(Closed) This can't possibly be normal.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would this bother you?

    Yes, and I would express my concerns.

    Yes, but I would try not to let it bother me.

    No, not really.

    No, I do the same!

    Other. (explain below)

  • Post # 47
    Member
    8036 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @followsound:  I’d say it’s immature at the very least. Have you told him how this makes you feel?

    Is this the only issue you have in your relationship? Does it happen a lot?

     

    Post # 48
    Member
    440 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I think this is one of those situations where the actual ‘crime’ isn’t necessarily the problem, but the way you’ve both reacted to it shows a deeper problem with communication. It could be leaving socks on the floor, it could be always being late… whatever, if you’ve told him it really upsets you then it’s his refusal to listen that worries me, and the difference in your values. As with most things, just be blunt as blunt honest – leave him no room for ambiguity about how you feel about it and how he reacts will make your decision.

    Post # 50
    Member
    2690 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    I would definitely say something to my Fiance. I’m sure he is attracted to people other than me, but I don’t really want to hear about it. It’s very hurtful for him to say those things to you and I hope he stops.

    Post # 51
    Member
    3089 posts
    Sugar bee

    People do things when there is a benefit.  There is something he is getting by expressing this to you.  I am going to be completely and brutally honest with you.  I wonder if he is saying it because the way it affects you gives him a boost and makes him feel good about himself.  Hear me out.  I doubt anyone has that little self control that they cant help express how much they want to have sex with someone else to their mate.  It sounds as if the attention he is getting from expressing this to you is sort of an ego boost to him.  I know, it’s pretty sick but it happens!

    I will not marry a man who feels comfortable expressing his sexual affinity for other women.  He could not possibly have any type of respect for me and this would indeed be a deal breaker, and especially after he knows how I feel.  Since he wants to have sex with other women like this, I would extract myself and let him go ahead.  Of course he means it else he wouldn’t say it.  Out of the heart a man speaks. What if you did the same thing? Would he be as forgiving?  And since he is so free to express this, I would never feel secure and that he could be faithful.  Life is too short to be with someone when you constantly have to question him.  

    Post # 52
    Member
    1069 posts
    Bumble bee

    I would be upset too. That’s hurtful and not right at all!

    Post # 53
    Member
    2540 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Ummm, maybe I watch too much criminal minds and I also work in the mental health field…..but something about your post struck me as very concerning.

    I’m really sorry, just saying. You’re not wrong to not be ok with that behaviour.

    Post # 54
    Member
    6116 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    No it’s not normal. I’m glad you know it’s not!

    Normally, in good relationship, when someone does something hurtful (indirectly/directly), you just have to ask once (maybe twice) for them to stop and they actually will. 

     

    You can state the seriousness of it.  Like, “It really bothers me when you say you want to *bleep* women that walk by.  It bothers me so much that I am unsure if I can continue this relationship if you don’t stop.  That’s how much it hurts me.  Are you able to change things now that you know how serious is it for me?”

     

    That’s not an ultimatum – but it lets him know it’s not acceptable, how serious you are, and what can happen if he continues.

     

    Post # 55
    Member
    47 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    Hi, Followsound! Here’s just a long opinion:

             If you get to take your FI’s hurting comments as “normal”, you would have to get prepared for your self-confidence to be destroyed very slowly. This I’m going to say might be crude, but a man who says that kind of things to his wife-to be, can’t possibly love anyone ( I don’t know if your Fiance is too youg still but, if not, I see it very difficult for him to change his weird concepts of women and sex). In my personal experience, when I was young, I was always trying to figure out what was “normal” in a relationship because I didn’t know which “model” of conduct to follow -specially with so much technology right now sending us distorted information about what a relationship is- . With the time, I think I gained a little experience and got to learn that self esteem is the only thing that  should dictate to us what is taken as “normal” in a relationship and what isn’t. Judging by the title of your post, I think that your self esteem tells you that your FI’s hurting comments CAN’T be taken as normal. If you know any happy family, you will see that the husband does NEVER (NEVER, NEVER) make that kind of hurting comments to his wife. Let me put it in other words, Can you imagine your dad making that kind of crappy comments to your mom? I don’t think so.

    Actually, now that you have make it clear to your Fiance that those comments are hurting you and, even after that, he keeps doing them, that’s considered a type of abuse, Did you know? Because  an abusive person doesn’t necessarily have to physically hurt you or be verbally aggresive (actually, he can even use “sweet” tones of voice or manners with you to justify his awful comments; something like “but, honey! It’s normal that we all men sometimes want to have sex with other women! But…don’t be silly, I love YOU! “). The worst part is that, if he has a “good side” in all of the other areas of your relationship, you will probably try to justify his awful comments by compensating them with his “good side”; that’s too dangerous for you because, if you let your self esteem disappear, your FI’s awful comments would make you feel that something is wrong WITH YOU for not taking something like that as “normal” and you will always feel you’re competing with whichever random woman crosses on his way. Just go very slow with this decision of your marriage with him (I personally wouldn’t marry a man like that). At the end, if you decide to go on with your marriage plans with him or if you decide to finish your relationship, I wish all the best and good luck with any plans you make. And sorry for making you read such a long comment!

    Post # 56
    Member
    2522 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    What a fuckface.

    I would punch him so hard in the crotch, he would be tasting his balls for a week.

    Post # 57
    Member
    3339 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

    My jaw dropped when I read this.  Literally.  That is completely 100% unacceptable, especially because it makes you feel the way you do (which anyone would).  But it’s also completely unacceptable to break off the engagement without talking to him about it.  In a calm, rational way explain how it makes you feel.  If he truly loves you, he’ll stop doing it.  If he doesn’t…then rethinking the engagement isn’t such a bad idea.

    Also, if you haven’t already, you should talk to him about dealbreakers.  What are you (and what is he) willing to put up with in life?  Will you stay with him if he actually acts on one of these impulses?

    My fiance and I discussed our dealbreakers, which include substance abuse.  After being engaged for almost a year, he developed a drinking problem.  I told him he needed to get help or the wedding was off, even though we had already spent about $8000 on the wedding.  He took me seriously because he knew I was serious.  I wasn’t willing to marry him and have kids with him and have him turn into an abusive parent or drive drunk with the kids in the car.  He loved me enough to be willing to get help.  Your fiance should react the same.  YOU should be the number 1 most important thing in the world to him.

    A marriage is about constantly growing together.  You should be able to talk about anything and everything and not have it break the marriage.  If he can’t deal with a simple request like this, then he’s not the one for you.  It may be hard to break up now, but it will only be harder later.

    Post # 58
    Member
    407 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I don’t know what kind of relationship you have so I definitely wouldn’t tell you to leave him. Maybe postpone the engagement until you’re on the same page with this?

    Just so you know, my husband tells me I’m beautiful, that there is no one else he wants to sleep with or will ever want to sleep with in the future, that he’s lucky to have me. He does it daily. I don’t know if I 100% believe the “no one else he wants to sleep with” part but he says it with sincerity and that’s enough for me. He makes me feel beautiful, special, and loved. You deserve someone that makes you feel beautiful, special, and loved.

    PS This is coming from a pretty blue-collar guy so if he can do it, anyone can do it.

    Post # 59
    Member
    13902 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I don’t think it’s normal…. and at the same time, I don’t think it’s a good sign if you told him it hurts you and he continues to do it.  THAT is where I see the larger problem.

    Post # 60
    Member
    1237 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    View original reply
    @abbie017: Yep, that is the issue I take with this. If you know that saying something or doing something hurts your partner and/or makes them insecure then stop doing it. Otherwise it comes off like you just don’t care. 

    I’m not going to tell you stay, go, postpone, whatever because I don’t feel like that’s my place and I don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship. That being said I don’t think you should ever have to feel uncomfortable in your relationship and he seems like a major asshat to continue saying those things when you’ve told him how you feel about it.

    The topic ‘This can't possibly be normal.’ is closed to new replies.

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