary) So now when I start to think about Ex, I smile because I know that I’m getting closer to Darling Husband.

Post # 7
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee

@Anon513:  I’ve been in the EXACT SAME situation. Once I finally hung out with my ex, I realised it was over for good. I had all these romantic ideas at first, but don’t let them fool you. If you are not wih him, there’s a reason. I thought that once my ex got through his personal issues, perhaps we would have a chance. You know what? If you were really in love, you would have gone through and supported him through his life. You didn’t (nor did I), and that means you the two of you were not meant to be. I’m guessing that if your Fiance started smoking pot, you’d make more of an effort to change things, etc, right?

Don’t let the “what could have been”s ruin your relationship. You’re freaking out a bit, and that’s normal. Just don’t put all those emotions onto your ex. 

Post # 8
Member
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Anon513:  Break off all contact with your ex! You shouldn’t be talking to him. Block him, unfriend him, avoid him. Stop talking and the feelings will subside.

Oh and as for the what if: I bet he returns to the old ways, and you’d be with a pot-smoking cheater. p.s. If he cheated on you, he didn’t love you.

Post # 9
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is pretty common in the months leading up to a wedding – I’ve heard similar stories from so many people. It’s totally normal. Just remind yourself that you broke up with him for a reason and that you’re with a man now who didn’t need fixing to be a good partner. It’ll pass.

Post # 11
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

How long have you been engaged? Since getting engaged I frequently have dreams about my exes. I call it my Parade of Exes, haha. I just chalk it up to my mind trying to work out getting married and saying goodbye to my old life.

Post # 12
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Anon513: Ok my view on the “ex” thing has always been….yep, they change sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst…usually better though. The person you “loved” back then (even as messed up as they were) has changed and will NOT be the same person you “loved” back then. So really what is the point?

 

 

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