Post # 1
SO and I are in our upper 20s, have been together for 4 years, and have been living together for 1 year. We’re both finished with school and have established careers. We’ve always had a stable, open, and loving relationship, and the discussion of marriage has been something we have discussed openly and at length. We always talked about getting engaged once I had completed my licensure exams related to my field, which will be at the end of May. We started looking at rings a couple months ago.
I know our time is coming, but I am so discouraged by the rude and unkind comments I have received over the past year. I was recently at a birthday and ran into a couple I had not seen for months (we have mutual, but not friends personally). They are engaged after a year of dating and proceeded to give me this condescending lecture on how they are so much more “serious” now that they are engaged and planning their wedding – this comment was not directly thrown at me, but it followed them asking me if my SO and I were “still just dating.” They bride-to-me even made a comment suggesting that I start booking, although “she personally would not do that until she was engaged.”
Over the past year people have made little comments, which I realize aren’t meant to be hurtful, but they still sting; i.e. “You’re married without the titles and priviledges,” “Wow, 4 years is a long time,” “I think if a couple is dating X amount of time without being engaged, it’s tacky,” etc and so forth. I feel like I am constantly having to defend my relationship and its level of committment, which I realize is idiotic seeing as I know that the life my partner and I have created is wonderful. I don’t know if any of you have had to deal with snarky remarks from other people about “still not” being engaged. The comments are starting to get me and I’m not sure how to just let them go.
Post # 2
Some people are judgmental but try not to let it get under your skin. Only you and your partner know what’s right for your relationship.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry bee…that really is difficult. Before my husband and I met I had been with a boyfriend for 6 and a half years and I completely know where you’re coming from…people are nosy and can be rude…and the worst part is that they won’t even notice they’re doing it. OR it isn’t even always that they don’t notice…it can also be that they don’t know how many other dang people will comment on it on a sometimes daily basis.
You just have to be confident in you and your mans relationship. My bigger issue when that was happening to me was that I wasn’t confident in the relationship I was in. I felt like he was telling me what I wanted to hear and didn’t have plans on following through…and unfortunately I was right. But just try and be happy and as long as you know in your heart that the two of you are moving in the right direction…you just have to brush people’s comments aside.
The sooner you can learn to be confident in yourself and your relationship the better because I’ve got to tell you…it doesn’t stop once you’re engaged and married. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and you want to know how many questions and comments we get about future children and when they’re happening??? People just don’t know how to mind there own business I don’t think.
Keep your chin up and don’t let nosy people get you down. 🙂
Post # 4
Thank you so much. you’re completely right, it doesn’t stop, people will always have something to talk about or ask about. I appreciate everything you said – it helps to put my current situation into perspective.
Post # 5
Sorry OP. That is so rude and I don’t buy it that people “don’t realize they’re even doing it.” It’s incredibly invasive and uncalled for. And people know what they are doing. They want to pry and dig into your relationship and it’s none of their fucking business.
I would respond, “well it’s a good thing you’re not in my relationship” or “huh, I don’t remember asking for relationship advice” or “how are my personal affairs any of your business?”
And that’s laughable coming from people who dated after a year. Lol
I think people know they’re being rude and I’d give some of it back to them in a way that reminds them of my boundaries but yet isn’t nasty. People need to STFU when it comes to this stuff. It’s almost as bad as the “when are you having a baby” BS
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Bee you can’t help what people say. Some people just have no filter and don’t relise how hurtful words can be. Just kill them with kindness for example ” Wow four years is along time”….” Why yes it is and it’s been the best four years of my life”…” I think x amount of years without being engaged is tacky”…”There is no timeline on our love for eachother”. It’s how you present yourself that is going to make you look like the bigger person. Misery loves company. You will get you day very soon and that will be one of the most special day’s of your life.
Post # 7
try to just brush it off. I know it’s hard. If it’s random people who you don’t interact with much, basically ignore them and move on with your life. If it’s closer friends or family, you are well within your rights to gently but firmly tell them where to go.
I had a friend who got engaged at about 10 months of dating (they are very religious, not uncommon in that cirlce). She and her now husband did not live together first for religious reasons, and at the time they got engaged, my boyfriend and I had been together for 3 years and living together for longer than than they’d even been dating (eyeroll).
She started up with the ‘now that we’re engaged” bullsh*t, and while I was super excited for her, I was personally not interested in having her “advice” about my relationship from her “engaged point of view”, so after a few times of that happening I had to gently but firmly say to her “you know, I don’t think that advice is really for X and I, since we’ve been together so much longer than you two”. I felt extremely rude saying that, but she wasn’t getting the hint that I don’t think “being engaged” gives you automatic relationship authority, and she did stop and our friendship was better for it.
Your relationship is moving at your pace, no one else’s. Just do your best, being gracious is hard work sometimes.
Post # 8
You know, I have been with my SO for 2 years now, and i too am getting those comments, I can only imagine what you’re going through! I get the whole, “when are you guys getting married” “whens the wedding” etc…it can be an award question to answer bc even though SO and I have been talking about marriage and wedding, theres no set date or official planning as we’ve yet to get engaged. So it can be a really weird spot, so I always make a joke out of it…
but the position you’re in, ppl seem to now be making ‘youve been single together too long’ type of comments..and that bugs me.
Try to come up with a go to phrase for everyone that says that so it stops them right then and there. Like, “it’ll happen, we’re in no rush.” or etc. and just smile and look unamused as you say it so they get that its not like some insecurity of yours that youre not married just yet.
Like a PP said, ppl want something to talk about. Getting married or not married are things to talk about. Just find your go to phrase to skip the redundance of it all 🙂
Post # 9
Im sorry its a bummer. I think part of it is people you don’t know very well grasping at straws for something to small talk about with you. They probably don’t realize how intrusive their questions are. If normally they are very sweet genuine people id let those comments go. You can even just wink at them and say, we will see…. and then immediately ask them about their life. The wink has an air of confidence about it which conveys you aren’t concerned in the slightest about your plans. Changing the subject is a second indicator to that person that you are now moving on in the conversation.
IF you know someone is actually being rude id just call it out. One thing you can say to rude passive agressive comments is, “What do you mean by that, or Sorry im not sure what you mean?” When someone makes a rude underhanded jab comment, or a bad joke at your expense, you ask them to explain and play dumb. They then are forced with a choice, explain in detail how rude and horrible their comment actually was, or be embarassed and back up and say nevermind.
Personally if that couple who was super rude thought it was appropriate to lecture me I would just say something rude back especially if they were just aquainteneces and not friends. When she asked me if we were “Still just dating” I would pause, give her a (are you kidding me) look, and just say, Are we Still just dating? That was unblievably rude. And then walk away from them. Or you could say, Wow that was rude, why don’t you guys come find me when your trying for kids and ill inappropriately ask if your STILL trying for a baby, how does that sound? Then leave.
Post # 10
Your relationship is moving at a sensible pace along a timeline that you both agreed upon for well thought out reasons.
If some random assholes want to tell themselves they’re better or their relationship is more serious than yours because they moved at a different pace, fuck em. What impact, exactly, does their opinion have on your day to day life with your partner?
I know it’s hard to just brush stuff like that off, but you really do need to just not let it get to you. Remind yourself that when people are rude like that, it’s more often a reflection of their own insecurity than anything to do with you. Whether they’re judging your relationship, your career, your body or your possessions, it’s all the same insecure, petty bullshit and it’s not worth your time or energy.
You don’t need to defend your timeline or your pace, but if you feel the need to respond to these kinds of comments, try to keep your response cool and unaffected. Even act a bit confused as to why they are asking or saying what they are, and give the impression that they’re being weird because your relationship and the pace at which it is moving is perfectly reasonable, normal and entirely uninteresting as a topic of gossip lol
Post # 11
Did the couple suggest that they were more serious than you
because they were engaged or that they themselves feel more serious than when they were dating? While the former is rude, the latter is fairly reasonable. Also, you have no obligation to defend your relationship; some introspection may be helpful in understanding your discomfort and the compulsion you are feeling.
Post # 12
You all hit the nail on the head! I am going to be objective and stay focused on what is important at the end of the day and that is the relationship I have with SO. Like you all said, it is rude for people to make comments on my relationship when they have no stake in it – so moving forward, calling out the BS (if needed) and letting it goooo. Thanks for giving me the objectivity I needed.
Post # 13
We took 8 years to get engaged! Whenever anyone made a dig I just told them that we weren’t so insecure as to need a piece of jewellery or a piece of paper to feel settled in our relationship. There’s not really any comeback to that!
Post # 14
Honestly, I’m not sure if they were implying that their relationship was more serious simply because they were engaged, but what threw me off was the tone and condescension of the “still just dating” question right before talking about how “serious” they now are. Hopefully, I’m making sense.
You’re right I don’t need to defend my relationship and the commitment we have, but I do feel hypersensitive from the influx of relationship commentary I’ve gotten this year. Rationally and logically, I know the comments don’t matter, but they have had a bigger impact lately, which makes me feel the need to stand up for my relationship. I think they are hurting me more than ever because my partner and I are ready to take the next step (I’ve expressed how I’ve been feeling, we both have expressed our readiness, we looked at rings/are in the process of designing it), but I need to finish up a few things on my end.
Post # 15
Haha love it! I feel like for so many people getting a ring/engaged is a level of status and that it somehow makes them more settled, like you said. I always wanted us to take our time and establish a strong foundation, and it’s just frustrating when people criticize that or shame that. It’s like there’s no winning either way.