Post # 1
So FI’s dream is to get married in a castle, which I love. So we found our venue, but then the other day I was bored and found another castle in the mountains of NC that I absolutely LOVE. And it actually offers elopement and small wedding packages. So then the idea hit me again, why don’t we just elope or have a smaller wedding? I don’t really want to invite many people anyway, so FI’s family will fill most of the guest list. But it’ll still be what I consider too many people, at 60-100 guests.
We had talked about this before, and my FI said that he wasn’t cool with the idea of an elopement or a small wedding because of his family. What would they think? That’s not what his family does, etc. I honestly don’t care what they think because they aren’t helping us pay for our wedding, and it’s OUR day, not theirs. I just wish I could convince him though, because if we were to elope I know we could have a killer honeymoon for 2-3 weeks in the carribean, and that would be bliss. Spending money on something that would make us happy and not other people.
Post # 3
My opinion is that you have to compromise. I wanted to elope, just go to the courthouse and be married. I wanted a really great honeymoon and to remodel my bathroom instead of having a wedding…
SO said no, that he wants and expects a traditional wedding. I’m cheap and did not want to spend the money on a wedding. Knowing that none of our family is going to help us. We are paying for everything. I don’t expect family to help though either so it’s fine.
The compromise we reached was we get to have a small wedding in a chapel, then we rented a room in a park on a lake. Each venue only allows 50 people. Any more then that and we risk the fire marshal showing up. HaHa.
You each need to talk to each other and reach a compromise. He has to give some and so do you. It sounds to me like you’ve already given some and he needs to give a little more. Good luck.
Post # 4
@kazarmo: You perfectly described how I feel! I want an amazing honeymoon and don’t want to blow all our money on one day. Plus he wants to build a house and I want an amazing master bath, so my mind is on saving as much money as I possibly can. When he gets home I’ll talk to him about capping our guest list. I’d be happy with 50 guests, 60 tops. I’ve been to big weddings before, and don’t like them. You see the bride and groom for 5 minutes and then their off to the next guest, never to be heard from again for the rest of the night. And that is not what I want my wedding day to be like. I want something intimate and fun, and 50 or 60 guests sounds like a good compromise.
Post # 5
I wanted a 30-person wedding, but my husband wanted something bigger. He got what he wanted because I didn’t want to deny him a “normal” wedding experience just because I am more pragmatic about this sort of thing.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2014 - Legare Waring House
@Tarheelgurl: Same deal here. My FH wants the whole deal, and I am powerless to say no. It’s actually the opposite reason from yours, interestingly enough.
His parents and sister had courthouse weddings, and so did a lot of his friends – pretty common in the military. He didn’t want that – and he wants to be able to have his whole family, which includes his entire USMC squadron. I love him, and while I am not a HUGE fan of the big wedding idea, I see his reasons, and will probably be glad that we did.
I have told him that he HAS to be involved though. It’s not fair otherwise.
Post # 7
I would start a conversation with him again about his reasons for having a bigger wedding. Based on your post, it sounds like he feels he needs to have a bigger wedding because a) he’s worried about what people would think, and b) his family doesn’t “do” small weddings. Both reasons seem really weak to me and having nothing to do with what he really wants. So ask him to try to get down to what HE really feels if the pre-conceived notions were not there. What would he want to do if family really did not care either way? I think that’s the answer you two need to work with personally.
Also, real budget numbers may help him have his come to Jesus moment. Price out what a big wedding would cost and wht kind of honeymoon that would leave you, then price out the smaller wedding and what kind of honeymoon that would get you.
Post # 8
@Tarheelgurl: I would break down the costs and ask if he really wants to spend that much money on one day. There are SO many other ways to spend the money that are better IMO.
Why does he want his whole family there? Has he given it much thought? Is he close with ALL his aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.?
Post # 9
I’m having much the same problem. I’ll have no family at my wedding, so naturally I resent myself and FI having to go into debt just for his family. If he was especially close to them I would understand it, but he’s an only child and he sees his extended family (which is huge) once or twice a year, at most.
My ideal is getting married on a beach, just him and his parents, and any friends who want to join us. A nice meal at a good restaurant afterwards, and that’s it.
Unfortunately getting FI on board with this isn’t proving easy. Every time we speak about the wedding, he sounds like he’s talking about the generic ‘big reception, everyone and their goat attending’ type of thing. I’ve tried pointing out to him just how much that sort of thing costs….and his parents have already made it clear they won’t be helping…
I agree with sienna76, both your FI and mine seem more concerned about what ‘family’ would think. I, on the otherhand, think that part of being an adult is not letting outside pressures influence your decisions.
Good luck, you are not alone!
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Tarheelgurl: Planning your wedding is the first in a list of compromises you will have to make during your marriage. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t necessarily want to do in order to make the other person happy. Always use the following rule of thumb: “Is this a mountain I am willing to die on? Is this something that I can use as an excuse not to marry the man I love? Is this something that I would consider grounds for divorce?”
Sit down and allow for him to explain his reasons for having a wedding with family and then explain your reasons for wanting to elope. Family is important in the lives of a married couple to an extent because family will be who you each turn to when you are having trouble sin your marriage. You will want his family to support your marriage and he will want your family to support your marriage at least on some level so they will advise you both to work things out rather than divorce.
I had to compromise on the wedding issue as well. I really wanted to elope since it will be my second marriage. I am slightly embarassed that my first marriage ended in divorce and inviting my family and friends to share in another wedding day is embarassing as well. My FH on the other hand has never been married and wants the experience of getting married plus he really wants the opportunity to have his friends and family together in one place to celebrate our wedding. He wanted a HUGE wedding but after we discussed it and I explained why I preferred to elope, we both compromised on having a small, intimate wedding with immediate family and close friends only. We both realized what the other wanted was important but there was no way for us to each have it our own way so we compromised. Welcome to marriage.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
P.S. The budget conversation did help with convincing my FH to scale back the size of the wedding.
Post # 12
Thanks for the replies everyone, it’s nice to see I’m not alone.
@canarydiamond: He wants them all there because 1) he is actually close to all his aunts and uncles. But also because in his family, eloping is looked down upon I guess. We’re already getting married in my hometown back in the States, so I’m expecting to hear some grumbling about that when his extended family finds out they have to travel to come see us get married. Quite frankly I don’t care, since I’m hoping it will cut down on the guest list. We actually sort of discussed that on the phone today and he said he knows some people are going to complain that going all the way down there will be such a hassle and we should just get married in Canada where we live. And I told him if people complain, and don’t want to make the trip it’s fine with me. The smaller the wedding, the happier me and our bank accounts will be.
I think what I’m going to do is make an estimate of if we invite 60 guests and show him the price vs inviting 100 guests. I also might make a quick survey for us to rank which wedding component is the most important to us each and why, and go from there on what we should do.
Post # 13
“I also might make a quick survey for us to rank which wedding component is the most important to us each and why, and go from there on what we should do.”
Excellent idea! H and I came up with three very important priorities – mountain scenery, intimate, special to us. While our location was somewhere we never had been to (originally we were thinking a location we love to visit often), the place is NOW special to us LOL. It’s special just on its own too. But we’d always revert back to these when we got off track.