Post # 1
Hi wedding bees! This is my first post after lurking for several months, mostly on the rings board. Now that we’re actually planning our wedding, though, I would like to get your thoughts on something. My parents have generously offered to pay for our wedding, which we initially wanted to be small (around 40-45 people) and relaxed. However, the guest list is now at 60 and, due in part to the venue we chose, the wedding is getting pretty expensive. We’re looking at about $26k for 60 people, which seems crazy to us. Part of that is that we have to rent a tent, tables, and chairs. Again, due to the venue we chose. With our expanded guest list and the estimate we just got from the rental company, it’s turning out to be more expensive than we expected. My parents didn’t give us a specific budget, but we’re just not happy spending this much and feel guilty asking my parents to pay for it all. Part of that is due to the fact that when we visited the venue recently with my mom, she clearly was not happy with parts of it.
<div>We are thinking of scrapping our current wedding plans and starting over in order to achieve the less expensive, more informal wedding we first had in our minds. However, that would mean losing a $2,500 deposit on the venue, and having to tell people that the date/location has changed (we have let most people know informally so they could reserve the date – formal Save the Dates haven’t gone out yet). It may also mean disappointing the expectations my mom seems to have for our wedding, which themselves are causing some of the stress my fiance and I are experiencing.</div>
<div>Has anyone else done this – abandoned wedding plans that were already at least partly in place and chosen to go a different route? Are you glad you did? Any regrets? Did any guests question your choice? Thanks so much!</div>
Post # 2
- Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA
I don’t see 60 guests as soooo many more than 45. Keep in mind that some people won’t be able to make it to the wedding, so you might be closer to 45 guests anyway…
That being said, your parents are paying, so they get the final say… That is how those things go. If you want to prioritize your and your fiancé’s feelings, wishes, and tastes, pay for your own wedding and have the wedding you can afford.
Post # 3
Just talk to your mom and see what she cares if you could go either way.
Post # 4
If this isn’t the wedding you want, you don’t have to accept their money. That said, if you DO cancel, I would pay them the $2500 so they aren’t out anything, and then pay for the rest yourself. Unfortunately those DIY venues add up QUICK when you actually factor in all those extra costs.
I would not worry about disappointing your parents for what kind of wedding you want (so long as you are paying for the 2nd version yourself). Your wedding should be about you and your fi and what YOU both want.
Post # 5
Since your mom is paying for it, I would just ask her what she thinks. Talk to her about how she feels about the venue, how she feels about how much it is costing, and let her know that you are okay with starting over in order to cut some costs and make her happier with the venue. If you save thousands of dollars by switching the venue, she may be okay with losing the $2500 deposit, especially if the new venue is also one she is happier with.
I wouldn’t worry about telling people the date and location have changed. You haven’t even sent out the STD’s yet, it’s not a big deal. I might wait to tell people the plans have changed until you have the new plans set in place. And if anyone questions you, you don’t have to go into detail. Just say something like, “The venue turned out to not be quite what we were expecting, so we decided to go a different route.”
Post # 6
I don’t entirely understand the conflict. You say it’s all about limiting how much your mother has to pay, but then you say she’d be unhappy with the switch to a less-formal venue and it’s actually about your own stress levels.
Decide what your priority is: do you want to have a low-key, inexpensive wedding, or do you want to let your mother pay for it and have the wedding she wants? If it’s the former, start over and pay for it yourself. If it’s the latter, talk with your mother about what she actually thinks—what issues does she have with the venue, and how does she want to resolve them?
Post # 7
You should probably turn down your parent’s money and pay for the wedding with your fiancé.
You say that you and your fiancé feel guilt, stress, and unhappiness, all or mostly because your parents are paying for the wedding and have expectations. I don’t think having the cost of the wedding covered is worth all these negative emotions.
Have the wedding you truly want to have. You’re not obligated to include others in this wedding planning process, especially in ways that give them power over the event.
Post # 8
Thank you for the responses, bees. I am speaking with my mom tonight and hopefully we can figure out the best way to move forward. If we cancel the venue reservation, my fiance and I will definitely cover the lost deposit.
Post # 9
Yep talk it over with mom and maybe pay the 2500 towards something else in the wedding?