(Closed) Thinking of ex suddenly, does this mean my bf isn't right for me?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think you need to find happiness with yourself because it sounds to me you are not secure in any relationship you have because you depend on them too much for happiness. So, if you can’t let go of feelings for boy #1, then let go of boy #2 and go do your own thing.

Post # 3
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Yeah…I was going to comment on your other post but then figured I was the weird one after the replies you received.

To me it sounds like you jumped straight from ‘hi’ to ‘we need strict boundaries Bc nothing can happen here!’ which seemed odd. Who immediately jumps to the conclusion that something could happen without those boundaries? Someone who’s still hung up on her ex, I fear. Your latest post confirms this. 

So here’s the thing. Your ex is either the love of your life and worth throwing away a good relationship for the uncertainty of what’ll happen with your ex. Or, you’ve idealized your ex and have forgotten that the man who has been by your side, willing to grow, willing to move forward with you and willing to build a life with you is NOT your ex – it’s your fiancé. ….insert real mature bs here…

I once ended a good fledging relationship that was starting out (uncertain good outcome) to get back with an ex (since he’s an ex it’s a certain bad outcome btw). I tried to be happy, but the truth is after some time had passed my ex and I didn’t fit together right anymore. We had grown since we had been together. It wasn’t as magical as it used to be. So, eventually we ended up fighting about the same things, ended up in the very same place that led to the breakup in the first place (and I swear it had been a very good relationship in the first place) and ended up breaking it off again. And the other relationship that had so much potential? I’ll never know. I nixed its potential in the bud for something that had already proven to be wrong for both of us .

I’ll end this with a quote that’s popular around here that says something like taking back an ex is like trying to push poop back in where it came from. And hon, unless he’s seriously your soulmate that’s exactly how it works out. Like s**t.

Post # 5
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

It’s really common for people to romanticize past relationships – even ones that weren’t good. There is a reason you broke up and moved on. If you went back to this old relationship, what would change?

Post # 7
Member
6348 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

Maybe there wasn’t closure with your former SO, or your’re not completely into your current relationship.  In any case, don’t make decisions now that you may regret later.  I would put distance with the former SO and give time to my current relationship and see what happens.  Make a conscious effort to remind yourself of why your previous relationship didn’t work.

Post # 8
Member
2897 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Life is full of “what if’s?”. 

Not knowing the back story of you an your ex, he’s not a “what if?”  You KNOW the outcome – it didn’t work out, you broke up.

That’s not to say people cannot grow and change because they certainly can.  But, I think in your case it sounds like you have some unresolved feelings which is why you’re still thinking about him.

I’m a cold turkey kind of person.  When I break up with someone, I have to have no contact, at least for a while.  If we want to be “friends”, I need time away first to have closure on that relationship.

The past is the past.  It’s OK to think about it sometimes as it had made you the person you are.  But it sounds like you are letting it control you.

I recently saw a phase here that is so true – if you think the grass is greener you need to water your own lawn.  Take that energy that you’re using thinking about your ex and apply it to your current boyfriend.  Do something unexpected for him.  Change things up a bit.  Bring some spice to your relationship – maybe things are in a rut and that’s why you’re thinking about your ex.

Post # 9
Member
1809 posts
Buzzing bee

Let the ex go. He is an ex for a reason. It’s very easy to idealize at a distance and forget all the things that didn’t work, now that you aren’t “in it.”

You were together quite some time ago and whether you realize it or not, you don’t know him anymore. You are fantasizing about what could have been with a person your mind has constructed–not the guy who really exists because you don’t know him as he is now. You could get back together with him and very well regret it.

Ever hear the saying a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? You have a great guy in your hand RIGHT NOW. Don’t jeopardize a solid thing with phantom things. Leave the past in the past and realize how great you have it NOW. Otherwise, your confusion could turn to doubt and sadness and color your existing relationship. You just heard from him and I am sure it stirred up all sorts of regrets about how it didn’t work out. This isn’t abnormal. Just don’t let it consume you. Your focus has been interrupted momentarily. Shake it off and stay the current course.

Post # 11
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Angelfire7:  That was my point 🙂 You are thinking about the what-ifs even though you have already been in a relationship with this person and it did not work out. Why would you expect it to work out this time around? (I know you don’t want to get back with him, it’s just hypothetical).

sunnierdaysahead2 explained it way better than I did. 

Post # 12
Member
11481 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Without a whole lot more information, we really cannot advise you regarding what you should do.

Since you are still single (and, by that I mean you are not yet married), and presuming your ex is also not yet married to someone else, you do have legitimate options.  If you were married and writing this post, or if your ex were married to someone else, I would be urging you to cut off all contact with your ex and to focus solely on your marriage. That is not the case here.

People are right that it is very easy to overly romanticize a past relationship. So, it’s very possible that you are doing that. However, there is no requirement that you treat your current relationship as if it is a marriage, when it is not.

On the other hand, if you are currently dating a really great guy, and you believe in your heart of hearts he is the right man for you, you would not be doing yourself any favors by attempting to explore your options with your ex. If you do decide to take a step back from your current relationship so that you can find some sort of closure with your ex, please just be completely honest with your current boyfriend and tell him what you’ve told us.

Post # 14
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Angelfire7:  The problem with exes often are that if you come back into contact with them you remember how it was with them and have automatic feelings for them. Particularly if it is an ex that you did a lot with and was together a significant amount of time. Feelings and how you were around each other doesn’t go away like that. 

But the thing you must remember is… You guys split up for a good reason. If it was a successful relationship you would be together. And just because you have some feelings and thinking back on what happened in the past, it doesn’t always mean you want to be together with him! Everyone has had the thought of… What might have been if we were still together. The only time I would be concerned about it is if you really feel like you want to be with if and not your new bloke anymore. 

I think it would be best to sit down and have a think through on your feelings and what they mean to you. Ask yourself if you are happy with who your with and not your ex? Understanding that you are bound to have different feelings for each person you are with. 

Personally I think what your saying in this post is normal and your possibly letting the thoughts of your past affect your current relationship. Be happy with what you have and need to stop thinking that possibly the grass is greener on the other side. Particularly when you don’t know what that other side is really like, he might be very different to how he was when with you.

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