(Closed) This newlywed thing can be tough!

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@lawschool bride: Our first year was super tough. We were broke with an infant.

Every marriage goes through an adjustment phase whether now or later. I think a lot of it early on is mostly “Wow, this is actually real. I have to answer to this person forever.” So all the stuff you did when you were single (let the dishes pile up, leaving takeout containers on the counter, hogging the bathroom) are now pissing someone else off. But after awhile you get into a groove. One person showers earlier than they used to, the other starts doing more dishes, and then before you know it you’re having coffee at the kitchen table and writing your grocery list together. It just takes time. So don’t panic!

Post # 4
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@lawschool bride: Yeah, living together is a whole different ballgame, no matter how much time you spent together beforehand. When Darling Husband and I moved in together 6 years ago, the first few months invovled a LOT of bickering, mostly over housework. 

We ended up actually setting up a chart for frequent chores like dishes, counters, trash, etc. We mark our initial down when we’ve completed the chore, so there’s no longer ever a reason to fight over whose turn it is.  It can sound kind of college-roommate-esque, but it works really well for us and we hardly ever squabble about it anymore.

 

Post # 5
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think it’s the first year of living together that’s the hardest, not the first year of marriage. There are lots of adjustments to be made when you suddenly share a home. Thanks goodness we moved in together a couple of years before we got married, and boy was that tough!

Almost 5 months married now and marriage has been a breeze so far.

I know this is cliche, but you need to pick your battles. You need to learn to let some things go. Compromise. Communicate non-accusingly.  And try your best to be nice to each other, even if at the moment it feels like the other person doesn’t deserve it.

Post # 6
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

we’re not married yet but have just moved in together 6 weeks ago. There are silly things we argued abt initially, like me leaving my clothes all over the house and him leaving dog food tins in the sink. But after the initial patch of bickering, we made an effort to stop doing those annoying things and have just gotten on with life. You just settle into a groove after a little while.

Another thing I keep reminding myself is to not pick on the little things. I’m worried that it’ll turn into a habit and we’ll get resentful of each other over time.

Post # 7
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

We lived together before marraige, and I was soooooo glad b/c of what you said. It’s hard to live with someone at first! 2 weeks after we moved in together we almost broke up. Luckily we worked it out though, for us our issue was lack of communication. Once we discussed that and figured things out, things have gone pretty smoothly.

Post # 8
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@apriljo2011 – we were writing our posts at the same time and said the same thing 🙂 my worry is that I won’t pick my battles and keep picking on the little things.

Post # 9
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@winerygirl: Great minds think alike. 🙂

I’m big on picking on the little things, and also on bringing past issues back up.  It was a learning experience to not do that anymore, and it was hard! It was especially hard to realize that we weren’t just fighting because he was doing stupid things (in my mind), but that I was also making things worse by the way I brought them up.

It was so worth it, though, to take a hard, honest look at my own behavior and give myself some tough love.  I stopped bickering so much about everything, and in return, Darling Husband made an actual effort not to do the things that bothered me.

Post # 10
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

Sometimes I think you just need to have those little fights and move on. When we first started living together, we had stupid arguments too. However, part of it is about being compatable as well. If one of you is a neat freak and the other a slob you prob won’t be happy living togethere until someone changes their outlook. Eventually we had several discussions about small issues and fighting over small things (I am so bad at the pick your battles thing) and worked through these issues by talking it out. Now we still have stupid fights but much less often and usually we get over them more quickly.

Post # 11
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

We’re not married yet, but we definitely went through an adjustment when we moved in together last year. There was another post on here the other day about whether people who spend tons of time together “practically live together” or if it’s totally different when you move in. I think that no matter how much time you spend together before cohabitation, you can’t necessarily prepare yourself for being around that person 100% and having to deal with all of the less romantic stuff like bad habits, cleaning, cooking, and dividing the chores. 

I definitely think you need to make a conscious effort to pick your battles. I try to pick a few things that are really important to me and to compromise on some things that annoy me but aren’t unbearable.

Post # 12
Member
843 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I haven’t had this issue, but we lived together first.  I don’t care how much time you spend with a person, until you live with them you never truly know them.  My Darling Husband and I were together 1.5 years before we moved in together.  Those first few months were rough.  As an introvert I hated not having a place to escape and re-energize.  We had to learn how to live with each other.  It was tough.

But through communication and time we were able to understand each other better and read each other better.  I know when he’s in a bad mood and to leave him alone and vice versa.  You’ll get through it if you communicate and let the other know what you need and let him tell you what he needs.

Post # 13
Member
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

In a strange way, what worked for us was the 5 love languages book because it turns out that I’m an “acts of service” girl – as in when he empties the dishwasher and cleans the toilets, it means more to me than if he brings me flowers. I think when we learned that, he understood why a dirty countertop irritates me so much.

Does he clean all the time? No, but he definitely helps out, especially when I let him choose the time. For example, on Friday I’ll say “can you do x, y and z sometime before noon on Sunday?” He gets to pick when he feels like doing it, and I know that it will be done by noon on Sunday.

Post # 14
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Darling Husband and I didn’t live together before the I DO’s but did spend most of our time together as well… ie. DS would stay the night with him on Saturdays and then Sunday morning I’d come over and we’d all get ready for church… <– this pretty much got us through what KatyElle mentions in the not hogging the bathroom and getting a niche of getting ready for things.

Really just like KatyElle said, it’s just about getting into your own groove of things and it takes time for everyone. I’ve known LOTS of people that lived together pre-marriage and then had the same issues b/c of the “whoa.. this is now forever” thing and then others that didn’t that really didn’t have that at all.. Pick your battles and do your best to communicate productively to actually fix the issue and not just inflame it more, always do your part regardless of him doing his at the moment, and just know that this stage isn’t forever and if done right will just grow your intimacy together =)

Post # 15
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

We went through this. My advice is sit down and talk to each other about what is bothering you. We argued a lot over who was doing more around the house so we ended up sitting down, discussing how we felt, and then divided up chores.  It’s important to keep an open line of communication and don’t let anger bottle up. It WILL get easier!

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