(Closed) This can't possibly be normal.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would this bother you?

    Yes, and I would express my concerns.

    Yes, but I would try not to let it bother me.

    No, not really.

    No, I do the same!

    Other. (explain below)

  • Post # 32
    Member
    2909 posts
    Sugar bee

    Okay, if I were you, I would tell him ONCE more, VERY clearly, that this is 100% upsetting and hurtful to me, and that I expect him to NEVER say that again in my presence. It doesn’t matter if he thinks it’s not a big deal, it matters that TO YOU it’s a big deal and he can either respect your feelings enough to change OR NOT. I would probably add that if he needs to go to a joint counseling session with a therapist so that he can fully understand WHY his comments are unacceptable, that I would arrange that. (My guess is that 99% of men would rather agree that they would stop than agree to seeing a therapist who could explain WHY they should stop. I don’t view this suggestion as a threat — it’s more an underlining of how Very Serious this topic is to you.)

    I would end a relationship over this issue, and I would not think you even slightly unreasonable if you decided this was dealbreaker.

     

    Post # 33
    Member
    412 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I would talk to my Fiance immediately.  And depending on how the conversation would go would let me know if I would go through with the wedding, prospone it, or cancel it all together.

    I would not tolerate that in my relationship at all.  Not ever.  Why does he even think that he needs to express that another women is attractive at all.

    Couple examples for you just so you can have something to compare it to. My dad has kind of been the same way the entire time that he has been married to my mom.  Not so much saying what your man is saying, but everytime he saw an attractive lady he would nudge my mom or give her a little kick under the table and told my mom to “check out the tits on that one” or “look at the ass on her”.  After 32 years of marriage my mom has about no self cofidence.  And she has never felt like she was good enough.

    One more example.  My brother say rude comments.  Not quite to that extent, but he doesn’t hide what he is thinking by any means.  He has 3 kids and one of them just turned 4. As we all know kids like to repeat everything we say.  I have heard her say the following things “there is a skeeter on my peter whack it off”, sings “I see mommy’s boobies”, and whenever she sees a lady walk by she says “there you go daddy” – because that is what my SIL would say to him. 

    Point is you don’t know how this kind of disrespectful comments will effect you as time goes by.  And if he says these kind of things to you then what will he say in front of the kids (if you should have them).  But what you absolutely have to do is discuss your conern with him and see if he is willing to change. You should always be able to discuss what is bothering you in a relationship.

    Post # 34
    Member
    2606 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    View original reply
    @hanulies:  show him he needs to drastically change how he handles his prepubescent inability to control the verbal vomit coming from his mouth.

    Love this!

    A few have mentioned “doing it back to him”. What will this accomplish? It will only bring you down to his petty level of selfishness. There is no need to be vengeful, it gets you nowhere but in an ugly circle of tit-for-tat.


    She shouldn’t do it forever….I agree that that just makes it an “ugly circle.”  BUT, if she does it a few times, it COULD get him to realize, “Hey, that really stings when she says that.  I get it now why she’s told me to not say that stuff.”  She’s tried telling him it hurts her feelings, and he still does it.  If he’s SHOWN that it hurts, he may wise up. If he doesn’t wise-up, I would be out the door.

    I don’t mind the occasional comment about an attractive person, (like “she’s hot” – if my DH EVER said he would “f*** the s*** out of her” I would be gone) – I make comments like that, too.  I tend to develop crushes on fictional characters…not that actors that protray them, but the actual character they play (like Wolverine, but not Hugh Jackman, Captain America but not Chris Evans).  Most recently, DH and I were re-watching the first season of “Leverage” and I said, “It’s not even fair how hot he is!” about Elliot.  But once it crosses the line into the sexual comments, it also crosses a boundry in our relationship.  The fact that you’ve expressed that you don’t like it and yet he continues to do it is just plain rude and disrespectful, (some Bees aren’t bothered by it and that’s fine FOR THEM, but it’s not fine for you, and there is nothing wrong either way, as long as nobody’s feelings are being hurt).

    Post # 35
    Member
    794 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    View original reply
    @MissTexasFire:  LOL! EXACTLY…I’d be gone so fast, he’d only see the puff of smoke left behind – and hear the sound of me uncharacteristically cursing him in the distance.

    Post # 36
    Member
    941 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Since he knows It’s hurtful, but still continues to do so, it sounds like verbal abuse. Purposely making you feel insecure or inadequate. That’s NOT okay.

    Post # 37
    Member
    230 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I would not marry this guy.  He clearly has no respect for you.

    Post # 38
    Member
    37 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    My Fiance will say “That’s a good-lookin’ woman!” when he sees a picture, of, like, Kate Moss in a magazine I’m reading. But I’ll comment on celebrities I find attractive, and he’ll agree “That’s a good-lookin’ man!” which I think is funny. He’ll say that too if we’re talking about friends of mine– such as “So and so looked gorgeous in her wedding dress” and he’ll chime in “She’s a good-lookin’ woman!”– but it comes off more as a nice compliment to my friend (and of course I agree anyway). I find the whole thing funny more than anything else.

    I think that going so far as to make crude, explicit comments about random women to be VERY disrespectful and I absolutely think you should bring it up with him. I’m having a hard time understanding how he could think that was OK. It’s one thing to say to your guy friends (and my FI’s friends are not the type to talk like that about women anyway), but entirely another to say it to the woman you love.

    Definitely talk to him about it. I will say if he obstinately refuses to understand, it’s going to be very very hard to make him change. My guy is stubborn as a mule and we had to go to couples counseling for a year for us to get better at disagreeing with each other. I really recommend couples counseling although it’s difficult. And I also agree that 99% of men would rather change their behavior than go see a therapist, so that might be the last resort on the table.

    I’m sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁 Is he respectful to women otherwise? Is he really young?

    Post # 39
    Member
    1850 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Totally innappropriate. My DH and I joke around about him having celebrity girlfriends, but that’s where that ends. He does not tell me the people he finds attractive, and he most certainly never says anything about wanting to have sex with anyone other than me (celebrity girlfriends included). Your Fiance is totally in the wrong, if for no other reason than you told him it bothers you and he did not stop.

    Post # 40
    Member
    4272 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    Not cool…the right guy would not make you feel horrible.

    Post # 41
    Member
    3622 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I said “other” because I really cannot imagine my DH saying that to me (once or repeatedly). I don’t know if I’d be able to let it slide or if it would really bother me. BUT since he knows it hurts you, he’s wrong for continuing to do it. If you want to save the relationship, why not suggest he see a therapist to work out why he wants to keep hurting you?

    Post # 42
    Member
    1416 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    It’s not that the behavior itself is wrong (that depends on what you think) but the fact that you said “this behavior upsets me” and he hasn’t shown that he’s at least attempting to discontinue the behavior is annoying. However I would never not spend my life with somebody because every once in awhile they say something that annoys or hurts me and people who say to leave somebody over one issue are melodramatic and the reason there’s so much divorce in this country. Talk it out. Let him know that it’s not just annoying but really truly hurts you to the core and that he’s allowed to have thoughts, everybody does, but it personally hurts you when he verbalizes them so if he could please work on finding a way to keep them to himself, whatever that may entail on his end.

    Post # 43
    Member
    2959 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    He continues to do it even though he knows it hurts you. THAT’S the point. Yes, every one likes to glance at a bit of “eye candy” now and then but there is a huge difference between that and delibrately saying something over and over again that you KNOW hurts the other person. I would be telling him to stop it or you will set him free so he can pursue his desires.

    Post # 44
    Member
    4499 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    He should not be saying this, especially after you’ve told him it hurts you. This is worth dumping him over. I’m sorry.

    Post # 45
    Member
    1686 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    If you’ve talked about it several times before and he doesn’t get it, personally I’d start. Everytime I saw a hot guy I’d say man he’s hot, wonder how big his dick is, it’d probably feel amazing….or oh man wouldn’t I love myself a piece of that. See how he likes it. I wouldn’t be staying a relationship where someone talked about effing other people all the time, totally inappropriate and purposely hurtful. If he knows how much it hurts you and keeps saying it, I find that abusive.

    Post # 46
    Member
    1152 posts
    Bumble bee

    In FI’s words: “What a dick.”

    That’s definitely not normal, and it would make me feel awful. I’d feel like he was unhappy with me, or worry that he wasn’t committed to me. Yes, I am a bit of a prude, but I’d expect that if it was hurting me, he would at least put in an effort to change his habits.

    If he’s willing to stop saying such disrespectful things, you’re okay. But if he’s stubbornly set on openly disregarding your feelings – that is a big deal.

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