(Closed) Thinking we might elope, the parents are not letting go.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

((HUGS)) it sounds like you have everything together!  i mean if you elope if i’m reading correctly you will already have your wedding paid for?! how exciting!!  if you’ve been on your own this long, then this is definitely not about your parents, it’s about you and your fiance.  Did you by chance purchase the $400 dress?   Is it still there?  I think that’s an awesome deal on it and I wish you the best!! Sometimes it’s hard for parents to let go and realize that you are an adult, self sufficient and are ready to be married. 

Post # 4
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry that things are difficult with your parents.  We were young when we got engaged and we ended up waiting until we were both graduated to get married so that our parents would be happy with it.  Part of me hates that we had to do that but honestly we didn’t want to cut ties with our familiies and make them unhappy with us.  I would do whatever you think is best.  It sounds like your parents might not be the happiest if you did have a bigger wedding with a bunch of people there but I would hope they would turn around once it gets closer so that they won’t cut ties with you.

Post # 6
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I just don’t understand something – why won’t you be able to visit home if you get married?

Have you talked to your parents about why they feel uncomfortable about you getting married? You’re obviously an independent person and it sounds like you can pay for a wedding yourself, so I can’t imagine that money is an issue for them. If you can find out why they feel the way they do, you may be able to reach a compromise and develop a timeline that you’re all satisfied with.

Post # 8
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

@marci: you have ever right to be happy and grow up.  did your parents get married young by chance?  they may want you to experience life a bit more.  i don’t necessarily agree with that because you appear to be VERY mature for any age not just yours :D.  I definitely think maybe you should spend some time with your mom just you and her, all moms have a hard time letting go of their little girls.

Post # 9
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

Oh my gosh marci I totally understand where you are coming from! I am almsot 19 and Fiance is almost 21. We constantly get criticized by his mother and step-father for wanting to get married. I started working when I was 15 and Fiance and I have been together off and on since we were in middle school. We moved in together when I was 16 and we (not by choice…but a blessing) had our son when I was 17. In almost 3 years of living together and having a baby, we have NEVER asked them for ANYTHING. We asked them to babysitt their grandson one time and they totally FLIPPED out. They don’t want to have anything to do with the wedding. It really hurts my Fiance. Granted Future Mother-In-Law and myself don’t have the best relationship, but she is a habitual liar and talks to my Fiance like he is a dog. Everything I do with my son, or anything for that matter, is wrong. I haven’t even talked to her about anything wedding related at all. Fiance has tried to get her to contribute or even be a part of it, and she refuses. I responded to a post on here the other day when a lady asked what people thought about getting married young. I was the first person to respond and boy did I regret doing it. Nobody sees things the way that I do. I understand the stereotypical teenage and early twenties partying thing, but I have an 18 month old to care for. I barely have time to do anything, and this wedding means the world to me and it really upsets me when people shoot it down. I recently posted a few days ago about what my dad said when I asked him to walk me down the aisle. Our families hate each other, and if it wasn’t for my awesome mom and my Future Father-In-Law, we would definately be getting married in a courthouse! I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

Post # 10
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

The older I get, the more I realize the wisdom of waiting for marriage until you’re a little older.  I’m only 29, but that’s really light years away from 19 (I never would have imagined that when I was 29).  However, not knowing you and only knowing your situation from a little paragraph I read on WB, I don’t think I can really comment on whether you should or should not get married at this point.  That’s a decision about your life that you need to make for your life.

I would, however, really really caution you against eloping if it will compromise your relationship with your parents.  It seems from your brief post that you generally have a good relationship with your parents.  Marriage is about forging new relationships, but your current relationships should not be damaged in pursuit of new ties. 

I also think that you yourself will regret not having a larger wedding.  Some couples are the eloping type, and it’s totally right for you.  However, from your brief post it seems like you do want a wedding and I think you will be sad down the line if you decide to elope. 

One last thing…both you and your parents seem to be going to extremes a little:  your mother in saying you won’t be able to visit and you in saying that you don’t want to wait 5 years.  When people are angry sometimes they think in extremes, but in reality, I think there must be some room for compromise here.  Perhaps you could wait another year to get married in order to make your family a bit more comfortable with your decision.  Maybe you hate that option, but regardless, you really need to sit down with your parents and have a very honest, and calm conversation. Being an adult isn’t just about being financially stable and responsible.  A huge part of being an adult is being able to negotiate and compromise in a rational way. 

I hope that you, your Fiance, and your family can come with a way to make everyone happy and still keep your family ties strong. 

Post # 11
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010 - Trinity Presbyterian Church/Harrison Opera House

I would say, “Mom, Dad, I love you and I’m so grateful that you raised me to be a self sufficient and independent woman.  As an adult, I need to make my own decisions regarding my personal life.  I value your opinion and even more, I value your support.  I would love for you to be involved with my wedding planning.  However, if that’s not something that you can do, I will need to do the planning myself.  The choice to participate is yours.  The choice to get married is mine.”

Post # 12
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I really like Bamm’s advice to you about eloping, it’s along the lines of what I’m thinking. Eloping may seem like a great idea, and for some people it is. But you need to be really sure about it and think through what the consequences of that course of action might be, and whether you’re okay with them. It seems like you want to convince your parents that getting married is the right decision for you, not that you don’t want them at your wedding at all. Eloping may really damage that relationship.

Also, how does your FI’s family feel about the marriage? Would Fiance regret not having his family there if you elope? 

Post # 13
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

We did what you’re thinking of. Our family drama was just too much and we eloped. It was a beautiful, planned, four guest black-tie elopement. My husband and I were delighted; it was the happiest day of our lives. We had the wedding we wanted, started our marriage off by pleasing each other – not everybody else. His family is a little upset, but they’re getting over it. And what can they do at this point? We’re married. 

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