Post # 1
I am a regular member who is using another name and I really need some advice. So, my fiancé and I have been together for almost 4 years and I have to admit it has not been all peaches and cream. We moved in together after we had been dating for a year and had a child not long after. Now I had moved on my own at a young age while he was still living with his parents. Needless to say I have always held 1, 2, or even 3 jobs, but he kept getting fired from job after job which built a lot of resentment and debt in our relationship. Sometimes it got to the point where our fights would get completely out of hand verbally and physically from both sides. He would take my car and leave me at home crying and I would throw everything possible in his face. Fast forward to now. We have gone through counseling, he is working steadily, and the arguments rarely get out of hand and never to the point that they used to, but there is still one huge problem. He works during the evening and sleeps all day so me and our baby almost never get to see him. So of course on the weekend I want to spend as much time with him as possible. He will spend the evening with us on Fridays, but then he will leave around 11 or 12 on Friday and/or Saturday nights. I always tell him to try and be home by 4, not 1, not 2, but 4. And almost every time he will come home at like 7 or 8! Now of course each night he’s gone I will wake up in the middle of the night, call and text him a thousand times and he won’t answer, so of course I can’t sleep and am raging by the time he gets back. It gets to the point where I am screaming at him and hyperventilating and he just acts so nonchalant about it. Then he proceeds to spend the rest of the day ignoring me and the kids and complaining that he is tired. I have just had it, no matter what I say he can’t see how much he is hurting me and how disrespected I feel that he is allowing the sun to beat him home almost every weekend. He thinks I am trying to control him but I wouldn’t get mad if he would at least have the decency to text me and to be home at reasonable time. I am just at a loss right now because it happened again last night and I flipped out. Please give me some advice on how to make him see the error of his ways. Sorry so long…
Post # 3
Wow that is so stressful! I understand him wanting to hang out with his friends but going out until all hours of the night every weekend seems so immature to me. I know his sleep schedule is off from working at night but that doesn’t mean you should go out and party all night.
Post # 4
I think what he is doing is completely wrong and you have every right to be upet about it. His partying teenage years are over. He has a family now and it is time to respect that. How would he feel if you did that to him? Do yuo have any reason to believe he is seeing someone?
Post # 5
@Tessemasgirl He has really never given me a reason to believe that there is anyone else, but when its 6 in the morning and your man isn’t at home with you where is your mind going to wander…either he was in an accident or he’s with someone else. He has seen how angry and hurt I get and we’ve discussed it several times, but it just seems to be getting worse and worse. Other than this things are good for the most part, but every weekend night I am dreading him going out and not coming home. I really just need a new strategy…
Post # 6
Sometimes when I answer these posts I feel really torn between wanting to be honest but also wanting to be compassionate. Please take this in a spirit of help, and not of cruelty.
I really think you need to break off your engagement with this man, break up with him completely, and begin on a clean slate as a single mother. This man does not respect you. He has no concern for your feelings. His actions do not show love – they show contempt. These are not the actions of a husband. These are not the actions of a father. They are the actions of an adolescent who doesn’t want to grow up or man up.
The tragic part of all of this is that his inability to be a man not only hurts you – it hurts the innocent child that you both decided to bring into this world.
Post # 7
There are a few things to consider.
Would you be better of with or with him? Does he pull duty with the cihld(ren) or is it left to you? Have you paid down your (his) debt?
Many, many texts to anyone is frustrating for the recipient and doesn’t accomplishment anything but make you and them angry. A simple text “Are you okay?” is enough. Leave it at that. He is an adult and, unfortunately, if he doesn’t responsd, you must let it go! Yes it’s rude and inconsiderate of him not to respond, but you don’t own him.
I hope you get back to counseling and work through this situation. Go with him or without him, but you are setting yourself up for years of grief if you don’t deal with this soon. I’m not saying your expectations are unrealistic, but he may feel they are. He may not be ready to make the kind of commitment you need. You deserve an equal partner that you can rely on. He may see your wedding date come closer, and is getting scared. His behavior is not representative of a caring, commited adult, parent or spouse.
Both your and you FI behavior in front of the children must stop! They absorb every bit of negativity you put forth and it is detrimental to their growth and future happiness.
And, most importantly, you deserve someone who loves and respects you.
Post # 8
I need to add. ((((HUGS)))). I’m so sorry you are going through this!
Post # 9
@Chiagowife You are right. I tell him that this behavior cannot be tolerated if we are going to be married. Its just so frustrating because we have worked through so many other things that to end it all over this just feels like defeat to me.
@sudslover Thanks for the much needed hugs! He is very good with the kids and we have paid down a lot of our debt, but there is still much to go. I agree about arguing with him in front of our children because I know how much it hurts them, so that has come to a halt. I don’t know if life would be better without him, but at this point I’m just AFRAID to find out
Post # 10
Have you ever tried a trial separation?
I ask because my FSIL had trouble with her man vanishing on full weekend benders. No matter how she nagged, no change. Well he changed plenty when he came home one morning and the house was empty. She’d taken the kids and gone home to her mother. It forced him to think about what was actually important to him.
What age is your man, Fed Up?
Post # 11
@ Aunt Pol We’ve been seperated a couple times, but its never been for more than a few days. We are both 23. Did your FSIL and her man work things out?
Post # 12
They did indeed, they’ve been married I think 5 years now, 3 kids and happy out. He still goes out with the lads occasionally, and makes a total idiot of himself doing it, but he did grow into being a great dad and family man, he was just a slow learner 🙂 Depends on the man. That’s the real question.
Post # 13
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I can speak from experience, having been with someone who acted like your fiance. I was much happier once I left him. Now, I’ve got someone who loves and respects me and I can’t believe I ever let someone treat me like my ex did. But it took me standing up for myself to make it happen. If you don’t leave, this man will just keep treating you any way he wants. I would bet that he feels like he “has” you because you have children together. Don’t let him do this to you.
Obviously, my situation is not the same as yours,, but I urge you to step out of your own shoes and try to look at this from an outside perspective – would you let your sister, daughter, or best friend endure this sort of treatment? I imagine the answer is no. Best of luck to you. I’ve both left an abusive man and called off a wedding (2 different guys). Each time I thought it was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, but it led to much, much better things down the road.
Post # 14
@LittleSpitfiere Thank you for the advice. I’m just so conflicted. It’s like he’ll apologize and things will be good and then the next weekend it’s the same thing. Other areas of our relationship have gotten so much better that I just feel like I’m being petty about this or something. I think the fact that I am not working for the first time in years makes me feel even more useless and needy. Luckily, I will be starting a new job in a couple weeks and will hopefully feel more self-satisfied.
Post # 15
Focusing on the going out till late portion of your post. The problem (to me) seems to be that you say “I want you to do X” and he does not agree and then when he does not do X you get very upset at him. I don’t think you have the right to yell at him and text him constantly because he is doing something he never agreed he wouldn’t do. Just because we want someone to do something doesn’t mean they have to do it. Adults can not and should not control other adults. You can’t unilaterally decide he is supposed to be home at a particular time, he’s not a child.
So the two of you need to talk about this and decide on what both of you can live with. If you can not agree then you need to break up.
Yes to me it seems sensible that if you have a child and partner at home you aren’t going to stay out to all hours. And I would not stay with someone who didn’t bother to inform me how late he’s going to be out. But I would also not be with someone who tried to tell me when I was allowed to go out.
It almost seems like he might be staying out so late because you tell him to be home by 4.
Try a new strategy. Make plans of your own that don’t involve him for those days. Don’t expect him to be home on those days. Go out and do something active he has no energy for. If he complains tell him that he chooses to waste his time with others so you’ve had to find other people to spend time with and enjoy.
I would also seriously consider how much he is helping your life and how much he is making your life harder – maybe you’ll be better off all around if you leave him.
Post # 16
I feel for you and I can sympathize. My FI was unemployed for a while and he got a job bartending at a small local bar near us. Bars close at 4a around here. He’d come home 6,7am – his argument was that he didn’t have to wake up & go to work till the next night. I understood that he was working from 9p-close but there’s really no reason to hang out for another 3 hrs. We’d fight about it all the time but he eventually stopped when he realized how much it was bothering me.
I think his lack of understanding/disregard for your feelings bothers me more than his coming home late.
This might sound juvenile & some people might bash me here — but what do you think would happen if the shoe were on the other foot? Maybe make plans with girlfriends & stay out till 6-7am & ignore his texts while he stays home alone all night with the kids? You don’t even have to go out to the bars if you don’t want – plan a girls night of movies and stay there till early in the morning. A little taste of his own actions.