(Closed) This is getting to be too much (long, sorry!)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Bryant2be:  You and your Fiance are not currently prepared for marriage.  Financially, emotionally, etc.  There are red flags all over the place.  His Gma guilted you both into living with her?  He is unemployed AND not saving any money?  Not a great way to start off a marriage.  Healthy marriages are between adults who are capable of supporting themselves and one another.  You are not going to get that here.  At minimum, you need to postpone this wedding until A – you have enough money for it and B – you are both financially and emotionally prepared for that level of committment.  Marriage involes so much more than just love.  Yes of course love is a really important component in any relationship but you also need the following (to name a few) – independence (from family and from one another), financial security, trust, reliability, open and honest communciation, this list goes on.   Don’t take this as being harsh, but clearly you both have a little growing up to do.  You need to finish school, he needs to get his act together and start working toward finding a job and saving money.  Don’t rush into this, it’s not a good idea.  Either way, I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 5
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Bryant2be Im sorry you feel this way, its a horrible situation to be put into I see why you are stressed.

However, I have to agree with everything JemmaWRX said, there is already too much strain on your relationship with everything already going on.  Your wedding needs to be postponed until everything is much more stable.

Sorry you are going through this, good luck, hope it all works out in the end.

Post # 6
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Bryant2be:  

The money troubles with him are the real problem here if you ask me.  If he is bringing in far more money than he puts out in bills, yet has none left and you have no idea where it’s going then there is a problem.  Money is probalby the biggest cause of problems for most couples.

My Fiancee and I are pretty aware of each others financials.  Not exact, but close.  We have our own checking accounts (mainly spending money) and we have a joint account.  I made an excell sheet with our monthly expenses, we split those bills in half and each of us puts half of that into a joint account each paycheck (every two weeks).  So, twice a month each of us contribute 1/4 of the months bills.

That aside we each have spending cash for just whatever… the rest goes towards paying down debt, or contributing to the wedding/honeymoon (which will add back onto the debt!)

If he is incapable of good financial descisions you have a huge problem going into the marriage.  He either needs to learn to be more responsible, give you visibility on his income so he can be held accountable when he doesn’t come through, or let you mainly handle the finances if you are good at that.  Don’t get to controlling though!  Take it to a marriage counselor if you need an impartial party.

The way my Fiancee and I look at it is this: We split the bills 50/50 as well as we can, then we essentially split what we have left 50/50… regardless of who makes more.  Yes, one person might end up contributing more to the “spending money”. But if you can’t share that resource you have a bigger problem than money.

Post # 7
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I am sorry to say, I agree with the other ladies.  I think you should deeply consider if this is truly who you want, or if now is the right time.  As someone who got married too young, I can say from personal experience, that just falling in love with someone doesn’t make for a perfect marriage.  My first marriage only lasted 1 1/2 years, and there were red flags like you are talking about all over the place.  I had problems with his family and his finances.  These are two things that don’t change.  Keep your eyes wide open to what you’re getting into, and if that is what is going to make you genuinely happy for the rest of your life.  I am with someone now that is my equal & treats me with respect.  I would do some soul searching.

 

Post # 10
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

well, i get the feeling that he’s not contribuiting enough and that he doesnt plan to.

Tell him you wanna get out of his grandma’s home, that’s not you responsability.

May i ask you old are you both?

Post # 11
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Bryant2be:  Please cancel the wedding. Seriously. It will only make things worse. Your fiance is unemployed, but is he trying to get a job? Is making it a job to find one? You don’t want to be with a financially irresponsible guy who lacks ambition (am not saying your fiance is – I don’t know the situation well enough).

You can still be engaged, but I think the wedding is just putting way too much pressure on you, and realistically, you can’t afford it. Nothing worse than starting married life in debt. Don’t do it.

You can stay together, hopefully things will improve… I just don’t see how getting married will help things. I see them getting worse if you do.

Post # 12
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

Please DO NOT RUSH to get married. this sounds like trouble when a man can’t handle his finances when the bills are 1/4 of his unemployment and he still can’t manage ???~!!! Don’t do it. Why do I say this ? My father is in his 60s and still thinks money will come out of his ass somehow. Where? I dunno.  He just thinks everything works itself out. Meanwhile he racked up 5 figures in credit card. has nothing to show for it. who’s paying for it literally and figuratively? my mom, me and sibling. we have our own lives.

RUN. You can’t change this mentality.  I love him but goodness how ignorant can you be. There’s more to my story but it’s too long to type.

Finally we kids had to shut him down. Took all his credit cards away, separated my mom’s accounts, took all his bill paying duties, pretty much nipped him in the bud because he was never going to change. He accrued this debt before and my mom slowly paid it off cuz she didn’t know a lick of english coming to this country and thought he knew everything. He knows SQUAT. he secretly was paying bills…INTEREST ONLY. so over 5 figures was basically just interest that we owed. HOW F’ed up is that? I wish Suze Orman would come and kick his ass sometimes. 

So if you man can’t even manage with his unemployment, don’t expect it to get better. sorry for being harsh

Post # 13
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Bryant2be:  

It sounds like you’ve already made efforts to curb his bahavior.  It’s time to tell it that if he can’t do it on his own then you will be the one handling the finances.  No waiting until he gets his “big boy” job… his funds go into the account you control before the wedding and he gets an allowance after bills and wedding saving funds.

Post # 14
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Bryant2be:  He’s not good with finances, that’s clear.  But if’s returning to school, he should be saving for school, not a wedding.  This is why you guys aren’t ready as a couple.  It takes time and patience to prepare yourself for the lifelong commitment of marriage.  In my book, if you aren’t finished school and/or financially capable of providing for yourself and your husband/wife, you have no business entering into a marriage.  When you marry, you are a unit, a family.  You don’t need all the money in the world, but you need to have your financial house in order.  Beyond that, you certainly need a level of responsibility (with a lot of things, but especially money).  And frankly, at 21/22, you don’t need this responsibility.  I have a mortgage that’s up $100 from last year, all of my bills are up, my Fiance got transferred to another job and it’s costing him MAJOR $ in gas, tolls, etc.  It’s not easy.  BUT, we get through because we BOTH manage our money well, have TWO decent incomes, talk openly about money and budgeting, etc.  I’m telling you, enjoy your youth now, because growing up ain’t always roses.

OP – I skimmed through your old posts and I can’t help but wonder if you are eager to marry because you are estranged from your own family?  Almost like you are trying to solidify a family of your own?  (Look, I could be way off base here so take it with a grain of salt if you don’t agree, I’m no pyschologist).

The bottom line is, this is your (you and your FI) time to grow up, make desicions that are best for yourselves as individuals, find your own identities, and grow as a couple.  I’m not saying your relationship is doomed, but I think if you marry one another, you will eventually figure out should have waited and resentment will rear it’s ugly head (“If it weren’t for YOU, I could have done THIS!  If only we waited I would have realized THAT).  Again, I’m not saying you *definitely* will divorce, but why go through all that trouble when you can hold off a couple years and determine whether or not you a truly right for one another AND ready?

Post # 15
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bobsgirl2007:  I think some of you are losing sight that this kid is just that, A KID.  He’s 21 years old.  Do I think he should be MORE responsible with his money?  Sure.  Do I think he should be AS responsible as say a 28 year old?  No, I don’t.  He needs to figure this out on his own, as he grows up and matures.  Not because him and his fiancee are rushing to grow up, get married, etc.  He may never change, and if that’s the case, OP is in for a lifetime of hurt, distrust, anger, resentment, etc.  But, at this young age, he very well has the capacity for change.  And OP should figure this out PRIOR to getting married… I think that’s really the issue here, not that he’s doing what most 21 years old guys do.

Post # 16
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Anamagana:  Shes 22, he’s 21.

The topic ‘This is getting to be too much (long, sorry!)’ is closed to new replies.

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