(Closed) This whole concept is bullshit and it makes me angry.

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
4173 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@musician32992:  Yikes!  I’m sorry you feel so powerless, but you really arent.  Its a two way street and if you want a commitment sooner rather than later, you’re certainly allowed to let him know.  I told Mr. 99 that I was done playing house, that I was finished with boys that never wanted to grow up and if wanted to be with me, that meant we were going to get married, which meant a ring on my finger before any of his shit was permanently located in MY house….worked like a charm…we were married nine months after I met him.

Post # 18
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@musician32992:  It’s your choice to sit by idly and wait for him to be ready. People cannot take power in a relationship, we give it to them.

Post # 19
Member
6317 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Totally agree with you. I say this all the time. I’m traditional in many ways, but the idea that getting married could truly be a surprise shocks me. My Fiance and I talked marriage from day 1, picked a ring together when we were ready.. and that’s that.

I hassled my ex about marriage a lot, and the ball was in his court… that was not good. Thank god we are no longer together!!

Post # 20
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To @musician32992:  I hear you… but I have to agree with the other Bees… it is YOUR Choice on how much you are willing to put up with in this regard… you can tell him your LIFE PLAN and TIMELINE and you hear his… then you accept it or you don’t.

You don’t have to be all dramatic, you can just as easily say.  That is all fine & good, but I don’t need a Mega Rock, a BIG Wedding, $ 20 K in the Bank, and a House… I just need you.

IMO, if you guys are living together (are you ?) the whole waiting for a Proposal thing is kind of crazy once you BOTH KNOW you want to marry.  You ALREADY are a couple… you are already on your way to having a life together… it is what you have / do each.and.every.day

I wouldn’t take NO in that circumstance.  I’d move out.

Now if you are waiting cause he genuinely has to save up money, cause a girl wouldn’t be happy without a Mega Rock, a BIG Wedding, $ 20 K in the Bank, and a House… then it is on BOTH of them, and she shouldn’t be crying in her corn flakes cause he hasn’t gotten it all together in a faster manner (well unless he’s been purposely wasting money… and her time)

— — —

On the other hand, you said:

I’m not saying it’s taking away the equality of women. I’m saying that we do everything else equally, why is this the one decision he gets to hold over my head?

In reality this sttatement isn’t true.

There was a saying when I was in College… that still holds true today.

A Man Decides WHEN and WHO he chooses to marry… and a girl cannot really do a damn thing about it.

A Woman Decides WHO and WHEN she plans to bed, and make the Father of her children… and a man cannot really do a damn thing about it (her body, her choice)

So there truly is “frustration” on both sides of the equation… just a different type of frustration / equality.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 21
Member
955 posts
Busy bee

@musician32992:  My thing is is why can’t they be ready before us?! Would make things so much easier!

Post # 22
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@musician32992:  Exactly. One of the best compromises we made after the initial decision that we were both on board to get married was to set a timeline. I know he wants to do some dramatic proposal so, in an effort to not take that away from him, I’m trying to shut up. We agreed together to be engaged by March. That way I can plan and organize Laughingand let him do whatever he wants for proposal.

Post # 23
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee

@musician32992:  Yes fellow waiting bee, I have felt like this TOO.

I was REALLY feeling your level of anger/anxiety/stress about 2-3 years ago.  I knew that I wanted to settle down with my SO…and he was simply not at a place to do so yet.

Have you read “How To Handle The Waiting Period” sticky yet?  There are tools in there that could help you through this.

Also…..it’s not waiting when you know you are going to be getting married, it’s two adults working towards a common goal.

Good Luck!

Post # 24
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@musician32992:  I totally 100% get how you feel! Before I got engaged, I was sooooo angry that it was up to him. I know that it was up to me how long I waited and to have the conversations with him yadda yadda yadda, but I got seriously bitter about this! I was ready damnit so why did I have to wait for him?? BUT – when he finally did it, I didn’t care about that anymore Smile Completely normal feeling sweetie

Post # 25
Member
844 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I disagree that men hold 100% of the power. It’s like every other decision made together…either you both agree or you don’t. If you don’t, it doesn’t mean you have to sit there and wait. Be assertive! If you’re already living together and doing everything a married couple would, it may be more difficult to extricate yourself but at the same time more convincing. 

The way I see it, either he wants to marry you or he doesn’t. Simple.

Post # 26
Member
2024 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@musician32992:  I get what you’re saying.  It’s hard to know if you’re on the same page without “scaring them off” sometimes.  It’s an important conversation to have though, especially if you’re living arrangements and finances are already intertwined.  I think it’s kind of scary that some women leave a marriage proposal up to the men but are willing to co-sign for real estate, cars, utilities, etc. without any sort of legal commitment.  It may have been old-fashioned of our mothers/grandmothers to say “they won’t buy the cow if they get the milk for free” but there is actually a grain of truth to that. 

The irony is that, after all that waiting for him to take action is over, you’re supposed to make your decisions together as a unit, from where to live to how much to spend on food.  Why should whether you get married be just up to him?

Post # 27
Member
5360 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Nona99:  +1

View original reply
@This Time Round:  what? Of course we have a choice in who we marry. that saying from college seems to insinuate all we are in control of is out vaginas. That’s insane. 

View original reply
@musician32992:  I don’t know what your relationship is like but it worried me that you feel so Helpless. You totally have control. You could, as you mentioned, propose to him. You could state you don’t want a ring or help buy it. You could give him a timeline. What you’re really saying is you want a traditional, surprise proposal with a ring he purchased on his own without you  having to tell him what to do. Unfortunately, all that tradition comes from a time before women had much power. So decide what’s more important to you- having more control or having the traditional ideal. Either is fine. 

Post # 28
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@VikingPrincess: you said,

My thing is is why can’t they be ready before us?!  Would make things so much easier!

Lol, because they have no idea that THEY NEED US.

They are like little boys… they want their cake & candy too (or was that “Candy” & “Peaches”)

Anyhow, most guys take a lot longer to grow up, because they could go on “dating” women who LET THEM MISBEHAVE without any accountability forever.

It is only when they meet a Quality Woman… that they begin to SEE that there is more to life than the Bar Scene with their buddies drinking beers and picking up chicks

It takes an AMAZING WOMAN to turn their heads and make them think that they might want to get serious with JUST ONE WOMAN

Where this all goes off the rails, is too often us gals don’t SEE what the Men SEE when they first meet us… that we are indeed AMAZING WOMEN

So if we are AMAZING WOMEN then we need to act like that.  When you make a guy accountable for his actions so he can be YOUR GUY… and in turn YOU WILL BE HIS WOMAN (men get off on the ego of being with an AMAZING WOMAN and showing her off to his friends)*

All is right in the world.

When we stop realizing that we ARE AMAZING WOMEN (and if he won’t want you, some other guy surely will)

That is when we give away OUR POWER

Hope this helps,

* Men care about how they are perceived in the world… the Title they have – the Career they have – the Money they make – and the Woman / Family that they make

They want a Woman / Family they can be proud of.  A Woman who KNOWS HERSELF – IS SELF CONFIDENT is the woman they want.  They don’t want a doormat.  They don’t respect a doormat.  You convince a guy you are an AMAZING QUALITY WOMAN… and he ain’t gonna want to lose you.

And the big surprise Ladies… this isn’t “Auditioning for the Role of Wife”… this is being the woman you NOW ARE IN LIFE

You don’t have TO DO anything extra… you just have to get up off the floor and STAND UP for yourself.

— — —

Anyhow for more inspiration… here are some GREAT Steve Harvey Quotes:

http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/206062.Steve_Harvey

 

Post # 29
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

@musician32992:  I totally get you! I suffered like this for about 3 months, from september to december (when he proposed). I was ready to buy a new car, which would mean spending a lot of my savings, so we looked at cars etc, then I sat down with him and just said hey so if I’m buying this car this means a lot of my savings will go, should I buy the car now or maybe wait (like if we’re getting married) and he said mmmm I think you better wait. Then I became really anxious for 3 months and I decided he had until January 1st 2013 until I brought up the conversation again….. He proposed 5 min to 12 on new years eve 😀 

I think you absolutely have the right to chat with him and get things moving along, it’s your life too..!

Post # 30
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To @MexiPino: It is one of those crazy sayings… there is a “grain” of truth if you want to believe it to be true.  Otherwise it is BS.

Which is EXACTLY what some of us are saying here to the OP.

Her man has THE POWER, because she perceives it to be true… and BECAUSE she has GIVEN IT TO HIM by not being actively part of the discussion / and the process

So with the saying… it goes both ways.

One could say the man has the power cause the woman has not stepped up to the plate in regards to what she needs (an action or out)… she is just bemoaning the current situation

And for the other half of the metaphor

One could say that the woman has the power cause the man has not stepped up to the plate in regards to what he needs (an action or out)… he is just bemoaning the current situation

In reality the power lies with both of them… and none of them.  Because the true power lies within them being a couple, not being individuals.

You cannot get married as a solo… you cannot make a baby as a solo.

Altho to an outsider it might appear that the Man has more power in one circumstance, and the woman more power in the other.

Make sense ?

 

Post # 31
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2000

Just another perspective; the notion of “either the woman proposes or the man proposes” (assuming a hetero relationship for the purposes of the example) is a false dichomoty.

Plenty of adults don’t have proposals. Period. My husband and I had an on-going discussion and came to a mutual agreement. It was not a moment, or an event, or an alchemical instant we both magically exited as finaces. We decided marriage was for us and so we got married. This happened over time. (We’re not outliers in our social circle, for what it’s worth).

Rather than wondering why women can’t propose (they can), from another angle, wonder why propose at all? It’s not actually required. This is not to say you shouldn’t want it. I understand it is very important to many people, and that’s totally valid. But it’s kind of relationship gravy. Very cool, but ultimately nonessential. It’s the pact you make together, not the isolated moment. I hope you’re able to convey to him what you feel you need in this regard, because I know my personal experience isn’t for everyone. We got what we wanted and you deserve to too!

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