Post # 1
I think my husband is either highfunctioning bpd or covert npd. I constantly want on eggshells at home. I’m afraid to share my true opinions during discussions because he critiques constantly or judges me or gets angry. He gets angry easily and when he does he rages. Yells, swears, name calls, at times throws things. He will make comments about wanting to drive off a bridge when he gets in these states, says he rarely enjoys spending time with me, etc. Then he will either be upset with me and stomp around angry the rest of the day or days if I actually feel at fault (this isn’t typical anymore because I have a lot more self esteem now and I know I’m not at fault). Or if I clearly am no longer engaging in the conversation he will act like nothing happened or else victimize himself and go into all the reasons he feels unloved. The anger is what I have the biggest issue with. I’m not okay with it. I used to be able to easily ignore it or let it roll off my back, but now I have a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old at home and I can’t allow them to grow up thinking this is normal. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a few months now and my eyes are opening to my reality that I’ve tried to play off as “not that bad” or made excuses for for YEARS. My mom and brother witnessed one episode and he had no idea they even noticed. It’s like he was in his own little world. My mom was so sad and worried. It was the mirror I needed to start seeing my life for what it is and thinking about what I actually want it to look like. But because bpd/npd are mental illnesses, I am very much struggling with the idea of leaving. I’m 50/50 on staying in my marriage and I just don’t know where to go but I wish I had someone to talk to who had a shared perspective or had been through something similar. Is there anyone here who could provide any insight or who has gone through this? I just don’t know what to do, but I know I’m unhappy and that I’m worried for my kids and I want more for them.
Post # 2
Why must he have a diagnosis? Not every person who yells, swears, throws things and then plays victim has condition or personality disorder. Some people are just assholes.
It really doesn’t matter what or if your your husband has a diagnosis; you still have to live with his rages and as you’ve seen that becomes more difficult after kids. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave.
Post # 3
I think you need to consult a domestic violence resource for help making a safe plan to get you and your kids out.
Post # 4
Even if you feel bad that he might have a mental health siorder, it’s not on you to resolve it. He needs to see the light and take care of himself. Your responsibility is to ensure that you and your children are safe and healthy. If that means leaving him, then that’s what It means, and that may be the eye-opener he really needs. Now presumably you got married because you love him. If so, you could offer the opportunity for him to seek help and then work on the relationship again once he’s shown you he’s doing his best (this is where I would fall on the decision making scale). But even in sickness and health, the sick person has to be willing to do their share. Your kids need a family that can cope well and model healthy behaviors for them to grow. Better no dad at all than one who treats others in this way.
Post # 5
Unless your husband agrees that he has a (or many) problem(s) or even contributes to marital problems he isn’t going to engage in solutions. I tried counseling twice with my ex. He refused to accept responsibility for absolutely anything and got kicked out for not participating the second time. I finally left because I didn’t want my own children to grow up constantly walking on eggshells and hiding from unpredictable rages.
Do you have your own income? Savings? A good handle on all the finances? Shared debt? You’ll need to take some time and get your ducks in a row. The scariest part for me was knowing I’d have to share custody but not surprisingly, in retrospect, my ex wanted the almost no time with the kids.
Post # 6
I have a diagnosis for you – he’s abusive. That’s all. Stop worrying about him having a personality disorder. He doesn’t. If he did, he would have issues in all aspects of his life, but instead it’s just about you, isn’t it? He doesn’t control himself around you because he doesn’t have to. He’s ‘in his own little world’ when he gets mad because that’s how little he feels he needs to police himself. He thinks he’s right to behave the way he does. He blames it on you.
From a daughter who had a father like this and watched her mother shrink into herself until she was barely there: get out, get out, get out. He is already traumatizing your children. He’s traumatizing you. GET OUT.
Post # 7
I have diagnosed bipolar disorder and I do not behave like this, nor do the vast majority of bpd patients (I can’t comment on npd). You are absolutely doing the right thing to stand up and realize that all this is not ok!
Your children will thank you. You should be proud of yourself for wanting and accepting help!
Post # 8
You have to make plans to get out, for your sake and especially for your kids’ sakes. Let him know you’re leaving him, and that you will reconcile with him only if he gets whatever help he needs. Let him know that you will not tolerate his behavior (whatever the cause) anymore, nor will you subject the children to it. Do whatever you have to do. The situation as it is cannot continue, and for the sake of those two precious babies, it must not continue.
I am very sorry.
Post # 9
I read the OP as Borderline Personality Disorder and not Bi Polar.
Post # 10
Whatever the cause he is abusive. Do you have anyone you could stay with?
Post # 11
you are correct, I think! I retract my post!
Post # 12
I also thought the same thing. My mom has bipolar and I was like “that’s not bipolar!”
Post # 13
For those wondering, she’s talking about borderline personality disorder and narsisistic personality disorder. It doesn’t matter what his diagnosis is. What is important is his actions which are abusive. You need to get out to save yourself and your kids from his abuse. Your therapist can probably get you in touch with resources to help you get out of the home. He is abusive and abusive people get more abusive and violent when you try to leave them.
A mental health disorder does not excuse his behavior. That’s even if he had a diagnosis. Most likely he is just an asshole.
Post # 14
It doesn’t matter if he has a mental health issue. He’s abusive. Your children are impacted by his behavior. You need to get out with your kids before his behavior escalates.
Post # 15
Im happy to see the comments aren’t full of a bunch of jabs at people who have bpd. I was recently diagnosed and i can tell you i do not behave that way. Mental health is not an excuse to treat other humans like shit. If he doesn’t see the problem, he likely won’t seek help and this is what the rest of your life will look like. You and your children do not deserve that.