Post # 1
Wedding is planned for April, but we are both feeling more and more unhappy with how things are turning out. A lot of it has to do with catering (turns out the venue’s allowed caterers are the most expensive in the area), but also just generally feeling rushed into it and not like this is exactly what we wanted.
Also, I’m a second year med student, and recently we all had to meet with our advisor to get started on our study plan for board exams. I’m kind of freaked out since this is a very important exam (we take it in early June at my school) and I don’t want to be distracted by wedding planning. At the same time, if we do postpose I’m not sure when we would do it. Originally I wanted to do it on our 10th anniversary which would be a Saturday in the fall of my 4th year, but was advised that this was probably a bad idea since this would be when I would do audition rotations/maybe start interviewing for residency.
Overall I’m pretty confused. Honestly I feel lukewarm about most aspects of the wedding itself- the time (brunch), the venue is just okay (but was in our budget), even the dress (mom bought it on consignment, it’s beautiful but not really what I pictured, but was the best we would ever find at a consignement shop), on top of all the stress at school. Though I could just be feeling overwhelmed at the idea of planning this whole thing on top of school, as well as all the expectations that come with it. We are the last ones in our friend group to get married, and they had some pretty extravagant events which are just not our style (or in our budget frankly).
At this stage we have only put a deposit on the venue and hired the wedding planner so it wouldn’t be too hard to pull out.
Any advice on how to come to a decision? We have a call scheduled with our planner for later this week and I just don’t know what to tell her.
Post # 2
What did you decide to do?
Post # 3
Oh, honey. All you need to get married is your groom, whatever i.d. your state requires, and a few bucks for a license.
You can always throw a big party another day—you’ll have all the time you need to plan.
Post # 4
maryc20 : girrrllll. Just elope!! It sounds like you’re a no fuss kind of bride. Just think how freeing it will be to go away for a weekend and come back married!
Post # 5
maryc20 : Sorry I did not see this before. April of your second year seems like a reasonable time to get married, and you’ll still have time to study for Step 1 afterwards. Even if it’s not exactly what you envisioned, you’re getting married, and that’s great! The venue, the dress, etc. are only secondary.
Getting married in your 4th year actually doesn’t seem like a bad idea if you’re still considering it. 4th year is the best year of medical school because most of it is electives and planning for residency, etc. Sure, you’ll be interviewing in the fall, but if you’re having a reasonable event you can just block out your one week or whatever for your wedding and then resume your interviewing, etc. If you were willing to wait a bit more, spring of your 4th year is actually the most chill of them all because you will have already matched, and you can just enjoy life and what’s ahead.
Best of luck! There is a light at the end of the tunnel!
Post # 6
I gotta say… it doesn’t get easier with medical school/residency… I have 3 doctors in my family in their 20s and 30s and they’ve all said the same thing- it gets tougher and busier each year. If you want to get married, do it now. If you don’t have time for a wedding, elope anytime!
Post # 7
Thanks everyone, we’re still trying get to figure it out, lol. I think the issue is the budget my fiancé set isn’t realistic for what he wants to do – he’s notoriously bad at knowing how much things cost. I know I want to do something, but I’m just not the type for big extravagant events. But a part of me does want to be a bride and all that. Ugh, it’s a lot to think about.
Post # 8
maryc20 : It honestly sounds like maybe a big hoopla isn’t what you’re looking for? If your fiance wants a more elaborate wedding that you’ve budgeted for he either needs to really rethink his priorities or take a more serious look at how expensive everything is.
Have you considered hiring a wedding coordinator? I’m a wedding photographer, and honestly I tell my couples it’s the best gift you can give yourself. People think they are unnecessary and an extravagence but really they’re their to HELP you. You give them your budget and vision, and they’ll break down how much you can reasonably put towards each aspect of the wedding and then recommend vendors who fit within that budget. They’ll do a lot of the leg work for you and often save you money in the long run….and time.
For example, the planners I usually refer will look at your overall budget/wedding size and say “Ok you can reasonably spend $2500 on a photographer, here are three to choose from I think would be a good fit for you. Go through their websites/portfolios and see if there is anyone you like.” I’m in talks with a planner right now whose bride has a lower budget for photography. She referred 3 photogs in her budget but the bride doesn’t like them. The bride mentioned me, but I’m out of her budget. The planner told her she thought I would be the perfect fit, but they’d need to rework some areas for her to be able to hire me. That’s the benefit of the planner!
Post # 9
Honestly, I’d postpone until my financial situation has been figured out. Maybe take a step back and do a little more research. You both need to come together and make decisions you both can agree on. You’re not on the same page as far as the wedding is concerned, what about other aspects?
If you’re feeling rushed that’s because you are. You both should have the wedding you want not what others think you should have. So slow your roll and take a little time to breath and reflect.
Post # 10
On a separate note. People with differing views of money will have problems in a relationship if that’s not cleared up asap. If he is bad with money per your comments, have you and he had a convo regarding how to handle finances? Will you have a separate accounts because you should if he is irresponsible with his money. Communication needs to happen around this cause to me this is a “pink” flag. Don’t ignore. Remember money is the #2 thing that breaks up marriages IMO.
Its all about nipping things in the bud before they start bee.
Post # 11
It sounds to me like you need some more time to figure out your wedding. You feel rushed and aren’t too happy about the current details. It sounds like you want a different venue and a different dress. Why not give yourself more time so that you can pick what you really want?
Post # 12
So, a lot of feeling rushed is my school schedule. Unless you get married between first and second year of med school, there really isn’t a super great time to do it, unless you want to wait until you’re done I think. We’ve been together for 8 years so it would be nice not to wait that long. Also us being irritated at the fact that all the caterers on our venue’s list are quoting ~$105 per person for a very limited brunch menu that does not include alcohol or non-alcoholic beverages or a cake.
When it comes to money, he is actually very good at managing it. Compared to others our age we definitely are in a great position when it comes to that. He just wasn’t exposed to things growing up – his parents were very frugal and had a lot of anxiety around spending money so they never traveled or did anything very expensive, so he doesn’t have a good barometer when it comes to how much things like that cost.
He is far more social than I am so for him having a wedding was a chance to see all his friends again – particularly those who have moved away.
Post # 13
I guess ur only choice is to do it now or after school. That seems like a long wait. May be u are just overwhelmed? If u can pin down ur major task rest of the tasks can be done slowly. May be u could find a different venue where u can find a cheaper caterer or perhaps an all inclusive place. It seems like that is what is making u unhappy. Else may be u can do a small wedding without bridal party and all the bells and whistle ? Or inviting small 30 ish ppl and getting married and have celebration at a nice restaurant? Just throwing out options there.
Post # 14
So we’ve found a sweet little B&B in the mountains that has an all-inclusive “elopement” package. Since we are allowed up to 10 guests, we’re considering doing a private ceremony with just our parents/siblings/grandparents and then doing a restaurant celebration dinner at our favorite place after boards a couple months later. Even including the deposit we’d lose on the current venue we’d be saving thousands of dollars (also me not stressing about our wedding being good enough for everyone else).
Downside – mom and BFF (was going to be a bridesmaid) are super disappointed and think we’ll regret not having the full wedding. Mom is worried about family being offended at not seeing the ceremony, and BFF always regretted eloping (she didn’t have any family at hers at all). So I dunno. My parents aren’t paying for anything so technically I know they don’t get much of a say (Dad loves this idea though), but I don’t want to hurt everyone’s feelings.
Post # 15
You sound like my situation back years ago! My fiance just finished med school and is currently in his first year of residency. We got engaged right before he started med school and we waited until he was done with med school and I had finished my nursing program. All throughout med school, he didn’t work, only got by with the student loans (can’t wait to start paying those back.. ) and my income. We are finally planning our wedding for next year since I’m not the only one with an income now.
From my personal experience with him in med school, I think a wedding during your fourth year would be possible, although I’m not sure if the med school programs are similar everywhere. During his fourth year, he was able to take a couple of months off to travel for his residency interviews but most of his interviews were in-state so he didn’t have to travel super far. That would give you time to be able to still do your interviews and have a wedding.
If you waited until you graduated and started residency, I think financially it might be easier for you. But, you might not be able to do a wedding and have a honeymoon right away depending on your residency.