(Closed) This is awful…what would you do?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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@lia22:  “Especially in your case where she isn’t even a friend”

This is why I think the OP has no reason not to tell her. So what if she doesn’t believe/calls her a liar/doesn’t want to speak to her again. They aren’t friends but this girl still deserves to know, no matter how she takes it. 

I just couldn’t live with myself knowing something that someone else deserved to know about their own relationship.

Post # 63
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@Everdeen: hmm i think if her Fiance isn’t willing to throw his friendship away though, it will destroy it.  It will also make it impossible for her to be with her Fiance when he is with his friend – especially if the fiancee stays with him. Every situation in which they may all be together will be strained/awkward or ruiined.  Let’s not forget he’s the best man which most likely means his best friend and probably for years if not since childhood.  Would you throw away your best friend over them making out with someone?  If anyone should say anything it should be her Fiance to his friend.  How would you feel if your friendship was ruined because your Fiance said something that you told them in confidence?

My thought on how it is less important to tell her because she’s not a friend, is that someone I don’t know or who is an aquantance is not worth ruining my love’s friendship over.  If it was a close friend I would feel more obligated as I would have more interest in their wellbeing and may consider more, risking my FI’s friendship over it.

Post # 64
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Having lived through this and more, after 17+ years of marriage and 3 children we divorced. I had several friends tell me that they wish they had said something before we got married…

Do I wish they had said something?!?!

DAMN STRAIGHT!!!!!

Post # 65
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

she needs to know or shes going to marry him and he will eventually cheat on her again in probably a worse way and then she will be STUCK!

 

You have to tell her…tell your FI’s friend that if he doesnt tell her you WILL because she needs to know this information. If my husband ever did anything like that i would HAVE to know before I invest anymore time and effort into that relationship if you know what I mean!

Post # 66
Member
504 posts
Busy bee

I may have missed it but what does your Fiance want you to do. This may sound selfish but the most important relationship you should be worried about is yours with him.

Post # 67
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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@lia22:  

I certainly don’t think that the OP should say anything behind her own FI’s back. Certainly not. He saw it, it’s his friend and he needs to support the decision to tell her before she can be told.  

I see this thread as convincing the OP and her Fiance to tell the girl, not for the OP to go behind her FI’s back. If the OP’s Fiance doesn’t want to tell the girl, then the OP should stand by his decision. Sorry if that wasn’t clear and thank you for bringing it up.

I do think that they should both tell her together but that perhaps the OP should be the one leading the conversation, the “woman’s touch” kind of approach.

My thought on how it is less important to tell her because she’s not a friend, is that someone I don’t know or who is an aquantance is not worth ruining my love’s friendship over

Just because someone is my friend doesn’t mean that them doing something wrong is somehow “less wrong” because they are my friend and their partner isn’t. The girl deserves to know, period. No matter who she is or who her Fiance is. Even if the OP’s Fiance talks to the Best Man there is no way to know if he told the girl or not, so you have to talk directly to her. 

I just think that she could take not being told (and finding out later) just as badly as she could take being told. She could stay with him but resent OP and her Fiance for not telling her sooner/in private/kindly (depending on how she finds out) and then all outings would be awkward as you described. Or she could be told, not believe, be angry and then things be awkward, again, as you described. If you are going to choose between those two worst case scenarios, I’d rather pick the one which has my conscious was clear. 

ETA: I would want to know and even if my SO had come and told me himself, I’d be pretty peeved that no one else cared enough to make sure that I knew.  

 

Edited to make it clearer. Thanks to 

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@Jer72: for pointing out that it wasn’t.

Post # 68
Member
504 posts
Busy bee

Oh I in no way thought anyone was telling her to go behind his back. I was just wondering if he told her hoping she would tell or if he told her because he was confiding in her and expected her to keep it to herself.

I understand what you’re saying about him needing to support her decision but since he is the one who told her then I think she needs to support his decision. If she goes against what he wants then she could lose his trust. She knows how he feels about what his friend did and he sounds like a great guy. I personally wouldn’t want to jeopardize my relationship with my husband by divulging information that may not even be appreciated.

Post # 69
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Jer72:  Sorry, again I haven’t been clear, when I said “…he needs to support the decision to tell her.” I meant that he needs to support the decision to tell her before she can be told. And that the OP should try her best to convince him that she should be told, but if he holds fast to not telling the girl, then there is nothing to do but support him in that decision. 

Again, all of my writing was aimed at convincing both the OP and her Fiance that the girl should be told. 

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