Post # 1
Hello. I posted some time back about being with my SO for 5 years, living together happily for 2, and what I assumed to be a perfectly happy relationship. After seeing couples in the family who have been together for 3 months get engaged, or couples who are constantly back and forth with each other make a decision to have a baby, I decided it was time to have the talk. I have been at my SO’s beckon call for 5 good, solid years together. I deserve to know where we are heading. Now I am starting to feel sorry I asked. See my SO does not like serious talks and will avoid them at any cost, he didnt want to give me answers, but I needed them, and I told him I wasnt going away without one. I just wanted to know why after 5 years, me being 25 him being 30, both of us with stable jobs, we split the bills and have been completely content, I want to know why we arent moving forward. His answer…”I dont want to lose half of everything I own” WHAT?! I work full time and go to school 4 nights a week, which I pay for myself by the way. I have been working since I was 15 and never take from anyone and I have told him before if that’s his fear then get a prenup and I will gladly sign it, I want him not his things! He bought that house after we had been together for 2 years, I helped him with everything before I moved in, did his laundry, his cooking, his cleaning, I pay for things for the house, I pay bills for the house but none of that matters to me! I just want him! Now, I dont know what to think. I told him he’s off the hook because I wouldnt want to marry someone who could think that of me anyways. Now I dont know what to do, where to turn, maybe our relationship is just collecting dust at this point. I thought when you were with the one you just knew, and I felt that way about him but apparently that feeling isnt mutual. It’s just very hard to see something you’ve worked so hard on for 5 years slowly crumble away with just one conversation. I’m scared it’s over
Post # 3
@sunflower7: he knows pre-nups exist right? I think that you too will have to be able to have these conversations. Even if it ends with we’ll be together and never married.
Take some time and then talk to him again about your future. tell him you want to figure it out together, not push him in any direction. Hopefully he’ll be receptive.
In my experience, my SO really responded to me formally modeling our relationship. it made the whole thing purely logical (and i guess nerdy).
Post # 4
If marriage is something that is important to you and this man doesn’t want to marry you, then yes, I would say it might be time to move on. Five years throughout your early twenties is a LONG time to be with someone, especially when they aren’t on the same page you are. It sounds like you feel there’s been a lot of sacrifice on your part and he’s not meeting you even halfway regarding what you want for the future. Avoiding serious conversations is a huge hallmark of someone who is not very mature – I suggest trying one more time, maybe write him a letter outlining how you feel and what you want for the future.
If he doesn’t feel the same then yes, I urge you to end it. You are so young and have so much time to figure things out and settle down with the RIGHT person – aka, someone who shares your goals and wishes for the future.
Post # 5
@sunflower7: If one person in the relationship wants marriage, and the other person in the relationship is against marriage, you two are inherently incompatible. Unless one of you changes your mind (without the influence of the other), you will just end up resenting each other.
Post # 6
I am very sorry that you have been put into a situation like this. I know you love and care for him, and the grief you are experiencing right now is very real and very painful.
An inability to have a serious conversation is a serious problem – and this is something that probably needed to be addressed when you first moved in with him. It’s not uncommon for men and women alike to move in with one another, thinking it’s a step toward one goal when a partner thinks it’s just “shacking up.” I have been living with my fiance for two years, but had many talks with him beforehand about where we were going with it. However, you were happy with this man and probably had little reason to think that his explanation would be, “I don’t want to lose half of my stuff.”
I wish I could tell you, “I think it’s going to work out fine,” but I think I would be doing you a major disservice, sunflower. I’m going to guess he’s seen a lot of divorce in his family, among his friends, and probably heard a lot of griping from divorced men. Or maybe he’s just spending his time on sites where men believe that “all women” are just money-grabbers waiting for the divorce. In any case, these are hard beliefs to dissuade – especially when you have been a shining example of the opposite for 5 years. If he can’t see your character now, and if you’ve already told him you would sign a prenup, I don’t see much hope for this relationship.
I DO see a lot of distrust going forward as that mentality spreads to other things – i.e., I wouldn’t be shocked if he eventually concludes that you are cheating on him, you’re spending money on things he feels you shouldn’t and so forth. He’s already showing insecurity, and a self-destructive path wouldn’t loom far behind – driving you out of the relationship would in effect solve the insecurity. He’d no longer have to worry about you taking everything he has!
Think on this a few days, sunflower. You know him better than anyone. Do you think going for premarital counseling with him would be a good idea? Maybe a professional can dissuade him from these myths. But this can also take a good, long while – how many more years of your life are you prepared, or willing to invest, if he doesn’t want to marry you?
Post # 7
“I don’t want to lose everything I own.”
Translation: I like having you around, having sex with you, and living with you (not to mention splitting living expenses with you), but at some point this might end, and when it does I don’t want to suffer financially. Sounds like he needs a roommate.
Sorry OP, that would break my heart.
Post # 8
That’s exactly how I am viewing it, and it is heartbreaking. I am very convienent for him. I could kick myself for moving in with him without any sort of talks like this earlier in our relationship. Shame on me.
Post # 9
I think @MissCalifornia:
have given you some excellent advice.
Although, for a number of reasons, I personally am opposed to the idea of living together (or even having sex) outside of a marriage relationship, for the majority of bees who are in favor of it, I would strongly encourage that the individuals involved have a very open discussion from the very beginning about where they desire to see a relationship headed before one person ends up feeling as if he or she has invested so much in a relationship that simply cannot move forward along the path that he or she hoped or expected that it would.
I’m so sorry that you have found yourself in this frustrating situation, and, if marriage is important to you, I hope you are able to walk away from this relationship, as painful as that may be, so that you will be in a position to someday meet someone else who more closely shares your hopes for the future.
Post # 10
Thanks so much for the advice. It’s funny because I actually come from the family with a lot of divorce and distrust, his family is among the happiest I have seen. But I do know some guys he works with are always griping about their divorces. I dont think that helps. I just feel like after 5 years together, he would know me better than that. I have a very independent mentality and always have, literally since I was 15. Maybe it’s just an excuse? I may never know. He has mentioned he wants children, and I know you dont need to be married to have kids these days, but that’s what I want, I want to be married and have a family. It seems like he would be content with having me pop him out a kid, without fully committing to me. It’s all very confusing. Why would I have a child with someone who cant marry me because “he doesnt want to lose half of his stuff” Total BS
Post # 11
@jocember: @housebee: I believe you are right. Sadly, this may be what ends it for us. It seems like maybe we are just wasting each others time now
Post # 12
If marriage is important to you and he’s not interested in it at all, you should break up with him. Because at this point, he’s wasting your time. He should have been straight with you as soon as you started getting serious that he’s afraid of marriage.
Post # 14
Yes he should have been, I’m very angry with him for that. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m confused. Things were fine until I asked him about our future, I guess it’s a good thing I asked before I invested any more time
Post # 15
Thank you. It is very important to me. And I know people say it’s overrated, it’s just a piece of paper blah blah blah. But it’s what I want, and I know somewhere out there is a man worthy of my time and who will want to marry me. It stinks I feel like I have wasted 5 years, but I learned a lot from our relationship nonetheless. This is very difficult and my heart is broken
Post # 16
I was going to say (and not to man-bash or anything) that most men don’t come up with these things on their own. DH mentioned a pre-nup to me b/c he had the same fears…doesn’t help that all the divorced men he knows were “screwed over” by ex-wives. And of course all these divorced men were the perfect husbands!
In the end, he dropped it b/c he realized that a pre-nup would protect him of his assets acquired before marriage but not during…since we are in a community property state.
However, your SO isn’t asking that but flat out telling you NO to marriage….and that is a horrible thing. Every big committment/step in life has a potential to backfire (including marriage) and you have to take that leap of faith if it’s something you really want.
I feel for you…I honestly think I’d have to leave if my SO was saying those things to me.