(Closed) This is awful…what would you do?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

@Keylime Pie:  I completely agree with you on this. I hope they sort this out and that the guys will advise him to tell. What a horrible situation to be in, for you guys and for the couple, and the girl specially 🙁

Post # 33
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If it was you wouldn’t you want to be told? Don’t stand by and watch her marry him, tell her!

Post # 34
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

@Mrsluckywife: 

Do you want this girl to tell her and ruin FI’s friendship with the guy? If it was me, I’ld like to hear this from my Fiance and not from my FI’s friend’s SO that is a common friend/acquaintance. It’s gonna blow up in her face, and it will turn ugly for all involved. 

 

 

Post # 35
Member
1182 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Pick the option you can live with and feel least bad about. For me, that would be to say to this girl’s Fiance, “Look, I know what happened between you and that other girl. I can’t keep this secret for you, it’s making me feel too bad, so either you need to tell your girlfriend or I have to.” And then I’d set a time frame for myself, like three weeks, and do it if he doesn’t.

It’ll probably ruin your friendship with them if you tell. On the other hand, if you don’t tell, and she finds out later you knew, that’ll probably ruin it too. 

Post # 36
Member
324 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Ugh that’s a toughy.  I say that I would want to know, and that I would tell, but if really confronted with this situation I don’t know that I would.  You may just want to stay out of it. Hopefully the guys will convince him to talk with her about it.  

Post # 37
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

This is a crappy situation, but it’s not a tough answer. Say nothing, as your knowledge is third-hand. Do not force your fiance to say anything either. It will lead to discomfort and probably an argument in your relationship. If he tells her, fine. If he doesn’t, that’s his decision.

He f’d up, but it isn’t “clear that he’s not ready for marriage”. His buddies maybe should have said something to him when it happened, but it’s no one’s place to threaten him with “tell her or I will”.

Besides, for all anyone knows, maybe he did tell her, but she’s forgiven him. Or maybe not. But how would you react if someone told you that?  

Post # 38
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have first hand experience with this.  DO NOT TELL HER.  It’s not your business.

Post # 39
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

If it was me being cheated on I would want to know. However on the other side I also wouldn’t want to implicate myself or my Fiance by speaking to the cheater or cheated directly. I would go for anonymous email or letter with as many details about the event as possible. Then I would let it go.

Post # 40
Member
704 posts
Busy bee

Isn’t there some sort of ‘girl code’ that says we should inform another female of stuff like this?

It may tear your Fiance and his friend apart, though.

Maybe your Fiance can say something like, “Look, man, you gotta tell her. If you don’t, I’ll/we’ll have to – she deserves to know.”

I don’t know, it’s tough.

Hopefully he really, really regrets it.

Hopefully he’s not one of those guys who feels like if he got away with it once, he can do it again…

Post # 41
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012 - Hacienda los Agaves

What I’d do..

I’m more friends with my FI’s guy friends than with their girlfriends, yes I like the girls (most of them) and they’re nice (not really), but it’s not my place to say anything. On the first place you don’t know, your Fiance shouldn’t have told you, I consider that (your Fiance confiding that to you) a more sacred bond than a “girl code”.

She does deserve to know, but for all we know he’ll apologize, she’ll forgive him, the wedding will go on as planned and you’ll be the witch who rained on their parade.

I think I’m just trying to say I think it’s not your place to say anything.

Post # 42
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Keylime Pie:  This is a tough one. She deserves to know the truth and who she is marrying. I think your Fiance should step up and talk to his best man. If this guy is close enough to be his best man, he is close enough to have a man chat. Yes, the relationship will change and possibly end, but does he want to be best friends with someone who blantantly disrespects and cheats on the one person he is supposed to love the most and shows no remorse for it?

If your Fiance won’t talk to his best man or his fiance and tell her what happened, I think you should tell her. She might resent you or worse, but at some point in her life she will silently thank you. 

In any case, the relationships between you and your Fiance and his best man have already changed. This will always be hovering, acknowleged or not, between you. Dishonesty will always prevent true intimacy between people in any type of relationship. It sucks, but you guys know and you have an obligation to tell her the truth. The truth will always come out anyway.

Post # 43
Member
697 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It’s not your place to say anything…BUT at the same time, she deserves to know.  Tough position to be in.  I would probably make the Fiance confront the best man and tell him to fess up.

Post # 44
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

A lot of times people want to “tell” for the power in it/to be involved in drama, so make sure none of that is there IF you tell.

Sounds like someone got too drunk and kissed a girl at a bar. He openly kissed her it in front of his “shocked” friends – experienced cheaters are much more careful and their friends aren’t often shocked haha. I would not leave my bf, if he was truly sorry, for such a slip-up and we’d handle it quietly. How do you know she doesn’t already know? It’s been a month and a lot of good guys can’t handle lying that long.

Stay out of it.

And as to pps saying he shouldn’t be in your wedding, your Fiance is going to be his best man. It’s probably important to your Fiance to have him at your wedding. People get a little too high-horsey about what their bridal party should be. It’s a wedding, not the friggin’ priesthood. Your bridal party’s behavior and pasts are not – nor should they be – a reflection of your commitment.

Post # 45
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

The easy way out is to act like you don’t know and keep your mouth closed. 

The right thing to do is to approach him and tell him he needs to come clean or you will.  Give him a week to do it.

More than likely he will have an issue with you and your Fiance and may never speak to either of you again.  However, he’s engaged which means he is about to take a vow to be loyal to this woman and he just demonstrated that he can’t be trusted.  

The principle is, treat people like you want to be treated.

Post # 46
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I wouldn’t tell her because it’s none of my business. Plus, how do you know he didn’t already tell her? I think the only circumstace in which I would tell her is if she was a very very very close friend of mine. If you strongly believe you need to tell her, I think you should run it by your Fiance first.

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