This may be the weirdest problem I've ever had…….

posted 5 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 91
6864 posts
Busy Beekeeper

See, brides, this is what happens when you don’t give your mothers any jobs. They make some up. (Just kidding.)

I barely have the time and energy to worry about whether or not I have shaved my own body hair, I can’t imagine having so much time on my hands that I was worrying about anyone else’s. 

Here’s hoping you receive a reasonable response from the bride and that she’s as horrified by her mother’s rude request as most of us are.

Post # 93
12492 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

ecrisrien :  No matter what her personal opinion may be, your aunt was rude, inappropriate and out of line. Since she’s the bride’s mother, there’s the chance her daughter feels the same way. 

As a PP just said, any time you do something against cultural or regional norms, people will notice, and some may disapprove, hopefully keeping it to themselves. I don’t think the bride will necessarily be honest about her feelings, not if she has any manners, anyway. I would not ask her.

If she says it bothers her, that would be rude. If she says it doesn’t, she may be being polite. What’s the point? 

Post # 96
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

ecrisrien :  Yes, it sounds like the bride would like you to shave, but is being light hearted about it, and at the end of the day isn’t going to let it ruin her day! 

Post # 97
12492 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

ecrisrien :  Not really. She’d love you to shave, knows it’s not her body or her choice, and couldn’t hold back letting you know her preference. That last part was inappropriate, but now you know. 

Post # 98
688 posts
Busy bee

ecrisrien :  To me, that kind of bluntness is much more refreshing than passive-aggressive politeness. Her response told you two things 1) she’s not just being polite. 2) she knows and accepts you for exactly who you are. 

Yeah, it could have been more gently worded, but this kinda sounds like something I’d blunder into saying if I were trying to diffuse an uncomfortable situation with humor, AND let someone know I wasn’t aligned with what my parent said. As a loud introvert, I tend to have some shit March out of my mouth that isn’t always pretty ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚


i would take her at her word and give her the benefit of the doubt that the “tie you down” bit was just a clumsy attempt at humor. 


At least now you can be yourself without having this petty crap messing up what could be a great time! 

Post # 99
1907 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

It’s not fine with her at all, but she knows it’s not her body or choice. And especially after you complained about her mom she’s not going to tell you to get rid of it. 

If you wanted her honest opinion you probably shouldn’t have started with complaints about her nosey mom. And if you didn’t want her honest opinion then it sounds like you were trying to stir drama by mentioning it to her. 

Everybody acknowledges you have the right to grow out hair. Just like you have the right to not brush your hair. You are an adult and able to choose. Doesn’t mean people want to stare at it at a formal event. And no… we wouldn’t be okay with staring at a guy’s hairy armpits at a formal event either. 

If you don’t care about people’s comfort or preferences, that’s fine, but don’t ask then. You seem to just be spoiling for a fight over it. 

Post # 100
6667 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

It clearly ISN’T “fine” with her. She has made it abundantly clear that she wants you to shave, but she knows that she cannot force the issue because it isn’t her body. So she accepts that you aren’t shaving, but she isn’t “fine” with it.

As others have said, I generally don’t like seeing anyone’s body hair, men or women. I don’t want to see a man’s underarm hair, either, but men’s nice or semi-formal clothing prevents that, while women’s doesn’t. But it is none of my business, and I’d never cross a line like the bride’s mother did by confronting someone.

Post # 102
481 posts
Helper bee

I agree that the bride’s comment means she doesn’t like it and would rather not have to look at your armpit hair – at her wedding and probably everywhere else, too – but she knows who you are and accepts it and doesn’t expect you to shave. 

Personally, I’d find a dress with short sleeves.  Men manage to wear clothes that cover their pits at a wedding even if it’s hot outside; it’s much easier for women who can wear very bare dresses even if they have small sleeves.

Post # 103
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

ecrisrien :  I didn’t realize so many people were so offended by the mere appearance of body hair. BO I get, lack of hygiene is gross but not shaving is not a hygiene issue. 

To answer your question, I think glitter would be more comfortable as sequins might be scratchy.

ETA: I’m appalled that it’s somehow more acceptable to be extremely rude and judgmental about something that has absolutely no impact on you whatsoever than to have visible body hair.

Post # 104
3107 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

ecrisrien :  I think it looks hideous and vote for a short sleeve dress.  Of course you do you….

Post # 105
843 posts
Busy bee

I agree with PPs that “fine” with it isn’t really accurate, but it won’t ruin her day and she’s not expecting you to shave. Honestly, you obviously are within your rights to make your own choices about your body, but I work in a fairly liberal workplace and the women who don’t shave wear spaghetti straps and other sleeveless outfits in the workplace way more than anyone else. I don’t really know why you wouldn’t consider an off the shoulder or cap/short sleeved style, which also tend to be more formal feeling than spagthetti straps. 

I think a good comparison is – I had a black tie optional wedding, and one of my friends texted me a few days before like, “My boyfriend only has a light tan suit, is it ok?” and I said something like, “well, most men will likely be in dark suits and I know many are renting tuxes, but it’s up to you”, which basically means “no it’s not really appropriate, but he won’t be kicked out of the wedding and it won’t ruin my day”, whereas if someone said “Hey can I wear my white ballgown” I’d be like, “Absolutely not” because then it would really bother me and ruin my day. 

Basically, does she love it/prefer it? No. But if you show up au natural you woln’t surprise her nor ruin her day. Do whatever you want, but personally, I’d wear a short sleeve style

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