(Closed) This doesn’t make sense to me.

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Every guy’s different so I really have no advice here, I try to understand the “guy time” thing cause it does have a point but it still doesn’t make sense. Maybe his starting to look at sex as a chance to make a baby instead as fun sex with his wife? IDK.

Just FYI: he “keeping his sperm flowing” (slightly) decreases your chances of conceiving cause he diminishes his sperm count.

Post # 4
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think you might be sending some mixed signals.  If my Fiance said he was tired and going to bed i wouldn’t think he wanted sex.  I would think he was tired….and wanted to go to bed.

Post # 5
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If porn is getting in the middle of you two having sex I would think there is a problem. That’s not fair for you at all. It sounds like he is making excuses but at the same time I think the part of him wanting to not worry about pleasing you and just himself is true. that’s very selfish of him.

Post # 7
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ugh I am sorry. Try talking to him about it at a neutral time. If he is watching porn to the point where he isn’t meeting your needs, he has a problem.

Post # 9
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It sounds like you need counseling.

Post # 10
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Lee_Ann: <– what she said.

Post # 11
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I definetly say counceling as well.. Since he has no time to listen while playing games– then you need to make time. Does he work?

 

Post # 12
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t think watching porn is the problem. I 100% agree with your SO, sometimes you just want alone time to get your jollies quickly and with minimal effort. Or as my Darling Husband puts it, “sometimes you’re in the mood for a filet mignon, and sometimes you want a HANDburger”

If I tell my Darling Husband “I’m tired, come to bed”, that sends the message of “I’m tired. I’m going to bed. You can either choose to come to bed or stay here and do whatever you’re doing.” Even saying “If you want any, come to bed right now” doesn’t really sound like something that would get my DH’s motor running.

Have you tried actually making an effort to seduce him? I find when my Darling Husband is distracted by something and I’m in the mood, if I straddle him and start kissing his neck and working my way down, his attention is immediately shifted. Or I tell him I want to give him a backrub and then I turn it into a front rub…. Pretty had to send mixed messages there.

Post # 13
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think you need to be super direct with him.  I’ve said things to Darling Husband about being tired and he’s interpreted that as me not wanting to be intimate.  I was just stating that I was tired and that had no correlation about my lack of desire (even though that’s what he hears).  Something like: “I really want you right now” is more direct than “Let’s go to bed”.

The issue, IMO, is that the porn is getting in the way of your frequence of desired intimacy and that’s what needs to be addressed (that you would like to be more intimate).

I’d start there with Darling Husband and see how you two can figure out how to make that happen. 

What I learned with my Darling Husband is to just be upfront with him – ie: if we are going through a lull, I’ll tell him:  I really need to have sex with you.  It doesn’t mean that it happens then and there -but it IS communicated and it often happens sooner than had I not said anything at all.

 

Post # 15
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@bride21: I think you need to do some self-exploration about why saying words related to sex make you uncomfortable (if you don’t already know why this is).  I’m not suggesting you use raunchy words to him – but things similar to what I suggested in my post.  Being able to talk about sex and be comfortable with it is a very good place to start with your husband.  It’s supposed to be something beautiful that’s mutually shared and enjoyed.  Not something to be embarassed about or uncomfortable with.  I know that it will take work to get to that point, but it’s definitely worth the effort and your marriage and intimacy will likely benefit from it!

Post # 16
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

Video Games are definitely part of the problem here, guys can become very addicted to video games and easily get lost in them, to the point that they forget they have a life outside the game. My Fi is a video game lover as well, but I informed him a long time ago that his video games will not come before me or us. It has taken a long time but he has learned to compromise with me and has learned to walk away from the game when he needs too, it is not easy though.

You need to be upfront and vocal with him, if he laughs at you, you need to address this, ask him flat out why he is laughing at you. If he gets mad at you for interrupting his game (after you have given him a change to take a break) unplug his console and inform him that you will not be put behind an electronic. You need to stand up for yourself and don’t beat around the bush, tell him what you want, ask him what his problem is and go on from there.

 

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