Post # 1
It’s hard to mention this topic to anyone here because everyone has pretty concrete views of the situation. And also, this is really just a vent to get it out of my head. So I’ve posted before about my situation with my father and how I’m having my brother walk me down the aisle. Yes, I was apparently a “Daddy’s girl” when I was very small and he and my mother always provided me with what I needed. Later on though (mid-late middle school maybe?) he stopped really providing me with the emotional connection and we were very distanced from each other. He claims he never noticed this but everyone else did so I don’t think it was just my perception. Also, I didn’t want my mom to walk me down the aisle because of other reasons. So I picked my brother. He’s always been my best friend, we’ve been through every thing together, we know each other very well, and we’ve always been extremely close even though he didn’t live with us most of our childhoods (he has a different father). I know these are good reasons. And I know I can’t please everyone and need to do what’s best. But I hate thinking I made my father feel like a complete failure (which he wasn’t a complete failure, our relationship just fell apart a lot from 7th or 8th grade on some of which is mentioned in a very old post). One example recently is that last May he came to my college graduation but did not see me and wouldn’t go out to the celebratory dinner because he just didn’t want to be around my mom even though the day was about me. I know this is irrational but he was very hurt that he wasn’t walking me down the aisle because he said as a father he had always expected to do that. And I’m his only child which doesn’t help how I feel. He’s not even coming to the dinner afterward, I even felt the need to make sure he’d stay for pictures. I just hate the idea that I hurt someone that much and that this was his only chance. But we grew apart as much as I hate that. We’re still in touch and kind of getting closer sometimes. It’s just hard I guess when I know I made someone feel disappointed in themselves (again, I know it’s irrational because I did not control his actions that led to our relationship declining). I just had to get that out.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry you feel this way! It will get better!
I have a situation just like yours, my dad pretty much up and left when I was in 6th grade and moved to mexico. Came back when I was in high school never even went to my high school graduation… ect. He was great when I was younger, and a few years ago we really started to have a relationship again.
I opted to not have him walk me down the aisle and to have my older brother, my dad was hurt, and I wasn’t even sure if he was going to come to my wedding. He booked his flight for the day before the wedding to arrive at midnight. However even though he was pretty nervous he went to my wedding, and he had a blast! He always gets nervous about family things because he’s not really apart of the family anymore, he only talks to me, and my brother and sister could care less about him.
My fi and my dad get along great and I think that helped my dad alot, he knew that even though he wasn’t walking me down the aisle he was def. apart of a new chapter of my life.
Best of luck I hope all turns out ok for you!
Post # 4
I’m fairly certain he probably won’t come to the reception anyway. He wanted to bring a couple of his friends but our wedding is so small because of budget and space (like 30 people) that it wouldn’t work and I’d rather invite his parents or one of his siblings than his friends I’ve never met. And my fiance talks to him and seems okay around him but I know that he has a deeper frustration that probably is obvious sometimes because of things I’ve been through with my father. Hopefully he’ll stick around for dinner since we’re still saving a seat for him. And thanks!
Post # 5
I think it’s up to you who walks you down the aisle and your brother seems like a great person to do it. I know how it is being distanced from a father and I can understand why you would not want him to walk you down the aisle. I think I’m going to be having a similar situation when I talk to my Dad about this.
Post # 6
The other posters have said it very well. Just wanted you to know that your decision sounds very reasonable and well thought out, and while you cannot please everyone, you can do your best to express your reasoning and your appreciation for them anyway.
Post # 7
It’s definitely your decision.. but you may could think of a way to make yourself and your dad happy. Could you have your brother walk you down the aisle and then have a “handoff” to your father to actually give you away? Then you still get what you want and he will have the joy of doing something that is so important to him. He obviously isn’t the best dad, but our parents are humans too and screw up often…
Post # 8
@missbitsnpieces: I was actually thinking about having both my parents technically “give me away” after my brother finishes walking me down the aisle.
Post # 9
You know what, this day is about you, not about pleasing other people. If he hasn’t done things like staying around for your special dinners and celebrations because your mom makes him uncomfortable, that was selfish of him and he has no right to be hurt when the repercussions of behaving like that unveil themselves.
You don’t need to feel bad at all about having a male relative that has shown you love and support over the years walk you down the aisle. If you and your dad became distant when you were just starting high school, that is not your fault, he was the adult.
You can’t please/avoid hurting people all the time.
Post # 10
I think you’re doing the right thing. I have never been close with my dad and we actually didn’t communicate with eachother from when I was about 16 til I was 21 (I’m 23 now). My stepdad has been a constant, wonderful presence in my life since I was 10 and I am going to have him walk me down the aisle. I don’t really think it matters what other people say is proper or whatever because they don’t know your life, and only you can decide who deserves to walk next to you on the way to meet your husband.