Post # 91
Sassy9226: I have heard from several men that it took MONTHS to bond with their child. It’s just not the same for men. And it doesn’t help that he isn’t as involved with her daily care. Men need to feel needed and right now you are attending to all the baby’s needs (and in the process ignoring his, which is totally understandable, but still makes him feel like a spectator in his own home). Maybe you can help him get more involved, like pumping and letting him do some of the feedings. Or letting him know how important it is for him to take care of you. Something to get more involved.
And if it makes you feel any better, my male friend with a son told me that he “Hated the little F#cker for he first 18 months”. Still took care of him, but didn’t like him at all. But now that he is 4 or 5, he is so 100% totally in love with him.
Post # 92
He helped with her bath last night and got her dressed and ready for the day this morning, he’s just afraid to be alone with her
Post # 93
Well im glad he madre a progress.
I think that him being alone with her is exactly what he needs (maybe just a couple of minutes) so he can bond a little with her.
Post # 94
Sassy9226: I wouldn’t be unbelieveably worried yet- I think a lot of people are scared to be alone with a tiny baby… I know that when my fiance’s cousin had her daughter I was terrified of doing something wrong when I held her. I know there was no point but it was an interesting time. Just be careful and watch his attitude.
Post # 95
Sassy9226: really sorry to hear about this situation…it must be a dark and confusing time for you both.
The part that slightly concerns me is the fact that he wishes she was a boy because he’s afraid of hurting her or being alone with her….but if she was a boy then it would be perfectly acceptable? Apart from having to deal with nappies and cleaning that area, boy and girl babies are exactly the same. Why would it be different if it was a boy?
Post # 96
^He’s associatiing his lack of bonding with the gender. It happens.
Ladies, let this be a lesson to you. Your partners need to be involved from the get-go, even if that requires insistince. You aren’t doing anyone any favors if you keep them at arms length from their own baby. Women need to drop the attitude that they can do it better. It does not inspire confident parenting.
Post # 97
When I had our first daughter, I made her father change her, and bathe her, and hold her. Then we had a boy and it was done without me having to ask. Then we had our second daughter, and he told me then that he had resented the hell out of me for “making” him do all those things with our first daughter, but now was so grateful that I did because it helped him immensely to bond with her, and then knew what it took to bond with the other two kids, regardless of gender. Hang in there, it does get better, and insisting he help out is part of the process. If he doesn’t want to be a “spectator in his own home”- to use another posters words- then he needs to be an active part of it.
Post # 98
Sassy9226: I think the more time he spends with her, the better it will get. I think it is great he doesn’t want to be alone with her right now. I don’t know that, in the state he’s in that he would be able to take care of her, but at least he’s helping. This should have happened from the beginning, but better late than never. Hopefully little by little he starts to warm.
I would reassure him that just because she’s a girl doesn’t mean she can’t do things with her dad. Girls are just as capable of hutning, sports, etc. as boys are.
Post # 99
interchangeable: I don’t like the implication that this is somehow my fault. This last 12 weeks has been extremely hard for everyone involved. Between the hospital stays the surguries and my own struggles with ppd this has been the hardest time of my life. I don’t think his not bonding is because I didn’t let him And I don’t think I know better just because I’m a women
Post # 100
He went and talked to someone today. He has ppd and is going to be seeing someone. Thanks everyone for responding but sadly it’s not as simple as him helping out more with the baby.
Post # 101
Sassy9226: it’s so scary when a loved one is having emotional issues, and here you are struggling with your own adjustment and a new mom. I’m so sorry. if it helps, this too shall pass. Hang in there, glad he’s getting the help he needs.
Post # 102
Sassy9226: I’m so sorry you are going through this. I went through pretty significant depression when my son was a newborn and it wasn’t a traumatic birth and my Darling Husband was very supportive and it was still such a difficult time with breast feeding issues and the total life upheaval. For me it got easier at about 4 months or so.
I’m glad your Darling Husband is getting help and I hope you take care of yourself too. I hope he starts taking a more active role in her life so you can get some much deserved support!
Post # 103
Sassy9226: It’s so great that he is getting help though and that you now know what the problem is. You two will get through this and be much syronger as a result.
Post # 104
Sassy9226: So glad he is getting help–good luck!!!