(Closed) Thinking of calling off wedding that's a month away… Advice please :(

posted 5 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
4682 posts
Honey bee

Can you talk to his brother’s ex fiance to get some perspective from someone who has been there / done that? It might be helpful one way or the other.

Post # 17
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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koel3286:  you have been with him for ten years–that’s a long time! I wouldn’t call off the wedding just yet. Have you tried therapy? Sounds like you need a mediator.

I had a friend who went through a similar situation. It’s a tough one. Good luck bee.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by rainy578.
Post # 18
Member
665 posts
Busy bee

 

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beemyhandsome:  Do you still love him? Most of your post is about his mother, you aren’t marrying her.

Actually, it rather sounds like she will be. 

Post # 19
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

“His financial business” is his business? Honey, you’re about to marry the man and join finances, and money issues are the #1 reason behind divorce. He’s full of shit on that. Please be strong and trust your gut. At least postpone the wedding for now.

The money you spent on the reception, the gifts, the travel people booked, none of that is what getting married is about. Nobody wants you to go through with this wedding just because they booked a hotel room, I promise. If you cancel, people will understand.

Post # 20
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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koel3286:  sorry in this case you are marrying his mom…you have clearly stated that he is a self proclaimed mamas boy and he has no boundaries when it comes to the mom. THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE no matter how much you love him. I could not deal with my husband not having my back I need that…I don’t care if that’s his mama. You are his wife, his future, his PRIORITY ! 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by lovealways.
Post # 21
Member
10987 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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koel3286:  

I wish I had a dollar for every time I said I was sure I’d never experience love like this again with someone else when I was involved with the wrong guy.  At my advanced age, I’d have a nice cash stash.

Break ups are hard.  Even when they need to be done.  Love is not enough to sustain a marriage.  You need respect & shared values, both of which are missing here.  I am sorry, Bee, but there is no fixing this.  Mommy Dearest will always come first.

ITA with the PP who said that canceling the wedding will cost you far less than a divorce will.  Emotionally as well as financially.

Post # 22
Member
2152 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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koel3286:  If you’re getting married ”because you’re worried you won’t find anyone else to love”, that’s a really bad reason. Even ”Because I love him” isn’t a good enough reason to marry someone.

Marriage isn’t just about love.. feelings change and evolve over time.. marriage is a life-time contract, a huge life-long commitment.. and it should be made because the other person is truly your best friend and partner in life. Marriage means you’re a team, it means you’ve agreed on all the major life decisions (property, kids, jobs, finances, religion), or come to some pretty good compromises that you’re both truly happy with. Marriage means you two are a new little family, parents and friends come second. Marriage shouldn’t be a huge change for you or anything anxiety-provoking.. it should be the natural next step in your relationship. When I got married, the only thing that changed was my last name and a ring on my finger. My husband was my partner just as much before the wedding as after. Our finances were ”ours” already, our property was ours, our decisions about kids were already in place.. it felt like he was already my husband and I was just saying ”Yes”, because ”Yes” pretty much summed up our relationship.

Marriage doesn’t make any part of a relationship easier. If anything, it will make some things harder.. because it means ”in sickness and in health”, and because it means that if you argue or disagree, you can’t just say ”bye”.. you have to go through a whole long sticky divorce.

Don’t marry him because you’re afraid of the ”what ifs” if you don’t do it. The ”what ifs” if you don’t trust your gut are so much worse.

Post # 23
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Sorry you’re going through this. I can see how cancelling would be hard at this stage but if it’s not right, it’s not right.  As you love him, if he feels the same way,  perhape you could postpone the wedding and take some time out? Couple’s counselling may help shed some light of your Fiance hasn’t ever had any independent feedback on this but even if you started now, I doubt he would have that light bulb moment before your wedding. The cost of a divorce will be more.

Post # 24
Member
2119 posts
Buzzing bee

Sorry bee, shitty situation. Please don’t let everyone else make your decision – your parents’ money, your bridesmaids’ money, the gifts. You can sort that out, but it isn’t worth being trapped in a marriage over. I would have a MASSIVE problem with him giving his mum money, so I would leave. Listen to your gut. 

Post # 25
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Listen to your gut. You know he’s not likely to change and if he’s making massive financial decisions currently without consulting you, he’s probably not going to suddenly change his viewpoint once you’re married. It’s obvious that you have tried to discuss this and he hasn’t taken you seriously – this could be the wake up call he needs to evaluate his choices.

As for the cost issue and your parents, I hope they would rather see you happy than have you commit to something you aren’t sure about because they’ve laid down some money. Divorce is expensive too – my ex and I had no children and no property, so we didn’t need lawyers, but my divorce still cost me upwards of $900 (he didn’t pay a cent either!). Not to mention the emotional toll. There are heaps of stories on here about Bees who called off a wedding and it ended up being absolutely the right decision for them.

Post # 26
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

If you have told him you can’t go through with with wedding and he hasn’t reacted, on top of all you have described, this is not going to work. As someone said upthread, you have been with him for 10 years and he still doesn’t see you as a partner or valuable enough to listen to. 

Post # 27
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

If you’ve been having anxiety for the past two years then you should not marry him. Do not marry someone because money has been spent on a wedding. It’s not worth the pain and anguish you’ll feel once the party/wedding is over. Also, since he has all that money to just give to his mom, has he helped your parents pay for the wedding? Regardless of the answer, you shouldn’t marry him. Marriage will not make your relationship with him better and his mom will continue to be apart of your life. Run and don’t look back. 

Post # 28
Member
3286 posts
Sugar bee

If your two are wed I would be worried becasue his poor fiancial choices will become *both of your* poor choices. 

Post # 29
Member
697 posts
Busy bee

As much as I hate to say this, you really need to call off the wedding. I know you love him and have loads of money invested into this but this line is what got me:

“But I’ve always been under the impression that in a marriage, you’re a unit and make decisions together and respect each other’s feelings

You at least understand this, but you FI? Not so much. You just don’t make huge money descisions like that behind your partners back after they explicitly told you they did not want you to.

Also idk about you, but I wouldn’t be able to handle a monster-in-law.

Post # 30
Member
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

If he does not see you as his life partner – as someone who does have input on choices, as to someone he WANTS input from as he makes big decisions – after ten years, that is not going to change just because you get married. Commitment does not come with a ring, or a paper, it’s there or isn’t independent of any of that. You should not be heading into marriage feeling so much anxiety. Better to wave goodbye to $30K now then willingly go into a marriage like this. I have a friend who also went ahead with a marriage – despite serious doubts – as invitations were already sent. He wished he had cancelled it instead of face the divorce he did less than two years later.

Being single after 10 years will be an adjustment, but being single at 30 is not a death sentence AT ALL. 

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