Thinking of calling off wedding

posted 5 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
3319 posts
Sugar bee

ingognito345 :  Is this the same FI who sides with his mother against you and has accused both you and your parents of being liars?

If so, at least postpone the wedding until you can address these issues. Problem behaviors rarely improve after the wedding.

Post # 3
Member
5733 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

You need to postpone and figure this out. Don’t expect someone to change after marriage, if anything, the behavior will get worse.

Post # 4
Member
1688 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

ingognito345 :  

His behavior will NOT stop when you get married. Please don’t ever think that marriage will change your fiance’s behavior.

Have you talked to him about this?

Ask him what makes him think your mom is an alcoholic when she doesn’t drink. Tell him he seems on edge around them and ask him why.

Most of all, understand that by marrying him, his alcoholic mother and alcoholic sister will become your family. You can’t force him to stop spending time with them but you can create your own boundaries to protect yourself from them.

Post # 7
Member
4983 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Honestly by your description here, it kinda sounds like he’s having some kind of breakdown and I’d be concerned about his mental health (be it a temporary issue or a real illness). Too many people talking at once? Making up issues with others? Something is wrong.

how much stress is he taking on with family, work and wedding? Does he need a weekend to relax and do zero? A break from family? Is he early twenties and maybe a disorder of some kind is kicking in coincidentally? I think it would be good to chat with him about how he is feeling and changes you’ve noticed. See if he wants to talk to someone else, even if just once. See if he’s so stressed he’s blowing little things out of proportion without realizing it.  

You might need to postpone, but if you’re going to call it quits entirely without at least trying to get to the bottom of his change, you aren’t ready for ‘in sickness and in health’ yet.

Post # 8
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I am very close to my parents and I view marriage as a combination of our families.

If my FI showed this type of disrespect, I would absolutely tell him that he either has to sort it out or we’re not getting married. I come with my parents, and if he can’t respect them, he is not respecting me, and I can’t marry a man who doesn’t respect me.

Post # 9
Member
1688 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

ingognito345 :  

You don’t have to allow her to do that to you. You can’t control her behavior but you can control how you let it affect you.

You can’t force your fiance to see it either, he has to see it for himself.

Post # 11
Member
585 posts
Busy bee

He’s calling your mom a drunk and liar but you’re calling his mom a drunk/liar/puppet master/cause for divorce. I don’t know how much is true but your antagonism for your FMIL might be causing him to act defensively and lash out at your family. It might be childish but he’s probably sick and tired of hearing about how your mom perfect and his is a drama queen. 

Right now, it seems that you both have in law issues. You’ve told him your family’s side of the conflict. Now it might be helpful to sit down and listen to how he sees the situation. Hopefully you can sit down and figure out where the conflict lies. Maybe what you call lies, he calls exaggeration. Maybe jokes aren’t translating right. Or maybe she’s just the type of person who loves to tear others down to make herself feel better. Who knows. I don’t know your families. 

Post # 13
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I broke off a long term relationship before because i did not like bf behaviour. He gets married and guess what? That behaviour stopped.

I think this comparison is wrong. What was that other guy’s behavior that you did not like? Maybe his wife learned to leave with it, or perhaps he decided to change (on his own will) because this or that happened to him. Marries doesn’t make behaviors we don’t like about are partners to go away, if anything, it makes them even biggers and louder. So, your current FI’s behavior is not going to change, if anything, it will increase if you marry him.

I do think you should break off the engagement, or at least postpone the wedding. You don’t respect his family, and he doesn’t respect neither you or your family. This is a BIG problem, especially given that you both seem to be really close to your own parents (how it should be). 

If you have tried talking with him, if you have asked him to address this behavior together, and haven’t been able to see any change or solution to this issue…run, bee. This is not a marriage you want to live in.

Post # 15
Member
759 posts
Busy bee

Given the issues from this post as well as your other one, I would postpone the wedding. Calling family liars, drunks, etc is not acceptable (unless it’s our of control and completely true). 

I’ve noticed that as my fiance and I have been together longer, the more annoyed I get with his family sometimes. I think it’s because I have started to view them as my own family and parents. And my parents sure can be annoying. Lol but it never goes past an eye roll, an ‘are you kidding me’, and little nagging ALL behind closed doors to my fiance. I would never treat them differently or be mean to them or say truly hurtful things. 

So while yes, I think people can get annoyed with their in laws after time or in stressful situations, it sounds like the this is not the case with your FI.

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