(Closed) This shouldn’t bug me, but it does…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think I’d be upset too.  Its not even an issue of insecurity or distrust, but more so about respect for your relationship.  But, there really isn’t much recourse past what you’ve done.  If you’ve told him you’re uncomfortable with the continuing the relationship, I’d leave it alone.  You don’t want this to be a reoccuring issue. 

Post # 4
Member
2205 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it’s legitimate to be a little upset about this…I would be!

I think the fact that he was honest about it means he doesn’t have feelings for her.You just need to work through and decide whether it’s a big deal that needs to be worked through.  At the least you should agree on boundaries for both of you with the opposite sex now that you’re engaged.

then you should try to let it go…the feelings will likely gradually go away, and it’s not healthy to be bitter about something that happened in the past.

But I understand this is a difficult thing and it’s legitimate to be a little bit bothered!

 

Post # 5
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I’d definitely be upset too, but just try to keep in mind that it’s in the past and you can’t change it now. I would talk to him about how it makes you feel and let him know that you’re uncomfortable with him contacting her. I don’t think you should necessarily say he “can’t” contact her, because that may upset him and he may see that as you trying to control him.

Just be honest with him about your feelings and hopefully he’ll understand and agree to distance himself from her.

Post # 6
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

I don’t have any advice because I’d be angry, too, and I’d feel like I was being irrational about my anger (which it sounds like you also feel, based on the title of this thread). So I don’t know if the anger is irrational or not, but you’re far from the only one who would feel that way. Whether this girl is a legitimate threat or not, he just put her in the threatening category by telling you that.

Post # 7
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I would be upset also.  I don’t know what to say because I think that I would lose my mind!  **Thinking strong thoughts for you!**

Post # 8
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Yes, you feel that you should not be upset, but you are…that’s ok ๐Ÿ™‚  Take a deep breath.  What’s making you feel upset?  Have you felt this way before?  What were the reasons?  Men can have platonic relationships with women, regardless of whether or not said women have walked over and laid on top of them (a little odd, but it was probably just attention seeking).  Take some time to think about what it making you upset in this situation.  Allow yourself to be upset for a few minutes, then take a step back and think about it.  Most importantly, talk to him about it.  Openly, without judgement.  It sounds like he loves you dearly, despite keeping up a friendship with this woman, but it may help to get some more information on why they are friends and the nature of their friendship.  It can be very upsetting to find out something like this, but if it is upsetting you, it is best to calmly collect the information you need to really figure out how you feel about the situation.  Then proceed accodingly.  Good luck, I’m sure it will be fine ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

How strange! I’d never go lay on someone’s man! However, I went to a school where I saw this happen a lot–women just wanting attention and being promiscuous and ridiculous drunky types….guys are typically not okay with this behavior, but for some reason have issues just saying, “drunk bia, get off me!” But yeah, I’d be ticked too!

Post # 10
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’d be pretty upset, too.  It happened to me before.  I always wonder how HARD is it for the guy to just push the girl away and say “stop it”.  I’d be annoyed with her lack of respect of your relationship: seek attention else where! ๐Ÿ˜› But I agree with pp that at this point, it is in the past and just focus on what you have now.  Make sure that girl doesn’t circle around your SO too much. ๐Ÿ˜›

Post # 11
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Honestly I’m not sure why you’re upset about the fact some random girl who was probably drunk laid on top of him before you were even dating. To me that’s not a big deal. 

However, I can understand not wanting your significant other whom you are now obviously in a serious relationship with to be receiving texts and whatever from another female. That’s not ok, and the fact that she’s the same skank who once laid on top of him only serves to reinforce how inappropriate this is. 

Post # 12
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I think this would bug me too.  I agree with PP though, that you should let your FH know that you are uncomfortable with further contact with this girl and try to work through your feelings so there isn’t any resentment later on.

Post # 13
Member
7386 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’d be upset.  He needs to stop contact with her.

Post # 14
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you do.

But I want to offer a different perspective.  I would not be upset. 

Partly that’s because I’ve been part of groups where we all laid about in puppy piles.  I might be laying on five different people at once with someone’s head on me but trust me I wasn’t romantically interested in anyone except one person.  It’s just the human contact that feels good in safe situations.  People have very different relationships to human touch and when it is appropriate to hug someone and what it means.  That’s also true for something like laying on someone. 

So I guess I’m saying she might not have meant anything by it, might have forgotten it ever happened (probably didn’t know the two of you were dating) and there’s a good change their friendship is entirely innocent. 

Post # 15
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I might be upset a bit as well…though also realizing I shouldn’t be since he didn’t do anything wrong. 

But I think it’s out of line for you to ban him from any contact with her.  Being in a relationship doesn’t exclude someone from friendships with the opposite sex and having an odd (though not necessarily inappropriate) encounter that he didn’t even initiate with a female friend  before the two of you were even dating, doesn’t violate any sort of trust.

I think it is reasonable for you to make your discomfort known to your Fiance and work WITH him to figure out a way for you both to be happy and comfortable with any friendship he has with her, but to ban him any contact is being controlling.  (If there was any inappropriate relationship between them when you were a couple, then a cease of contact would be warranted).

Post # 16
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

She appears to be a desperate attention seeking flirt.  One of those that just throws herself (literally) on men.  I would put this behind you but insist he stop contact with her. She clearly has no respect for your relationship and who knows what else she may do in desperation.

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