Thinking of leaving (suspected) bpd/npd husband..

posted 6 days ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
5699 posts
Bee Keeper

Why must he have a diagnosis? Not every person who yells, swears, throws things and then plays victim has condition or personality disorder. Some people are just assholes. 

It really doesn’t matter what or if your your husband has a diagnosis; you still have to live with his rages and as you’ve seen that becomes more difficult after kids. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave.

 

Post # 3
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

I think you need to consult a domestic violence resource for help making a safe plan to get you and your kids out. 

Post # 4
Member
6213 posts
Bee Keeper

Even if you feel bad that he might have a mental health siorder, it’s not on you to resolve it. He needs to see the light and take care of himself. Your responsibility is to ensure that you and your children are safe and healthy. If that means leaving him, then that’s what It means, and that may be the eye-opener he really needs. Now presumably you got married because you love him. If so, you could offer the opportunity for him to seek help and then work on the relationship again once he’s shown you he’s doing his best (this is where I would fall on the decision making scale). But even in sickness and health, the sick person has to be willing to do their share. Your kids need a family that can cope well and model healthy behaviors for them to grow. Better no dad at all than one who treats others in this way. 

Post # 5
Member
7903 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Unless your husband agrees that he has a (or many) problem(s) or even contributes to marital problems he isn’t going to engage in solutions. I tried counseling twice with my ex. He refused to accept responsibility for absolutely anything and got kicked out for not participating the second time. I finally left because I didn’t want my own children to grow up constantly walking on eggshells and hiding from unpredictable rages.

Do you have your own income? Savings? A good handle on all the finances? Shared debt? You’ll need to take some time and get your ducks in a row. The scariest part for me was knowing I’d have to share custody but not surprisingly, in retrospect, my ex wanted the almost no time with the kids. 

Post # 6
Member
2294 posts
Buzzing bee

I have a diagnosis for you – he’s abusive. That’s all. Stop worrying about him having a personality disorder. He doesn’t. If he did, he would have issues in all aspects of his life, but instead it’s just about you, isn’t it? He doesn’t control himself around you because he doesn’t have to. He’s ‘in his own little world’ when he gets mad because that’s how little he feels he needs to police himself. He thinks he’s right to behave the way he does. He blames it on you. 

From a daughter who had a father like this and watched her mother shrink into herself until she was barely there: get out, get out, get out. He is already traumatizing your children. He’s traumatizing you. GET OUT. 

Post # 7
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

View original reply
@tm6173:  I have diagnosed bipolar disorder and I do not behave like this, nor do the vast majority of bpd patients (I can’t comment on npd). You are absolutely doing the right thing to stand up and realize that all this is not ok!

Your children will thank you. You should be proud of yourself for wanting and accepting  help!

Post # 8
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

You have to make plans to get out, for your sake and especially for your kids’ sakes.  Let him know you’re leaving him, and that you will reconcile with him only if he gets whatever help he needs.  Let him know that you will not tolerate his behavior (whatever the cause) anymore, nor will you subject the children to it.  Do whatever you have to do.  The situation as it is cannot continue, and for the sake of those two precious babies, it must not continue.

I am very sorry.

Post # 9
Member
4514 posts
Honey bee

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@Schatzie821:  I read the OP as Borderline Personality Disorder and not Bi Polar.

Post # 10
Member
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Whatever the cause he is abusive. Do you have anyone you could stay with?

Post # 11
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

View original reply
@sharpshooter:  you are correct, I think! I retract my post!

Post # 12
Member
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
@Schatzie821:  I also thought the same thing. My mom has bipolar and I was like “that’s not bipolar!”

Post # 13
Member
3507 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

For those wondering, she’s talking about borderline personality disorder and narsisistic personality disorder. It doesn’t matter what his diagnosis is. What is important is his actions which are abusive. You need to get out to save yourself and your kids from his abuse. Your therapist can probably get you in touch with resources to help you get out of the home. He is abusive and abusive people get more abusive and violent when you try to leave them. 

A mental health disorder does not excuse his behavior. That’s even if he had a diagnosis. Most likely he is just an asshole. 

Post # 14
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

It doesn’t matter if he has a mental health issue. He’s abusive. Your children are impacted by his behavior. You need to get out with your kids before his behavior escalates.

Post # 15
Member
89 posts
Worker bee

Im happy to see the comments aren’t full of a bunch of jabs at people who have bpd. I was recently diagnosed and i can tell you i do not behave that way. Mental health is not an excuse to treat other humans like shit. If he doesn’t see the problem, he likely won’t seek help and this is what the rest of your life will look like. You and your children do not deserve that. 

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