Post # 1
Okay so my FH got a new job about two years ago and worked closley with a woman. I was uncomfortable with this to begin but then they swapped numbers and texted (it was only about work – I saw the texts) but one day I saw he’d been txting her on and off all day, while he never text me back saying his battery was dead. I was upset he’d lied to me and was basically igoring me over this other women. He said he was sorry and that nothing was going on and to make me feel better he deleted her number.
A few months later we were on vacation and I used his phone to make a call and saw her number again under a different name. I went mad and accused him of cheating and he told me the only reason it was there was because he needed it once for work and the reason he changed the name was so I wouldn’t see it and get upset. He then deleted it for good and promised the wouldn’t lie to me about anything like that again. It looked bad because he’d been hiding her in his phone.
a few months ago a new girl started working with him and after ONE day added him on Facebook and twitter. he jokingly asked if it was okay to accept the friend requests. I said “of course no need to ask my permission.” So he did. but then she saved his number after he called to offer her the job And started txting him. There have been occasions when he has been in a conversations with her and again ignoring me. I just hate the idea of him ignoring me and having a laugh with someone who he has so much in common with (he works in sports journalism)
I know it’s not a big deal (texting) but when it happend the first time he promised he wouldn’t do it again. So I was upset. When I was younger my dad cheated on my mom and I suppose that’s always in the back of my mind, as stupid as it sounds.
Sorry just needed to vent.
Post # 3
While it was wrong of him tolie tl you on a few occasions, I would argue that it is just as wrong to choose his friends just because you are jealous.
This new friendship is likely nothing more than that, especially since he has been honest about what is happening. If this is going to bother you, I think you need to tell so exactly how you feel with a reason for your feelings. After that, perhaps councilling would be beneficial to learn to manage your insecurities.
Post # 4
How am I choosing his friends?
Post # 5
By asking him to no longer text particular people you are essentially asking that he ends the friendship and therefore choosing who he is friends with….
Post # 6
@ToTheMoonAndBack: I’m asking him not to Text a woman who he lied to me over. I’m not asking him to stop talking to his friends…
Post # 7
I don’t think that relationships fail because of friendships with the opposite sex. But they do fail when there is no trust. It builds resentment and makes people feel controlled. That’s when the lies start.
In this relationship either he really can’t be trusted and will bed another woman at the first opportunity or you have trust issues that need to be addressed. Either way stopping him from texting work colleagues wont make the issue go away.
If your man is the first of the options you may want to think of moving on. Hopefully that is not the case! If this is an insecurity thing then hopefully you will be able to talk it through and work on it together. Does he understand how it makes you feel?
He was wrong to lie about it.
Post # 8
I’d also be annoyed and totally pissed about him lying. That being said there isn’t much you can do because he does need to talk to these people. He might just have “that” personalitythat gets along really, really well with women. It wouldn’t hurt if you reminded him to tell you how ugly they are how annoyed he is that they’re texting again.
Isn’t jealousy a b*tch? I am the same way and seriously, I don’t blame you one bit. It would really bother me, well mainly the lying part. I have been known to steal my SO’s phone whenever we’re together and put it somewhere he can’t get it. If it rings for a text I “politely” remind him that it’s me time. It may help.
Post # 9
Texting is a big deal if it’s making your relationship suffer and you feel like he’s ignoring you. I also find it shady that the new girl added him on Facebook and Twitter one day after being hired, in addition to saving his phone number and texting him. That seems inappropriate to me.
The fact that he lied to you twice (saying his battery was dead and that he deleted the first girl’s number) is my biggest concern. I would have a hard time trusting my FH if he lied to me, especially if it’s about another woman. Like LadySmurph, my FH ignores his phone if he’s with me (or politely asks if he can take a call). We hardly see each other during the day, due to school and work, so the time we get to spend together is very important.
I would sit down with your FH and tell him how his actions are hurting you. Does he know that your dad cheated on your mom? If so, he should be more sensitive to how you’re feeling.
Post # 10
I completely agree that the texting an having friends of the opposite sex isn’t the issue here. The issue is that he hides it, lies, and will blatantly lie to you (about the dying battery) while still texting with them.
I would be upset too. when there are reoccuring lies in a relationship it is impossible to trust one another. I would defiantely talk to him about it. He should be honest if he is unable to be texting you and instead of lying about his phone dying maybe he could let you know he is busy with work an will talk to you later.
As long as the texts are work apporpriate (since they are co-workers) then I woul dbe ok with it, but it seems like he might have a hard time establishing professional relationships if he is texting and facebooking with the women at work, oes he treat the men the same way?
Post # 11
@shaynapunim: we’ve had a chat about it all and he’s promised to be completely open with me about everything now. I feel bad about being suspicious about him. And because he knows about my dad cheating on my mom, I don’t think he’d ever cheat on me. It’s just hard to trust him with things like this because he’s told me he’d never do it again. But has 🙁 Such a difficult situation.
Post # 12
I would not be happy, at all. And NOT because he has female friends/co workers, but because as other PP’s have stated he is being deceitful in his actions. “Hiding” it or “lying” about it, or ignoring you because of it has caused you to be jealous. Well, I WOULD BE TOO!! Jealousy is a valid emotion. I find that in most cases jealousy stems from reading a situation, and then having that emotional reaction. However, jealousy is often pushed aside as someone being ‘crazy’?!
If YOU – his Fiance – have a problem with his behavior, then YOU – as his Fiance are entitled to express those feelings, and then express what it is you want from him. He, as your Fiance, needs to listen and then find a way to make you comfortable. Stating ‘i will not talk to x, y, z’ and then re-introducing her under a different name is not the solution. Perhaps finding a way to make you comfortable with the relationships he needs to have with these women is a better way to approach it. Letting you know he is chatting with them about work, and needs those moments to focus would help. Perhaps, if plausible, introducing you to his coworkers would help.
Anything else DOES look and seem suspicious. Adding them to his personal accounts the day after hiring them DOES look and seem suspicious. If your Fiance is just one of those naturally, flirtaeous/friendly people that others connect with, fine. But that does not give him a ‘free pass’ to do things that make you uncomfortable.
I would ask him, if he is willing to discuss this with you, how he would feel if it were you doing the same thing?!
ETA: Just read your follow-up post about your discussion…glad you guys talked 🙂 Good luck!
Post # 13
Yeah I’d accept a one time lie and offer forgiveness, but over and over? No way. He is outright lying to you and it doesn’t matter WHAT he is lying about, a lie is a lie. I don’t know exactly what I would do, but I know I wouldn’t stand for my Fiance hiding numbers in his phone in order to talk to another female. No man is going to go through all that trouble for someone who is ” just a friend ” and to me I should be my FI’s #1. He would never let another person, male or female, disrupt our happy home so to me it speaks volumes that your Fiance is so willing to let these random co workers cause so much strife.
Post # 14
I understand your feeling of untrust. When my Fiance started working with his company I was extremely nervous too. His company does not have a brick and mortor location here in Florida so my Fiance and his boss (a woman) work out of there homes. When he has to do reports or testing he has to go over to her home alone which made me extremely uncomfortable. I have been cheated on in the past and I couldn’t let go that he has not cheated on me and I should give him the benefit of the doubt. He text and called her all the time too but it is his job it is what pays our bills. I expressed concern and told him what bothered me so at a good opportunity, during a Christmas party she was throwing, he asked to bring me along. I got to meet this woman I was so jealous of and realized that nothing would ever happen with her and we actaully became friends and I feel a lot better about his job and our relationship. Jealousy can put a lot of stress on both of you. See if Fiance can set up a casual meeting.
I agree you have a right to be mad about the hiding the numbers that I would have a serious talk about with your Fiance.
Post # 16
Tread carefully. I don’t know your sitch but everyone I personally know of the under 25 set that displayed this behavior were usually emotionally cheating including an ex. Like getting some flirtation need filled. HOWEVER. I don’t know everyone in the world or their situation. This really could be nothing. What I can tell you is clear it up for you and him asap! Otherwise this is going to build into a huge problem of trust and without trust your relationship will fail no matter who is or isn’t talking to you or Fiance.