- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
Ok, so.. I have 4 BMs – my Maid/Matron of Honor, my Future Sister-In-Law, and 2 more friends.
Everyone has been amazing thus far except for 1. As a back story, I know this girl hates weddings. She was Maid/Matron of Honor for a friend’s wedding before and said it was the worst experience in her life. She hates weddings for I don’t know what other reasons. Perhaps because she’s single, but she’s been in long term relationships before, so I don’t think that’s the only reason why. Either way, she tried to backtrack once I asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and said she’s really excited for my wedding and whatnot.
For the most part, she’s been fine. I asked her to help me pick out some jewelry off etsy, and we spent an hour online looking at links and in the end I ended up not picking anything we looked at bc my Maid/Matron of Honor offered for me to borrow her set and I accepted. I try to keep wedding talk to a minimum around her.
Well, it backfired on me. I asked 2 of my other BMs to go check out a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress for me. To clarify, I don’t live in the same state as they do – the 3 of them (not FSIL) live in the same state and I live 600 miles away. So I asked them to do me a favor and check out a dress from a specific brand. They went to a store, they tried on the dress, it wasn’t flattering on either of them, thent hey tried on other dresses from the same brand, same problem, they all fit the same THen they picked another dress from a private label by the salon, they liked it, it was flattering, they ordered it. So I immediately called the 3rd Bridesmaid or Best Man and asked her to go try it on or send in her measurements. Part of the reason I excluded her is because she is an hour+ train ride each way from the salon (they are a 10min drive, cannot go pick her up, its too far) – this train ride is on a weird schedule and she has before refused to take this train to come see me, so I figured I would save her the hassle and just send them and have her send in her measurements. I also told her that if she wanted to try on another dress from the same label, that she liked better, maybe we would switch the dress, or maybe she would wear that dress and I would have Future Sister-In-Law wear it too, so its 2 and 2, but I really preferred to have everyone wearing the same dress. Ultimately, she kept asking a million questions (I sent her a pic, the dress was in blue, our wedding colors are mint – twice she asked why the dress looked blue in the picture, she asked the cost, she asked who got to try it on and blah blah) and then she said that she felt really left out that they went without her. I told her it was my decision, I had told them to do that, thinking it was best for everyone, but she was still pissed about it. Ultimately, she went to the salon, gave them the measurements and left – never trying on the dress or trying anything else on. I thought that was a little spiteful, I was trying to be accommodating, I made a mistake by not giving her the option to go to begin with, but I was trying to fix it and she wasn’t having it.
Eventually we talked it out over the phone, both apologized to each other and made up. But she has not stopped since then complaining about (1) that the dress is long “it’s a beach wedding, it should be short and fun), (2) that the dress is expensive (it’s $200 – same price I paid for every other long Bridesmaid or Best Man dress I ever wore), (3) that the cost of being in weddings is expensive and “disgusting” (in her words).
I told her that I spent $1500 to be in one bridal party and $2500 to be in another. That it’s really expensive to be in a bridal party – the cost of the dress, shoes, alterations, hair, makeup, travel, gifts.. it all adds up. That I’m trying my best to keep costs low. I offered hair/makeup, but didn’t require it. Since my wedding is a Destination Wedding at an all inclusive, I’m having the bach party on the Sat night everyone gets there, so we can go to a club at the resort and everyone can drink “for free” – that is, in no added cost to what it would cost us to have a bach party in NYC (where I’m from) since it’s already paid for as part of the AI. That I’m declining a bridal shower, so that’s one less gift to give and one less thing to host for the bridesmaids. Literally, the cost of being in my bridal party vs just going to my wedding would be the cost of this dress and whatever shoes they get to match (we haven’t even discussed shoes yet, whether they have something that would be fitting or not). I understand the dress isnt cheap – I already spent $60 of my own money to order a dress off of etsy that just didn’t work out. We’re 5 months out to the wedding, Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses take 4 months to come in, I don’t have the time to waste to look for a good deal. And I didn’t even pick the dress, my Maid/Matron of Honor and another Bridesmaid or Best Man did and they were comfortable with the price, too.
I just told her if she wanted to step down, I wouldn’t be hurt. That she doesn’t have to accept an invitation to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but to make the decision for the dress order finally goes through. The last thing I want to hear is someone complain to me about how expensive my wedding is, how it’s disgusting how much things cost, blah blah. I told her, “It wasn’t exactly fun spending that much money on my friend’s weddings, but I wouldn’t trade being a part of that day for the wrold.” Trying to put it in perspective. Honestly, if she came as just a guest or if she came as a bridesmaid, the difference would be at most the $300 the dress, after taxes and altertions, would cost her.
This got longer than I had hoped. I think I’m really on here to vent. I don’t want to ask her to step down, I want that to be her decision – and I really wouldn’t be upset. I’m having a destination wedding, I know it’s expensive and I know that it’s not something everyone can afford to do or go to or be a part of, I know being in a wedding is expensive, I get it and I’m doing my best to try to keep costs down, but I don’t want to hear it either. I don’t want someone complaining that I picked long dresses 16 times. Or that the dress is so expensive for a “dress I’m never going to wear again” – I never wore the other dresses, either! It’s part of life and part of being in a bridal party (at least, in NY, that’s the way it is – I know other bees have it different).
Ok there.. I think vent over..