Post # 31
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and it sounds so awful. My ex (we were together for 3 years during our early 20s) was a HUGE mommy’s boy and would call her for hours on end every single day. There were some definite big issues there. My fiancé is not like that at all. You CAN find a normal, well-adjusted person in the future who is not a mommas boy.
Being single at 30 when your other friends are all married or in relationships may be a tough transition, but it is probably preferable to being stuck in this situation forever. If he’s doing this a month before the wedding, what will he do AFTER the wedding? You should consider your well-being and your finances, as your FI’s mother could prey on you as well once you’re married.
I’m going to give you some advice that no one’s mentioned yet – have you considered going straight to the source of this issue – his mother – and discussing this with her? Sounds like you don’t have much to lose right now and it sounds like no one had stood up to her. Have you considered having a chat with her, where you are polite but firm and put your foot down and make it known what impact she is having on her sons’ lives and relationships? If any part of her cares about her sons, maybe you can reach her. Who knows, maybe she’ll even respect you more for putting your foot down and standing your ground with her. It may be a last ditch effort.
If that works in some way, you could consider going to therapy with your Fiance to sort out these issues and his unhealthy mommy issues.
This definitely needs to be sorted NOW. Don’t stay in something out of fear of the unknown (I made that mistake with my ex). 30 is still so young and you have so many years ahead of you. Next time, just be wise about the behaviors early on. I started over too and I made sure to observe and ask questions early on, to make sure it was a good match. You could still find someone amazing and be married in a few years to someone who makes you feel SAFE, and EQUAL partner, and someone to be respected. You deserve so much more than what you’re getting. Think about whether you’d rather be 35 and in a happy relationship (having gone through a few extra hurdles to get there) or 35 and miserable (and newly divorced). I would say try your best now, including talking to his mom and considering therapy. If it doesn’t work, I think you should protect yourself and walk away. It’s really really hard, but it will make you stronger and make you realize you deserve so much more than this.
Post # 32
Run, run as fast as you can.
Post # 33
The fact that you love him is not enough. It alone is not a reason to sign up for a marriage full of fighting, and being put in second place. He doesn’t see you as his partner, or his equal. He is taking risks without a thought for what you want. That is not the makings of a happy marriage. That is a dealbreaker.
It’ll hurt, and it’ll be awkward, and you’ll have to “figure out” how to be single. But it’ll be worth it.
Post # 34
can you postpone the wedding until you’ve had an opportunity to get some counseling about this? I understand (trust me) ALLL about in-law troubles and whatnot (and it was my parents who are the inlaws from hell) and I am grateful every day that my husband went through with our marriage even though he knew he was literally signing up for a lifetime of shenannigans dealing with my crazy mother. Even if you two decide after therapy that you’d be better off not getting married, at least you should having some peace knowing that it was a well-informed decision and you don’t have to spend the whole rest of your life wondering “what if”
Post # 35
Update: Thank you all again. I hear loud and clear what everyone is saying and I would certainly be reacting in the same way if I were on the other end. This is very difficult for me to process. He randomly got out of bed at 1 am this morning and said that he Wouldn’t pursue this venture and he would distance himself from his family because he loves me and wants to make it work. Unfortunately I don’t buy it. This is either reverse psychology or a sentence of lifelong resentment. I’m at work and pretty miserable at the moment, and very confused. I am looking for relationship counselors at the moment. i think we need one session – and he’s open to it – before I decide whether to let go for good.
Post # 36
Hi Bee, I sympathize and want throw one more option on the table: Have the wedding but don’t make it legal (don’t submit the wedding liscesne). That will buy you more time to fix this issue with him before making a binding, legal commitment. That will allow you to see if he can trusted to keep his word about this issue. If the party is paid for and everyone is coming… I might be in the minority, but it’s really just a party you’re seeing through for the sake of all that has been invested in it. If you don’t make the marriage legal that could be your secret and he might wake up to the seriousness of proving to you that he can earn being your legally wed husband. Yes, guts are very important. But so are hearts!! If you love him and want to try to make this work, this might buy you some time without losing all the $ and upsetting everyone who is scheduled to come.
Post # 37
I think doing one counseling session before making your final decision is a good idea. My guess is it will only confirm what you know in your gut you need to do, but still, best to be really really sure. Regarding this:
“And I’m worried I won’t experience love the way I have with him, which is what makes this so terribly difficult.”
I know this feeling. I had 2 serious relationships before my Fiance and I felt this way when I was considering ending both of them. It’s a terrifying feeling. The truth is you won’t ever experience love the way you have with him…because no two relationships are the same. But I am willing to bet you will find someone else who you’ll experience an even greater love with, one that isn’t tainted by resentment and an unhinged Mother-In-Law. And even if you are single FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE (which is highly unlikely), that would STILL be better than being in a miserable marriage.
Post # 38
I cancelled my wedding eight weeks before the date. EVERYONE understood and said I was very brave and very sensible to do it rather than end up divorced. I got some money back and was able to get credit from my photographer that I was able to use two years later when I married someone else! I had four bridesmaids dresses and an unused wedding dress but sold them to a woman opening a bridal boutique!
I survived and moved on with my life – you will too!
Post # 39
I’ve been there and truthfully I can tell you it was probably the hardest time in my life and for a long time afterward it was still really hard BUT you have to do what’s right for you. Yes it sucks that your parents will be out money and thankfully when I was thinking of cancelling my wedding and I FINALLY opened up to my parents about it they practically forced me to run for the hills. They were REALLY gracious about it even though they had put in so much money already. They stood by me because they had both been seeing the affect the relationship was having on me and secretly hoping I would get out. They voiced to me earlier in the engagement that I didn’t have to go through it with it, but I wasn’t ready to hear it yet.
Finally I was at my wits end and I told them I didn’t think I could go through with the wedding to which they backed me 100%. My dad told me that there was no price tag on my happiness and well being and no amount of money invested would make him want me to go through with the wrong choice. I hope and pray your parents will be as gracious with you as mine were with me.
My friends…..well let’s just say I found out who my real friends were during that time. Some really stepped up and some disappeared. At the end of all of it, it was nice to know who was my friend because they cared for me and my well being and who didn’t.
At the end of the day you have to ask yourself….if this problem got 100x worse (because it will), will I be able to handle it for the rest of my life?! He has always been this way and he will NEVER change. If he does not stand up for you and if he makes decisions AGAINST your advice, you are not a team. He is simply acting on his own and he isn’t considering you or the relationship. He will always do what his mom says and he won’t have your back. Think of when you have children if that’s your plan. It will get even worse. His mother will constantly undermine you and do things against your will and he will never back you up. It will be you against everyone else and you will always be in the fight alone. That is not a position you want to be in all your life.
Trust your gut. Do NOT marry this man. Help him to understand how serious you are about these issues by letting him know you will not be marrying someone who won’t have your back, who makes decisions not only without you but decisions you’ve already said no to.