(Closed) This waiting game is driving me bonkers.

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Welcome to the hive! I’m sure that you will find it a great place to get all those feelings out during your waiting process… I know it totally helped me!

I just want to say that I know what’s like to be in your situation. I will be turning 25 soon and have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years (living together for 3). I started to get the marriage itch around the 4 year mark, but he kept telling me he wasn’t ready. At first I was patient, at least he knew he wanted to marry me! As the months dragged on I became a terrible person to be around, I would cry/get angry/etc when things weren’t moving at the pace that I wanted them to.

I also want to say that you and your SO have some awesome communication. You sound like you have found a really great guy who’s worth sticking around for! I think it’s a good thing to be talking about your future together and (for me anyways) having a timeline was very important to keeping sane. If he said 2 years, maybe revisit the subject in another 6 months and see how he feels.

In the meantime, yes… follow Mr.Bee’s plan… it may not lead to a quicker engagement (at least, it didn’t for me), but it helped keep my mind off of staring at e-ring pics for hours on end (yes… I’m way guilty of it!) and feel free to vent away! We know how it feels and we’re here to help you through the process!

Post # 4
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Welcome, Authentic!! πŸ˜€ Wow, we DO have very similar situations. How ironic is that? It sounds like your SO loves you a lot and does geniunely want to marry you one day. It doesn’t sound like he is stringing you along or anything like that. I know how hard it can be when you are so ready for it NOW and the guy, for their weird guy reasons, want to wait. I also know how hard it can be when you get mixed signals from your guy! Like when you said you looked at rings, and your boyfriend asked you to e-mail him the link. One time, I was on this one ring website, and my Boyfriend or Best Friend said I could book mark it on his computer. Talk about getting my hopes up!

That’s funny you mention his mom wanting him to get married even though you thought she didn’t. My boyfriend is also the youngest of three boys, but his two brothers are already married w/kids. A couple years ago when we first got together, my Boyfriend or Best Friend made a joke at a family gathering about getting married, and his mom was like “Oh NO, you are too young to get married!” but I think (hope) now she thinks different, because now my Boyfriend or Best Friend is the age his older brother was when he got married.

I know waiting can be hard and I wish I had advice for you, but it would be like the blind leading the blind! After having a deep heart to heart w /my bf I’ve decided not to broach the subject at all anymore (when I used to bring it up daily and then, like you, feel bad that I was the one always initiating discussions). I know it is hard not having anyone to talk to and this board is a savior! I can’t talk to my mom because she is old fashioned and already thinks I should have broken up w/him because he didn’t “put a ring on it” yet. My friends are either married or single and don’t want to hear me complain about not being married b/c “at least I have a serious BF”.

Although easier said than done, I think Mr Bee’s plan and the focusing more on your life and less on wedding dreams is the best thing to do to get your man to realize he better get a move on πŸ™‚ good luck!!

Post # 5
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Welcome to the Bee! I hope your wait isn’t too long. I’m not sure if I have any advice for keeping my mind off of things. The deadline my boyfriend has set is in the next few months, so I am going nuts. I think about it all the time, but I really need to not bring it up! 

It seems like your guy is thinking about things, so hopefully you won’t have too long of a wait!

Post # 6
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

what is it with the 4 year mark? To me, that is SUCH a long time to be with someone and not be engaged yet! My boyfriend and I are approaching our 4 year anniversary next week, been living together for 3 of those. For us, it’s financial reasons mainly, but its still frustrating.  Anyways, welcome! These boards are lovely for girls like us, and even though I have lots of friends I can vent to (all of whom wonder why the heck is taking he is waiting so damn long!), its still nice to know other people are in the same situation.

Post # 7
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I agree with the other Bees, it sounds like you have good communication with your Boyfriend or Best Friend and this is EXACTLY the time for Mr Bee’s plan.  Maybe resolve not to talk about anything marriage/engagement related for 3 months. If he says something, just smile at him.  Don’t take the bait πŸ˜‰  Get busy. They say men fall with a woman when she is absent, but women fall in love when a man is present. That’s why Mr B’s plan works.

This board really is a savior!  This is my experience and I hope it happens for you too: as I was able to vent and work through my stuff here on the boards, and saw that there were a lot of women in my shoes (or can at least sympathize and listen), I began to feel some relief from the craziness. 

It’s not always the “blind leading the blind”, there are married and engaged Bees who stop by and give their support as well.  In the end, no matter who’s here you at least know you have somewhere safe to go regarding this sticky subject….

 

Post # 8
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Oh yeah, driving me batty too!  He had told me he saw getting engaged after 2 years, then someone else asked, and he said 3-5 years down the road before he even decides!  Then we had the conversations where I pointed out I have 7 years left where I can safely have a baby, and waiting 5 years to get engaged means we aren’t having kids – and he wants multiples.  We then agreed he would propose within the year, or we’d go our separate ways.  

Now he’s just driving me nuts.  Referring to me in future plans as his girlfriend, referring to my brother as his future brother-in-law, being shocked when someone asks when we’re going to get married, talking about how we’re going to raise kids (serious talks, not his Mozart vs Metallica baby music experiments)…  

Post # 10
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Welcome! I’m new here too. Can’t wait for your update!

Post # 11
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

Well, you are definitely in the right place!! I feel the EXACT same as you–everything you are saying sounds just like my situation.  I feel the same about when I bring it up and then I feel bad. And about all of my friends being engaged/married.  Even the non-engaged ones seem closer than me to their ring (and I have been dating my Boyfriend or Best Friend longer than most of them!). In fact, one of the few ppl I could talk to really openly about all of this JUST got engaged this past weekend, and since then it’s like she doesn’t want to listen to anything I have to say at all, it’s just about her plans now.  I understand it is exciting for her, but I still want her friendship, which includes hearing me out!

My suggestions, as I have found Mr. Bee agrees with, are just to keep busy and make yourself happy. I feel like once you, yourself, are happy, the boy will see that and be more attracted to you because you are acting like the girl he fell in love with, and that will be more of an encouragement to ask you.  I am trying to take my own advice and have recently gotten involved in more things, and if nothing else, it has kept me distracted from NOT having the ring yet! (and wanting to plan, plan, plan!)

@maggierose: my Boyfriend or Best Friend is also the youngest of 3 boys, both older ones are married w/ kids. I think his mom is trying to hold onto him a little bit, too, but thankfully sometimes that just annoys him and makes him want to move out/get on with his life even sooner!

@Krises: Yeah, even though starting at about 6 months I knew he was the one, once we got to 4 years that’s when i really started to freak out and actually let him know my thoughts on marriage.  I feel like at 3 years people are like, “Cool, you made it to 3, that’s awesome!” but at 4 years people are like, “So why aren’t you married yet???”

Post # 12
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@maggierose: @yellowlinedpage:

My Boyfriend or Best Friend is the youngest of 3 boys too! And the others are married with multiple kids. I think his mom is ready for him to find someone…she’s not impatient though. In a way you think this would make our guys move a bit faster, but I think it does the opposite. They’re the “baby” and the brothers are “older”, so weddings/kids becomes something you do when you’re “old”.  That’s my mini-psychoanalysis on the youngest brother syndrome…..

Post # 13
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@DreamingBee:I think you are soooo right about younger brother syndrome. My Boyfriend or Best Friend occasionally makes comments about how finances are tight for this or that brother bc of buying stuff for the kids or bc of other “family obligations” and I definitely think the whole marriage and kids thing seems like something you do when you are “old”. 

I also agree with the other comment that sometimes the mom tries to hang on to the baby the most……I was surprised his mom was fine with us living together before marriage (she is very Catholic and traditional) which is why I thought maybe she was letting go of the grip a little….she still calls him like every other day though just to check in!

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