Post # 16
One thing that could start the conversation with your Fiance would be discussing what each of your can do to make the other feel loved/appreciated. If you ask your Fiance “what can I do to make you feel more loved/appreciated/paid attention to?” you can start of the conversation positively. You’ll address the failings and issues you’ve had in a roundabout way, instead of focusing on negatives and piling on guilt. My Fiance and I will also realize we’ve been fighting a lot sometimes, so we’ll try to explore why. Usually it’s because I don’t feel like he’s listening or something is bugging him deep down. Talking when we’re calm always helps us get to the root of our issues. It’s great you guys are on the same page and want to work together to improve things. Good luck!
Post # 17
That is part of the daily grind. Any changes that you experience, especially so many changes at once, can affect even the strongest of relationships. Will the hours diminish or are you stuck with the work schedules you have indefinitely?
Appreciation goes a long way. Small notes in lunch boxes, making dinner, cleaning up, small gifts here or there to let him know you’re thinking about him (or vice versa), doing small chores around the house… Small things go a long way. For example my husband often makes me coffee in the morning. He is a tea drinker, however, having that ready to go in the mornings means a lot to me, and I notice it.
Can you plan a weekly or bi-weekly time for the two of you? It sounds like your schedules are inconsistent to begin with, so maybe once you get your schedules for the month, plan 2-4 dates for the two of you. It can be as simple as going to the book store or library and picking out your favorite books and spending the rest of the night reading on the couch snuggled together. Maybe it means making a meal together. Maybe it means going out to a new restaurant. Maybe it means doing experience dates once or twice a month. Whatever that looks like to you, plan it into your calendar as a mandatory event. That may help you stay connected.
Post # 18
My Fiance and I work long and weird hours at different museums across our city. It’s been difficult to have any deep and meaningful conversations until recently, and sometimes our shared chore list gets very large.
Those sound like extremely difficult hours to deal with. I second the idea about notes in lunch boxes, and would add that a text or two on your lunch hour/your commute home would also help.
I tend to thank my Fiance for little things, especially if we are not having a ton of time together.
We also make it a policy to have a date every week, even if it is just to the sushi place around the corner, or pizza and a movie on TV. We sometimes just have an unplugged evening and cuddle for half an hour before bed. It really helps us stay connected even if we are starting to get frazzled.
Post # 19
Can either of you cut back slightly on the work hours? Not ideal, no, but if yo guys continue to work 6 days per week your routine will turn into a lifestyle and I think you need to make a choice.
Post # 20
jldavivc : that’s so awesome that you had the time to really see how good both of you are! I think while it’s good to have a routine down in a relationship I think overtime you stop noticing because life stress gets in the way. I too notice how amazing my husband is and always let him know amd apologize when I don’t give 100% to our relationship.
Post # 21
My fiance and I went through something similar when we moved in together and both started work. Is it possible for you to wake up a bit earlier? We also had to go to bed early but we ended up waking up about an hour earlier in the morning to eat cereal in bed and watch a show on netflix before showering. The most important thing is communication, share with your partner your concerns and it will help them open up too. One of our biggest issues was learning how to lean on eachother.
Post # 22
jldavivc : I probably sound like a broken record here, but building gratitude is the answer. When we start to take things for granted (it’s hard not to!) the root is usually self-absorption and not being actively grateful. I think depression, in some ways, goes hand in hand with self absorption NOT because it’s immoral (I fully understand it’s a medical issue, I am not trying to offend or degrade those suffering from depression) but because it’s hard to think about anyone but yourself when every day feels like a battle. A healthy relationship requires two healthy people, so taking care of yourself is key.
I think the single biggest reason Darling Husband and I have been so successful in our relationship is because we never stopped trying to impress each other, we’re married but I’m still his girlfriend. I still appreciate what he does for me every day, and I tell him so! I thank him for everything he does, I am quick to express initimacy and gratitude, and so is he. We still do the little things, he buys me flowers, I pack him lunch, we get each other gifts “just because”, we surprise each other, and we have a great sex life. When we have an issue we talk through it, reach a solution, and then NEVER bring up the conflict again. We don’t harbor any resentments.
Darling Husband never makes me feel insecure in our relationship, but we both know we’re each “catches”. Realistically, a million beautiful girls would love to be with Darling Husband, and why wouldn’t they? He brings so much to the table. Realistically, a million handsome guys would love to be with me, I bring a lot to the table too. We both know this, and though we never try to make each other jealous, knowing how valuable your mate is really helps drive the desire to continue to put forth your best effort every day.
Darling Husband and I are often asked for marriage advice by our friends and acquaintences, which is very flattering. We both give the same basic lines. We agree that it’s wrong when people say “marriage is hard work”, marriage isn’t and shouldn’t be “hard work”. What marriage does require is daily effort. It’s the daily effort that allows us to stay agreeable, quick to compromise, quick to forgive, quick to do all the little things that make each other happy, and quick to say thank you and give a big kiss.
Post # 23
I understand not wanting to take unecessary medication, or indeed anything potentially problematic ( I guess you are a vegetarian etc?) Probably most of us would say we are pretty conscious of what we put in our bodies so you are not unusual there.
But – if you have a serious clinical depression, really you need to consider antidepressent meds, just to kick start the healing process.
All the therapeutic talk in the world with social workers/psychologists/lay therapists won’t really work if your brain chemistry is amiss. You wont have to take them forever, or even necessarily for a long time.
Just sayin’. Maybe, hopefully this doesn’t apply to you .