- 2 months ago
- Wedding: City, State
How is your son feeling?
How is your son feeling?
An update from me: the rest of thanksgiving was good aside from the adult pouting moments from my husband and my son testing positive for Covid. We stayed an extra day because my son’s cough was so bad and I told my husband I wanted the additional hands to help. He of course made it about him, saying he felt like he had something to prove back home. But in the end he agreed if it was “what I really wanted.” While he still annoys the crap out of me, he did step it up with helping our son so I wanted to make sure to thank him. I told him there was a time in the past when he would have acted very annoyed about that and not wanted to. He said he was so shitty and he’s so sorry. THEN he followed that up with “we were misfiring.” I asked what he meant and he said “we were miscommunicsting” that he didn’t know what I wanted and I would just expect him to know and I would “kind of spaz” and he would not know what I needed because I didn’t say exactly what I needed from him. He still. Can’t. Take. Accountability!! He still thinks it’s a “we” problem. He still thinks that I just wasn’t explaining myself and that he would have done more had I told him exactly what I needed. At this point I regretted saying a damn thing. I quit talking, said “okay” and have been studying up on gray rocking ever since. Also I’m getting over food poisoning so yeah there’s that, too.
Okay sorry for continuing but he just sent me an article titled “Why We Hurt The Ones We Love” and it’s all about the feelings of shame and unworthiness and how it makes us hurt who we love most. I’m rolling my eyes over here. Again he’s got fucking excuses for everything and it is so damn exhausting. And yesterday he sent me a quote by Pope Francis from his Twitter account. It basically says mature love is different from falling in love and that we shouldn’t chase something in our imaginations. He truly doesn’t get it. And also him sending that article makes me feel like he doesn’t believe I can think for myself.
Your last two updates show how much he is escalating the gaslighting. Enlisting The Pope would be hilarious if it wasn’t so worrying in this context.
Like all and especially the more experienced pps , l am really worried for you and hope you can escape – and l mean that literally- soon, certainly before Christmas .
Sending many good and strengthening feelings from Australia …
The stress journal was a place to take notes whenever we found ourselves starting to feel our stree/anxiety levels rising. We were to note what was happening externally, including dates, locations, people, time of day etc.
Isolated events don’t necessarily tell you much but, once you have kept a journal for several days, patterns begin to reveal themselves. This is similar to how dream journals can work also.
The truth is in the patterns.
You may want to share yours with your therapist.
Also, have you put down the retainer for that lawyer you liked yet? I know it’s a big step, but you’ve come so far, and I don’t want you to stall/step back just because the holidays are here <3
UPDATE: Wow. I have avoided being on here at all and updating. I am sorry for falling off the grid. I have an update. I have been feeling so confused and like I need clarity before making the final decision. I’ve still been wondering if maybe I could make this work. NOT ANYMORE. I got the clarity I needed last night when I was with my sil. She is his brother’s wife. She began to tell me about how he went to their house a little over a month ago for a bonfire and he got drunk and emotional and said that I am mentally unstable. He also said that he isn’t worried about finding someone else becaue he has been talking to someone else from his past who said they always thought they would get married someday. After she told me that, she said that her husband (his brother) said that he noticed at a family wedding in the spring (I didn’t go because I was out of town with my kids) that my husband and his ex gf from highschool had both disappeared for awhile. No one knew where they were and his brother found it odd but never confronted him because it could 100% be a weird coincidence. So I felt a little confused about that comment, but confusion was all I was feeling at that point. Well my sil went on to tell me that she really wanted to tell me something but she didn’t want me to be mad. I was like it’s fine, just tell me. So my husband’s hometown has a festival each summer and I told him to feel free to stay the night and go to the street dance and stay the night or whatever he wanted to do. I invited my sil over for a little slumber party with the kids and she said she actually was going to stay the night in the town and her husband was going to take the kids home for the night. She was excited for a night out with her friends. She goes on to tell me that at the end of the night my husband kept calling her. She assumed he was just trying to make sure she made it back to his parents house for the night so when he said he’d walk her back, she said okay. It’s about a mile walk. Instead of walking through town on a lit sidewalk, he took her down this unlit trail. She said he kept trying to hold her hand and saying he just liked holding her hand. She felt weird about it but shrugged it off. Whenever he stays at his parents house, he sleeps outside in a tent on an air mattress so he doesn’t wake his parents because their house is pretty tiny. He brought my sil into the tent and was trying to convince her to sleep in the bed with him. She said she wasn’t comfortable with that and he said, “Why, we aren’t doing anything wrong.” She then said it just didn’t feel right to her and she was going to leave because this was not fair to me or her husband. She said that he told her he couldn’t find the zipper of the tent. He wouldn’t help her get out. She eventually found the zipper and let herself out and slept inside. But what in the actual f!! I couldn’t believe what I just heard. He never spoke about this or said anything to her about it again. This was only 5 months ago and before divorce was ever spoken about. So I emailed my friend about it today because we are very close. She told me she didn’t even know if she should say anything, but that years ago when she slept at our apartment once she was drunk and in our bed because she had gotten sick and that she was wearing shorts and my husband said to her, “I saw your ass and I loved it.” She pretended to be asleep. This is so gross I Can’t believe I am married to such a fucking creep? I am not overreacting, right? This is all the clarity I need and I will most definitely be leaving his ass. I went on to tell another friend of mine about what’s happening over the phone today. She said, well gosh I guess I have something to tell you,too. Once when we were all 3 (me, my friend, and my husbnad) staying in a hotel together we were walking back from a bar and she swore my husband smacked her ass on the walk. She said she convinced herself it didn’t happen because she couldn’t believe he would have done something like that right in front of me. These cannot all just be coincidences, right?
I’m sorry you had to find out these disgusting things about your partner, but if this is what you needed to gather the resolve to finally proceed with leaving, then I guess it’s a net positive in a way. Sending you strength OP!
His completely unwanted and unsolicited sexual advances toward your SIL and friends, and even toward you since your relationship has begun to break down, are indicative of someone who views women as sexual objects, there for his pleasure and entertainment. My OCPD/narcissistic ex-husband and I met up to divide our possessions during our separation, and he made sure to inform me of the 20 year old he’d met at the bar. These men are leeches looking for the next “fix”, and for some, that translates into preying upon innocent women who haven’t figured them out yet, hoping they can draw in their latest victim. It sounds like your husband has his next one in mind already.
These are not coincidences. You are not overreacting. This is a man who takes what he wants from others, particularly women, because he feels he “deserves” it. He wants nothing to do with those who inconvenience him. He has already picked your replacement, and your children will fall to the wayside if they cry, have tantrums, or inconvenience him in any way. They already have. There are examples of this littered throughout your posts, including how he has resented his own son, made a big deal of a crying fit and almost didn’t go on a family walk…
He is self-centered, malicious, and you aren’t playing his game anymore. File his poor behavior away. Don’t tell him you know. Give the info to your attorney and see if they prefer to use it as ammo in the upcoming divorce/custody battle.
Really, truly. Don’t tell him you know, and if you must, tell him when you’re safely away. He is going to EXPLODE if he finds out that you know things that may tarnish his repuation, which he is obviously very concerned over. He can’t manipulate people if they think he’s a scumbag.