(Closed) This question is for everyone who has been cheated on ………….

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
268 posts
Helper bee

For me, what keeps me in the present is, like you said, knowing that if I ever was cheated on again, I would be OK.  I’ve survived it once, and I can survive it again, so there’s not some terror of “what if” constantly hanging over me, because I know exactly what will happen if “what if” becomes a reality.

I also keep myself sane by remembering that my identity does not depend on the person I’m with, and that sometimes people do grow apare.  Do I love my fi dearly? Yes.  Do I WANT to spend the rest of my life with him? Yes.  But these are my thoughts and feelings right now, and I realize that they may change for either of us in the future.  Does this mean we’re bad people, or we’re doomed to fail?  I don’t think so.  It just means that if we ever fall out of love, we agree that everyone deserved a second chance, and would find a way to keep moving forward.

It’s definitely not the popular view, and definitely a view that’s scary for most, but in the end, life nearly always works out.  And when it doesn’t?  You’ll survive that too!

Post # 3
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
warmsoul1101:  I’m sorry to hear about your past. I, too, was cheated on in the relationship prior to DH. it was a huge blow to my self-esteem and really effed with my trust in people in general. What worked for me was to focus really hard on the people in my life that stood by their words. I also worked out a lot to take the edge off of my anxiety. When I met DH (2 years later) I told him briefly about the past. He was willing to reassure me, everytime, that I was his one and only. It took a long time to actually believe him, not because of how he acted (he is seriously the best!) but because of where my mind defaulted due to the last douche. 

DH is so patient and has brought me back to the fun, happy, confident woman that was a bit lost a few years ago. He has never given me a reason to question him. 

Post # 4
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I have been cheated on in the past – more than once!  It sure does hurt your self esteem!  I had a series of bad relationships because I dragged the fear of betrayal into each one and had trouble being vulnerable and getting close to people.  To be honest, even being engaged now, I still have to make a conscious effort to work on my fears.  I think a willingness to trust again, even when it is extremely tough, is the best way to heal.

Post # 5
Member
3088 posts
Sugar bee

If he didn’t cheat on you,it would have been the other girl he was with.Cheaters have nothing to do with you.It’s a character flaw.Stop internalizing it. All we can do is make better choices in partners.

Post # 6
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

I think most people have been cheated on and I feel like it’s just a sucky part of life. Yeah it hurts but for me I move on rather quickly. When my ex cheated on me the first time I forgave him but when I found out he cheated again I broke up with him and while it hurt I felt relieved. What hurt the most was to find out about all the people I thought were my friends who knew about hime cheating. For me that was the most hurtful. I have also been cheated on by another ex but I didn’t really love him so I didn’t really care I broke up with him for other reason not because he cheated( I found out about that after we broke up). So I know it hurts but you can’t let someone else’s actions determine your out Look on life. What I found to be very helpful was to talk to these exes after a peorid of time went by. The guy I was in love with that cheated he contacted me on Facebook and he apologized to me for everything he had done and I forgave him 100%. I think it is important to forgive because that is your key to moving on. If you don’t forgive then you carry this pain around and it doesnt help you move on.

Post # 7
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

I find it helpful to remind myself that I have no control.  I know that sounds counterintuitive, but it helps me to acknowledge that nothing I do, good or bad, can cause something to happen or prevent it from happening.  So I can’t stop it, and it’s not my fault.  So sitting around stressing about it is no more helpful than doing something I enjoy or something productive.

Post # 8
Member
1978 posts
Buzzing bee

In my case, I just decided that I could trust my intuition. With my ex, who cheated on me with more than a dozen women, I always had this nagging, uneasy, distrusting feeling. But I didn’t really know to question it and just doubted myself.

When I found my FH not that long after I broke up with my ex, I told myself if I felt even the smallest hint of similar feelings, that I’d end the relationship. I didn’t “look” for triggers, but I also made myself keenly aware of how I felt at each of our dates, in each of our conversations. And I never once did feel anything but honesty from him, and sureness in myself. I completely, completely trust him. It is the best feeling in the world.

Post # 9
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

When my ex fiance cheated on me, I felt like it was my fault, and if I had done this or that he wouldn’t have cheated.  I learned that his cheating had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him.  It wasn’t any character flaw of mine that led to him cheating – it was his.

Post # 10
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Like PP have said: 

1) Trust my intuition. It told me before and I ignored it. Now I listen.

2) Trust that I will survive it if it happens again. I survived it before, I can survive it again. 

3) Love myself more. As much as I love DH, I have to love myself more. My identity can’t be wrapped up in him. If he leaves me, I’ll survive because I still love me.

Post # 11
Member
4207 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

I recently left my husband because I found out he had been cheating on me the whole 7 years we were together. I had actaully caught him texting or emailing someone he shouldnt have been a couple of times, but he’s a lair and a manipulator and I believed what he told me because I trusted him. What helps me is knowing that I did nothing wrong, I didnt cause him to cheat, the only person who can control what he did was him.  I’m thankful I found out when I did, while I’m still young enough to start over and find someone to build a life with. My trust is not shaken because I will just be more careful going forward. I will ask the questions I didnt ask before. I will give my partner privacy, but when privacy turns into secrecy, I wil walk away. I survived and came out stronger, smarter and classy. And i will again if it were to happen again. Looking on the bright side and being excited about what’s to come is most helpful for me. 

Post # 12
Member
9519 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I was the “other woman” once although I didn’t know it. They dated for a few years and he told me they broke up. He had a long distance girlfriend, I was supposed to be a summer fling but then we moved in together. It was a shock for her, and myself. I take that more of a reflection on him than me. He is a jerk, and many other stronger words. I felt betrayed but it did not affect the next guy I dated. 

 

Post # 14
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

I just assumed it was nothing to do with me and that he would have cheated anyway!

 

Post # 15
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
warmsoul1101:  I know exactly what you’re talking about! I do know that I will be totally fine if something were to ever happen again since I survived it once. However, my Fiance has also been cheated on so we have had many talks about cheating and we both know how it feels to be the one having been hurt and, as awful as it is, that helps me a ton. Since we have both been there, I have confidence in knowing that he will never do it to me. 

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