(Closed) Thinking of calling it off. :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1774 posts
Buzzing bee

What’s worse? Making this decision now and dealing with some fallout or not making it (if it really is right) and living in a marriage half-heartedly? 

 

Don’t think of how difficult it would be to seperate your lives. Think about what you guys would have together in the long run. ….Or not have. Base it off that. The rest can work itself out.

Post # 4
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If you feel this is the end of the relationship, then you need to end it as soon as possible. It isn’t fair to you or him if you just let this relationship drag out. Granted it may get sticky splitting your commonly held assets now, but can you imagine doing so if you actually married him? Splitting custody of children or more tangible things like a home or vehicle? We all want to shy away from making hard decisions, but the sooner you do it, the faster you jump those hurdles.

Post # 5
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Doing something because it would be difficult or complicated to end it is silly.  Wondering “what if” may be normal but strong doubts should be listened to.  My goal in life is to be happy and I won’t settle for anything less.

Post # 6
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I know it’s tough to end things when you worry about what others will think or of dissapointing them. I’m very much like this, too.

But I also have learned from experience that it will be easier to end it now, not later. If you know he’s not the one, no-one who truly cares about you will fault you.

Post # 7
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh no, no one will hate you.  Your Fiance might be angry at you, but no one will hate you.  That’s not a good reason to marry someone.  This is nothing to be ashamed about, the fact that you are brave enough to examine this is something to be proud about.  It’s really scary re-evaluating a relationship at this stage.

You say you’re religious and I’m assuming you feel like God is a part of a marriage and divorce is not a solution.  Do you think that this marriage will end in either divorce or you being really unhappy?  If so…it’s not that you need to call it off completely, but you do need to figure out why you feel that way and resolve it before you commit to marry him.  And please don’t think you are committed yet.  You are engaged, you are planning a wedding, but you haven’t taken your vows yet.  

I think it might say something that you are angry at God, or have been.  I understand that feeling.  I have felt it before.  I did not feel it when I was in a LDR with my Fiance, even when his family hated me, even when we had no money.  I felt like we had obstacles, but I wasn’t angry at God.  I don’t know, it’s really hard to explain.  I thought I was in love with my ex-husband, but when we hit obstacles it was so hard to trudge forward.  I wish we had hit more before getting married  When I hit them with Fiance, it sucks, but we feel like partners.

That being said, about a year ago he wasn’t there for me when I needed him.  He was depressed and consistently ignored me.  It led to very bad times and I didn’t feel like we were partners, I felt like I was carrying the relationship alone.  I ended things with him eventually.  I am so glad we were able to pick up again, but once I had felt the partner feeling, I couldn’t be engaged to him without it.  I panicked.

LDRs are really hard.  They’re so difficult just by themselves, and it makes it hard to grow together with your SO.  People grow and change throughout their lives, and when you’re with someone you tend to grow with them, but it’s hard to do at a distance.

I am probably not making this any easier, I’m so muddled, I’m sorry.  I think what I really mean to say is to listen to your heart.  Listen to the people who love you.  Ask for advice from the people who love you.  Please don’t get married just because you’re worried people will hate you or you’ll lose deposits; I did that and I regret it so, so much.  I would have regretted it even if my husband had been a better man because we weren’t right for eachother and I was wrong to not listen to myself when I felt doubt.  I didn’t necessarily need to call things off, but I did need to figure out why I was feeling that way.  I think you do too, or you’ll always be second-guessing things.

Post # 9
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

When you know, you know ๐Ÿ™

Post # 10
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m so sorry that your feeling this way.

Have you sat down and spoken to him about this? just sat down calmly and spoke about what is bothering you?

Have you considered going to your church and asking your minister for counselling?

I know i’ve taken days off from the whole wedding business and not even once let it cross my mind it could be just the added stree but really take a weekend or a week and just stop thinking about the marriage and ask yourself is he someone I want to be with in 20 years.

 

Post # 11
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

If you feel something isn’t right, you need to tell him. If ou are supposed to be together he will do something to restore your faith in him. 

Post # 12
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@konstantine:  I think when you love someone, even if they aren’t perfect for you, you always think it will get better.

I really relate to where you are (minus the engaged part). One of my ex’s and I lived together for 2 years. He and I had a great connection, but we also had a lot of views that were very different. He hated alcohol and I liked to have a drink on the weekend (A drink, not get drunk). I liked to socialize and he prefered to stay out of society. He loved art and photography and I prefered a good book. Every day I would try to figure out how to make it work better and worked at it. Everyone said serious relationships are work, so I figured thats what I had to do to be with this guy.

I’m telling you now, from being with my Fiance, it feels normal. I don’t have to MAKE anything work with him (except putting in a better effort to do dishes and take out recycling haha!). There is nothing that I want to change or am waiting to change. We both enjoy doing similar things, which leaves us no problems with our social lives. Although relationships are work, it shouldn’t feel like work.

I think if you feel this way, you need to postpone things or call it off. You need to work out whether he really is THE ONE or the one along the way. Honestly, I think that if you feel the way that you do, your relationship is too much work. How would it survive a disaster, emergency or death?

Wishing you luck!

Post # 13
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

People would hate you if you married him and strung him along. But if your heart is truly not in it, how could they? 

Post # 14
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Marrying and dating someone who is different than yourself is not a bad thing, if your personality and his complement each other. Maybe you need to try living in the same place for a while (if not together) so you can see each other more often. If he is not outgoing, he may not realize your need for togetherness and contact because he is a more solitary, introverted person.

I wouldn’t throw the relationship away just yet….it sounds like maybe postponing the marriage and working on your issues to see if they can be resolved would be better.

Post # 15
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

So guys… So you know I’m the one who started this thread. I’m ending it. I’m not ready. I can’t stop crying. I will update later but this is so painful and thank you everyone who responded ๐Ÿ™

Post # 16
Member
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

<3 

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