- 3 months ago
This could turn into a long post because honestly there is a lot of back story and I will try to summerize the bigger issues.
My husband and I have been together 8 years and married for 4. I was very young when we got married. I was 20 and he was 26. Looking back now I see myself at that time as a baby even just 4 years ago. I’m feeling like I missed/ignored huge red flags even from day one. Before we got married I found out that he cheated on me, hid things (money, smoking cigarettes, etc), jumped from job to job because of better opportunity but they never panned out to what he had thought, lots of anger that lead to us fighting way too often.
We have been to christian marriage counseling and met with our pastors several times over the years and have been going to them a lot recently… This next sentence sounds harsh but…Every time its an issue with him. Now listen, I AM NOT PERFECT. I have my flaws, I’m not super wife at all, but I haven’t had any big issues. I dont lie to him, I dont hide things from him, I haven’t ever even looked at another man in an inappropriate way. I try to talk through arguments like an adult but it ends up being a yelling fight and I eventually shut down because I seriously hate confrontation and frankly just so tired of there always being an argument over something that would be so easy to just talk through and find a compromise.
So there are four big issues I’m dealing with currently and that have been cycles in our relationship.
1.The cheating thing has been a reoccurring issue throughout dating and marriage. Now let me just define cheating in my eyes: flirting with girls, getting provocative pictures from girls, texting girls and using words like gorgeous, baby, and babe, adding girls on social media that have been an issue and we have agreed for him to never have contact with again… All of which has happened at least once in our marriage and some multiple times. More times than I can count he has added the girl he physically cheated on me with on snapchat, facebook, and instagram. Every time I find out I have to have that frustrating conversation that its NOT ok to have any contact with her PERIOD. He apologizes and acts so sorry but then turns around and does it again or I find something a few months later on his phone. Yesterday, I found him texting a friend of ours from church who is single and has issues with wanting love anyway, and calling her babe and baby every message for 3-4 messages straight… why? I consider her a friend and there wasn’t any bad talk except for him begging her to come over to have dinner with all of our friends but he knows that calling another girl baby is a line you don’t cross because we have had this conversation before.
2. Lies…. so many lies. Lies over big things, lies over little things. He has been caught smoking cigarettes more times than I can remember(I tell him every time to come and talk to me about struggling with it rather than me finding out for myself – i want to be a help mate), has stashed away money when we are living paycheck to paycheck or worse and buys guns $1000+, hobby items, tools, garage stuff etc… Then there are little things he chooses to lie about; what time he got out of bed, how many hours he worked, a $20-50 tip he made working… just stupid stuff.
3. Disrespect/arguing has been a signature to our relationship. When we first started dating I was very passive. He got mad, I said sorry and did what he wanted. Marriage came along and I stopped being so passive. I stood up for myself and I didn’t allow him to control my emotions so easily. But the arguing didn’t stop. Now I standup for myself but there comes a point to where I’m just tired of arguing. It’s so emotionally draining. He gets offended very easy and then goes straight to getting mad at me and blaming me for everything. He will help a friend at the drop of a hat but I can’t seem to get that same result no matter how much I need help.
4. And finally the issue that just has set me over the edge…. laziness. For the past two years he’s tried to run a lawn mowing company. Theres no other way of saying it… he does it half ass. I have to Mom him and tell him to get up and work, I have to keep asking him to make a schedule, he would sleep in or take days off during the week and then work all weekend and except me to help him mow while I’m running my own photography business that is a huge success and working another full time job. He maked enough for us to get by in the warm season but it gives us no money for the off seasons. Well last year he got a good job during the off season. Then he got another great job offer and quit his job only to be denied employment for the new job offer because he failed the drug test because he had taken hydrocodone that wasn’t prescribed to him. (Oh did I mention he had a pill addiction that he got over and knows that he isn’t to take any pain medication without me knowing… you guessed it, I didn’t know about the pills he took which in turn caused him to lose out on an actual CAREER). So he picked up the lawn care again and I have been pushing him since August to start finding a stable job. He gave me a lot of empty promises. Well come November no more lawns needed to be mowed and by January we completely depleted our savings account and emergency fund and have over drafted more than once over the last month which I’ve only ever done like once or twice in high school! In October he pressured me into buying a $11,000 car because he PROMISED me he would drive for Uber and sell his big truck right away. I told him I had a bad feeling about it he threw a tantrum then apologized then talked me into it. Mind you his credit is horrible so the house, the cars, the credit cards, everything is in MY name! Well its been 4 months land his truck isn’t sold and he hasn’t worked over 20 hours in a single week. While I’m over here with a full time job making $19,000 a year and carrying our health insurance, a photography company making $30,000 a year and now also Ubering to try to keep everything paid. Then he makes a million excuses as to why he isn’t working.. the most frequently used is “I’m tired.” Tired? IM WORKING 60 HOUR WORK WEEKS AND RUNNING AND MANAGING MYSELF, MY CHILDLIKE HUSBAND, THE HOUSE, AND TRYING TO PLAN HOW WE ARE GOING TO PAY OUR BILLS. IM EXHAUSTED AND HAVEN’T COMPLAINED ABOUT IT!
He has acknowledged all of these points and has given me an apology more than once for each topic. He acts as if he wants to change and be a better husband but it never lasts. I think he does want to be better I really do but I dont know why he can’t control himself and make that change. We fall back into the same cycles. I have such a hard time accepting his apologies anymore and I’m scared that I’m not able to anymore.
As you can see I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt probably one to many times. His family doesn’t know what his problem is, our Pastors are frustrated and wondering why the hours of counseling don’t stick longer than a couple days, and everyone keeps telling me, “you’re right, I don’t know what advice to give you but you’re right.” I have always been the one to reach out for counseling. He always agrees to go and seems to get a lot from it but doesnt apply it. I have read books, I have gotten help, I have changed how I handle situations. I feel like I’m beating a dead horse.
I feel like I’m holding on to the thing I have always known. I feel like I’m afraid to let go because of the years I have invested into this. I’m afraid of being 24 and divorced. I’m afraid of the embarrassment. I’m afraid of the process. I’m afraid that I’m doing the wrong thing.
I’ve never been so terrified before. I’ve never been this close to ever giving up on this marriage. I’m a Christian and have a strong walk with God and never saw myself leaving but I can’t do this. It’s just not fair and it’s exhausting and I’m getting so frustrated that I can’t even be a good wife because I’m tired of making deposits into him without any in return.
If you read this far, thank you. If you have any advice I will openly accept it and need it so badly.
Update: I talked to him about calling that girl baby and babe and he said it was harmless but he was sorry. I asked how many times he thinks I should accept that same apology. I told him that what I dont stand for, I will fall for everytime. I asked when do I say its enough? He started crying and said that I need to move on from him and that he isnt good enough for me. He left the house for now and asked for a week to get his stuff out. I’ll be contacting our pastors about it tomorrow and they will end up calling us in to meet right away. So I dont know what is next. Again I have so much conflict in my head whether to move on or try to fix it again. 🙁