(Closed) This bee doesn’t want premarital counseling..

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

i felt the same way as you. i didnt want to go and talk about things with someone i dont know and for us (catholics) someone who isnt even married. i just didnt, not one tiny bit. we didnt fight and we have always had great communication so i didnt see the point.

I caved, I went and I loved it. It was great. they arent trying to get you to talk about your problems if you have any. they are just trying to give you things to talk about. Money, kids, roles of your families, how you want to raise your kids. It was just to make sure we had talked about those things and we agreed with each other.

And we always made it fun. We would go, talk, then go to lunch or dinner and talk more about things just the two of us. I loved it. it made me feel like we were so close cause we did agree on everything. it was just nice to have someone there who cared and made sure we were ready to take such a big step.

if anything i say you give it the ol’ college try. if you really dont like it at least you can tell you Fiance that. that you didnt think it was working for you and he will know you tried for his sake at least.

Post # 17
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Neither of us are religious, and neither of us wanted counseling. I went as a teenager, and while it was nice to have someone unbiased to talk to, it didn’t help me. We are pretty good at fixing our own problems, unless that changes, I don’t feel the need to get it

Post # 18
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Hmm, I’m not invalidating your feelings but if I were your Fiance, I would feel like the reasons you gave are not good enough not to go.

1) Why would counselling be stressful for you? If you are open and honest with each other anyway, then I don’t see why this would change with a third party present.

2) Even though you are LDR and don’t want to waste your precious time together, you should consider the fact that it isn’t a waste. It is very valuable use of your time and if you have the opportunity, why not grab it?

I did teh counselling because the episcopal church requires it, and it was great. The priest used it as an opprtunity to really get to know us so the marriage ceremony felt much more personal. We talked about a whole range of things including how to decide what to tell children about premarital sex, what we would do if one our kids was gay, how we would deal with mixed race kids, the importance of continually striving to be nice to each other and not resting on our laurels because we have a great relationship.

It mostly reaffirmed our beliefs, but it also gave us the opportunity to discuss a couple of things that hadn’t come up yet. Mostly I loved seeing this man who has been married for 40 years telling my Fiance how important it is to do the dishes.

Post # 19
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I thought pre-marital counseling was great. Although, I didn’t think we needed it but we kept an open mind and just did it anyway. You think you know all there is to marriage but it can get hard at times. That’s why it’s good to be reminded by someone else on ways to connect with one another especially from a religious perspective.

If it’s something he wants to do, i think you should be willing to. At least he’s willing to do things to make sure things will last and help benefit your future together.

Post # 20
Member
6995 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

we didnt do counseling so to say but we were required to do marriage prep classes – i was NOT looking forward to it at all – i just didnt get why we needed to but i can honestly say it was one of my favorite things we did while we were engaged. it made us so much closer and that much more excited to start our lives together. i HIGHLY recommend it.

EDIT: i should note that we didnt actually do it with a counselor – since we are both catholic (though i didnt practice) we had to take a full day class with other engaged couples, then we had to meet one on one with the deacon and his wife a few times before our wedding.

Post # 21
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

i agree with PPs that said that pre-martial counseling was one of the best things we did. we were also in a LDR before getting engaged and we talked about a lot of our issues, which our mentor couple confirmed. but it also gave us tools to communicate more effectively, talk about issues that effect EVERY married couple: finances, family, sex, arguing, etc.

it wasn’t about talking about our problems, but about who were were and who we hoped to be as a couple. i highly recommend it to EVERY engaged couple, no matter the time togther, distance apart, ages, etc.

doesn’t hurt to try, IMO.

Post # 23
Member
7288 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Would he happen to be ” Christian” and you do not follow a religion?

Post # 23
Member
6995 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

View original reply
@BirdofaFeather: great point!

It was never about problems or issues in our relationship… more about our thoughts on sex, religion, kids, finance, moving,  house hold chores, working or not working, how to spend holidays…….little tings you dont think to talk about – one of the biggest most intriuguing parts for me was discussing family origin and how his family did things vs my family and what parts of each we want or dont want to incorporate into our own family.

 

Post # 24
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

DH and I had to do the counseling (Catholic) and to be very honest, we got very little out of it. We disagreed on like 4 questions on the FOCCUS (out of maybe 120) and although our priest was very nice, it was mostly awkward. There was very little he talked about that we hadn’t already discussed, and anything we hadn’t, I didn’t really feel comfortable talking about with him (the priest). Not to sound mean, but I think I would get better or more ‘relatable’ advice from my married girlfriends.

The same for our Engaged Encounter weekend -while a lot of the girls were crying, I was trying not to laugh. It just seemed like a waste of time to me. Part of it was probably the one couple we had leading – they just came across as holier-than-thou.

I can however, see the counseling as being very helpful if there are areas of your relationship that are causing strain – family, finances, etc.

However, in contrast to the OP, it wasn’t one of us wanting to and the other resisting. We both pretty much felt the same way. I think since your Fiance would like to go, that you should at least give it a chance.

Post # 27
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Honestly, I wish we had done MORE counseling before we  got married. I liked being able to talk to our pastor about things. I think in the future we will go back and begin counsling again.

Post # 28
Member
5992 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

we eloped and didnt have counseling, it was never something mentioned or discussed but if we were required to do it i wouldnt have had a problem with it – i think doing it makes a lot of sense

Post # 29
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We have lived together 2 years so we don’t feel as though we need to go. We’ve been handling money, etc. together for long enough that we have faith that marriage won’t change how we handle things now. I do know people that went and loved it. Whatever works best for you, though. However, since he wants to go, maybe give it a try? Perhaps you can find somewhere to go that you aren’t committed to a whole workshop or something, just go for a trial session? You may wind up liking it.

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