Thinking of leaving (suspected) bpd/npd husband..

posted 6 days ago in Married Life
Post # 46
Member
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
@tm6173:  Just for reference, if my husband called me “cold” or heartless,” that would be BY FAR the worst thing he had ever said about me in our marriage. I would be devastated. I am not saying we are perfect.  Sometimes we don’t see eye to eye, but we are a team (we also have two kids.) You deserve someone who gives back what you give. 

I’m glad you posted, too. Do us a favor? Please keep us in the loop. 

Post # 47
Member
3507 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

View original reply
@tm6173:  Have you talked to your therapist about the abuse and your plan to leave? He or she can help you with resources of how to do this safely. My mom was in several abusive relationships and the abuse got worse when she tried to leave. I’m so glad that you are working with a therapist, reading books, and talking to your mom! It is great that you have these resources and you are using them. It’s good that you are journaling what he is doing because if you start to have doubts about leaving him, look back at your notes and remember why it is important. Don’t believe him when he is being super nice and sweet and blaming you for the abuse. It is not your fault!!  

Post # 48
Member
3707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
@tm6173:  I just want to chime in and say that I can relate to how hard it is to start your life over without the person who has always been there.  I divorced my exH after being together for 15 years, and it was unfathomable at first.  (And he wasn’t abusive… he’s a great guy, just was not a great husband.)

But it gets so much better!  I’m remarried to the most kind, loving, considerate, fun man.  He was also previously married to someone who is a Covert Narcissist, and he is also so thankful that he divorced her after 20 years together.  Her abuse took a serious toll, and he is now a million times happier in our very stable, normal, low-drama, happy marriage.

All this to say, divorce sucks but it’s sooooo much better on the other side! <3

Post # 50
Member
3707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
@tm6173:  I totally get it.  But there’s a really good life for you on the other side! <3 

Post # 51
Member
825 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@tm6173:  “every time he would get back to the love bombing stage I had convinced myself that everything was okay”

I haven’t been in your exact situation, but I did date a gaslighting narcissist long term and one of the things that helped me get out was keeping a journal. Every day I would do a general emotional check in, how I was feeling about the relationship, and anything that happened between us that felt *off* 

Re-reading it later on I was shocked at the things that I let slide because the love bombing and gaslighting would wipe it out. I realized that I was actually unhappy 90-95% of the days, with only a few good days in between that I used as an excuse to stay. 

Post # 52
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@tm6173:  Get a lawyer before you pull the trigger to help you strategize. You need to be careful to extract yourself and your kids out of this. Sending you as much strength as an internet stranger can possibly send another human virtually. Hugs

Post # 53
Member
2647 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
@tm6173:  I’m glad that you’ve been gathering evidence and taking the right steps to keep you and your children safe. Stealth may feel “wrong”, but it will keep you protected and enable you to make decisions with a clear mind.

It is so hard to realize that the person you thought would always be there for you has been gaslighting you and making you doubt your own sanity. When someone has been telling you you’re horrible and worthless, I know how hard it can be to believe differently. 

My divorce was final in 2016, and it took me over a year to really start to “heal”. My family, friends, therapist, and attorney were there for me whenever I needed to hear that I wasn’t crazy, that things would get better. All of them were right. Time heals, good evidence counts for a lot, and one day you’ll wake up with no anxiety or negative feelings and know you made the right decision. Your children will flourish better with one happy, stable parent than they would watching you get trampled on in an unhappy, abusive marriage. 

Better days are ahead. Internet hugs to you! 

Post # 56
Member
5699 posts
Bee Keeper

Have a really great day….call a divorce lawyer.

Post # 57
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Remember this anger!

Post # 58
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Everyone here has given great advice bee I hope you follow it ! I just read your update and we have a 1.5 year old son and if my husband pulled the absolute bs that yours just did I would be beyond livid. Good luck bee please go see a competent divorce lawyer and plan your exit strategy.

Post # 59
Member
89 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
@tm6173:  wow, thats awful! I’m so sorry he treats you like this OP. I dealt with someone like this too and never noticed quite how shitty it was until i was with someone who i didn’t have to ask for ‘”help”. He parents without me mentioning it and will tell me to get some rest if he hears the kids. There is a bright world outside of this marriage for you if you only walk out the door. 

Post # 60
Member
2647 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
@tm6173:  I am so sorry to read this update, but I am certainly not surprised.  His complete indifference to your well-being and that of your son is chilling, and while worse than usual, not outside of what you can expect from an abusive man. It will not get any better from here. 

I know you know this, but at this point, it is of paramount importance that you document any outbursts, times when he did not step up to take care of his kids, etc.  I would also schedule a consult with a divorce attorney.  When you separate from this man, you need to have every bit of firepower on your side to ensure he is never left alone with the kids.  What would he have done last night if your son were ill and he was alone with the kids?  Just let him cry? Locked him in his room?  Ugh, your husband infuriates me and I don’t even know him. 

Take care of yourself, Bee. I hope you feel better soon and can get that attorney meeting lined up. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors