This wait feels selfish

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
5909 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Have you thought about what is important to him? You mention your ideal proposal in your post but have you consider him in all this?

Perhaps it isn’t going to be a massive triggering surprise but rather a quiet thought out romantic proposal. 

Post # 3
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Hugs bee.  I know things will work out in the end.

Post # 4
Member
2429 posts
Buzzing bee

Ready for 50+ years of this OP? If so, go to and good luck!

Post # 5
Member
5019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

It sounds like you both are in agreement with advancing the relationship but perhaps have different views regarding time line or even courtship.

My understanding is you agreed to cohabit prior to marriage under the term that he would propose within 3-6 months, correct?

Is he aware of your walk date?  If not, I strongly encourage you to communicate this to him. It is only fair.

I do feel the proposal should be about the two of you rather than to impress the outside world.  Perhaps he wants it to be special for you too?  As it sounds like a plan is in the works I’d remain patient and positive for now.  Keep focused on other aspects of your life so you aren’t overly consumed or anxious about an impending proposal.  Try to be a little understanding and gracious to allow your boyfriend to pull together his plan.

Post # 6
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Sorry girl, I didn’t even make it past the “wife material audition.” I’m all for living together before marriage, it’s what we’re doing after all, but to phrase it that way? Not a fan.

Assuming that was just a stupid thing to say and he’s actually really great, I think you’ve made the right decision to have a walk date. In regards to the kind of proposal he’s planning, maybe just mention the kind of proposal you’ve envisioned. The perfect proposal is one that makes you feel special and loved, not one that sounds fancy to his buddies.

Post # 7
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee

I’m an old fashioned pearl clutcher to quote some of the Bees, but this is exactly why I advocate NOT living together before marriage, or at the very least a proposal with a wedding date set in stone.

Post # 8
Member
11369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
phillygirl93 :  

Oh, Bee.  If we’ve heard it once, we’ve heard it a kabillion times.  He’s dragging his feet because he has to plan the world’s most spectacular, super-special-surprise proposal, which you don’t want.

Is he given to sweeping romantic gestures?

He made a commitment to propose in 3-6 months and blew it.  Was that not sufficient time to plan the Most Magnificent Proposal the World Has Ever Known?  Grand operas are produced in less time.

You gave him only two years?  In the world of waiting, two years is entirely reasonable.  After two years of courtship, you should have a good idea about marriage.

But, the absolute worst part—he has you auditioning?  WTAF?  What kind of arrogance and male ego did that require?  Do you really want to marry a guy who thinks this way?

Post # 9
Member
11391 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I find his behavior troubling. You moved in based on an agreement that he then broke. 

Now that he’s losing you and losing power, he is interested in talking about this agreement, though he hasn’t acknowledged his failure to live up to his word.

if you marry him, know that once he has you, there will be no way to force him to acknowledge his agreements. So he will make promises and break them unless you plan on leaving every time he does this. That would be difficult to do with kids. 

I would tell him that I did not want a big proposal and that was not in the agreement we had. The agreement was engaged by x time.

that agreement should be your focus. 

Post # 10
Member
2223 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
phillygirl93 :  rather than bringing up the selfishness aspect (because there really is no way to say that without sounding abrasive), you could ask him why he failed to uphold his promise of proposing within 3-6mos of moving in together.

 

That’ll open up some dialogue between you both, where you can then express how you’ve been feeling about the whole situation since then. How it has damaged your trust in him keeping his word, and how you’re not quite sure if you should believe things will be different this time. 

Post # 11
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

So sorry that you are going through this.

Yet another man pulling that “I want to ensure it’s a perfect proposal” card. 

Also, it’s appalling that he thinks it’s ok to “check whether you are wife material”.

It’s good to see that you have a walk-out date in mind. Does he know this?

Post # 15
Member
722 posts
Busy bee

To me your post sounded you are just settling and actually already checked out from this relationship – which I probably would do too if I were you (make proposing plan just to inflate his ego among his friends and against your wish, being told to audition to be his wife (WTF), breaking promise, selfishly determine the course of relationship by forcing you to live together with him even though you don’t want to). Are you really sure you actually still want to get proposal from him? I think that should be the question of this post and for yourself to contemplate.

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