- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2013
I really hope someone can take the time to read this and help me………..
I am 30 and lived with my fiance. I am now married about 9 months. My mother and I have always been pretty close. We would talk on the phone daily.
When I got engaged, she/father offered to pay. All in all, I believe it came to about $8,000.
During the wedding process, she was very involved. I was not a bridezilla, I was very easy going. I bought a used wedding dress from a used-store. I sought a lower-priced venue, negotiated with all vendors to get best pricing., etc , and paid for small things to offset their costs.
My mom, in my opinion, was a MOB-zilla. She was upset the bridesmaid dresses were the same color as her dress ( although I told her red for months), during the seating arrangements we made about 50 changes( ie. these people can;t sit together,she didn’t want to sit by children, she wanted specific friends to not be near coworkers, she wanted her embarrassing friends put at MY friends tables….) I obliged without objection. In the end, to fit all table requests, I ended up not having real “Groomsmen” and “bridesmaids” tables.
Well, about 2 weeks before my wedding, I got an e-mail from her stating that she was upset my fiance’s family was in the limo because she felt it should be private for her and her parents. ( even thought she agreed months in advance who was in the limo). She also stated that I was favoring my fiance’s family because I “moved HER tables around endlessy” and “his family’s tables weren’t affected at all”.
SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED ALL THE CHANGES. HIS FAMILY HAD NO SPECIAL REQUESTS!
Also, she had a problem that his family was “taking up 2 and 1/2 table” and that I should have limited his family more.
We had a total of 10 tables. His family only took 2.5 tables. How much more could I have limited him? It’s his wedding too!
I also got texts from my sister (18) that my mom was badmouthing me. Saying that she wanted to cancel my mother-in-law’s hotel room and other nasty stuff like that. But this wasn’t said to me personally, I was just told by my sister. I never mentioned it to my mother althought I was livid.
Well, come rehearsal dinner, she didn’t even speak to me. My sister ( 18) text me the entire time telling me what my mother was saying under her breath all night. She apparently thought our rehearsal dinner, throw by my fiance’s family, was super cheap and tacky.
Later that night, I was also told my mother was in her hotel room, crying her eyes out to my family ( that werent; at the dinner) that I ignored HER all night.
Come wedding day, I maybe spoke 4 words to my mother all night. She had a grand old time all night, but never spoke to me.
So fast forward about a month after wedding.
No one in my family was really contacting me. No one asked about honeymoon, no one “liking” or “commenting” on Facebook photos, etc. Weird!
All of a sudden, I get a bombardment of texts from my step-aunt—That I am ungrateful, I used my mother for money, I’m a bridezilla, I’m a middle schooler with a tantrum, I needed to cut the “shit” that my mother cried constantly and I just ignore her, and I needed to immediately, buy flowers for my mother and go to her and apologize.
I was very polite at first. Just told her I would handle it all myself. As she persisted to be rude, I basically told her it was none of her business, and she hasn’t spoke to her own mother in 10 years, so to not give family advice. I told her my mother hadn’t reached out in months, that it wasn’t a one-way street.
A month later, on my birthday, that same step-aunt mailed me a birthday card— ” Happy birthday to the 3 year old” along with a tiara.
I emailed her. I told her not to be malicious. That I had reached out to my mother by mailing her a birthday card and b-day gifts, and a mothers day card and gifts, sent her links to wedding photos, sent her a hand-written thank you card, but my mom was completely unresponsive with mere one-word answers or thanks”
She responded with : “I was not aware you had any feelings. I guess you cry every day too. You know, like your Mom has since you were married? I’m not convinced you have feelings. People who have feelings don’t hurt children. Your siblings were such cute little props in your wedding photos, on your day to shine.”
Anyway.. I knew immediately why my family was lashing out and ignoring me. My mother was lying to them all about things to make me look bad. I also found out she forwarded all my emails to our family members. I didnt say anything I’m ashamed of, but not sure if she “doctored” the emails.
So I took a photo of the birthday card, and fwded it to my family. I added a note saying that I didn’t want a arguement with my mom to turn into a war. There was no reason for anyone to be malicious, and I hope that everyone can just be civil.
I text another aunt and asked her if she knew why my mother and I were fighting. She said that there was a disagreement about the limo and said that she agreed that my husbands family shouldnt have been in it since they didnt pay for the wedding. I told her that, whether thats her opinion or not is fine, but my mother AGREED to it months in advance and I wasn’t going to unvite them out! She said she believed my mother that she never agreed to it. SO I FOWARDED her the email proving it. Her response was ” well your mother is very busy, she must have forgotten this email, seriously you seem very ungrateful.”
AM I IN CRAZY TOWN??????!
When there was a family BBQ, I declined to go, too much drama and I didn’t want to deal with it yet. So my mother emails my husband!:
“I am glad your whole family has welcomed Kate with open arms. Apparently she has NO need to be part of ours anymore. I am not putting any blame or criticism toward you or your family for this behavior , I just think its disrespectful for 85 yr old mother , I dont even care about how she treats me anymore.”
My husband, politely responded that he would rather stay out of it, but he does know that I reached out to her a few times and that I do care about her.
Fast Forward another month…..
Went to my little sister’s graduation party. Everyone was civil, but everyone avoided me like the plague.
Fast foward another month..
Our family has an annual vacation locally. This year I heard nothing about it , and assumed it was cancelled. THEN I see vacation photos on Facebook! I then get a text from my mother “This is vacation weekend, would love if you and Chris could come”….. UMM.. You invite me last minute after you were all ALREADY down there?!?!??!
I knew she was only inviting me so she could spin the truth and tell the family I was invited but didn’t want to go. I politely just told her that we couldn’t get time off on such short notice, but to have a good time.
Fast forward another couple months.
My grandmother got sick and ended up in hospital. NOONE in family told me! I found out through my little brother ( 15)’s twitter!
A few days later, when g-ma was about to go into surgery, I get a text from my mother. Not even a personal text, just a FORWARDED text from another family member with an update on my grandmothers health.
I lost it.
me: Yes, I know. I wish I would have learned about this sooner. I had to find out through (brothers’s) twitter.
Her: You should have come to vacation! You could have said hello to her . Its only a 30 minute ride for you! Im too upset to fight with you.I only found out about her the day before (brother) posted on twitter.
me: Come to vacation? you invited me after you were all already down there. You had no interest in me being there.
her: I’m not writing back, every word would be FU
her: That was meant for you, but I sent it to Kate by mistake. Oh well, its the truth.
—so immediately I knew she was doing it again, forwarding my texts to family. Who says “F U” to their daughter?!!
I wrote back, ” I got that text you sent about me. what a surprise. gossing and badmouthing you daughter more and more. grow up and act like a mother!
her: Done with u
me: clearly you arent done with me, since all you CONTINUE to do is badmouth me and forward my texts to people.
And that was that.
This situation is eating me alive! My family basically don’t want to talk to me, my mother is being cruel. How am I going to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas??? I don’t want to see people who aren’t talking to me! But If i don’t go, thats more ammunition that I’m a horrible monster.
I need some advice. Am I crazy? Am I wrong.
Don’t feel the need to just agree with me, I would like honest opinions.
Birthday card I mentioned earlier from step-aunt: