Post # 1
Oy… Last year on our two year anniversary I asked the bf where he saw us in two years, and while he didn’t give a straight answer (he’s not the best with thinking of things in the future in a concrete manner) when I said I expected to be planning a wedding then he said ok.
So last week on our third anniversary I brought it up again, and to be fair it’s something we talk about now and then, and when I said I would seriously like to be engaged soon, he freaked. I told him that if things were going along on my ideal path we would be engaged by March, and you would have thought I told him that I wanted him to cut off his legs. And since he’s started talking about us buying a house when our lease is up at our current apartment in May I told him that I wouldn’t be entirely comfortable moving into a house with him without being engaged he goes, “But I want to get a house in MAY!”, like May was tomorrow, not months away. And he admitted that the idea of marriage still scares him, which I do unsterstand his parents divorced, and his father is now on his third marriage.
But.. how long do I have to wait until it doesn’t scare him? I’ve always been a planner, I mean I’m going to school to become an event planner for Pete’s sake… So in my head I would like to be married around 25, because I want to be married for at least a year before having kids and I want to be finished having kids before I am 30 (ok, I know everything might not line up quite as I imagined, but that’s my basic plan…) I know not to put an ultimatum on him, that never works, but at the same time if I know that if I’m not engaged by May I would be very upset and not sure about the relationship, isn’t it fair to tell him that. Part of it is I don’t understand how he can make a long term time commitment to a house, but not to his girlfriend that he loves. I also don’t want him to propose before he’s ready and then resent me for jumping into marriage, but I know that if I’m not engaged soon(ish) I will start resenting him for me putting my plans of marriage and kids and etc. off.
What do I do bees? I’m planning on trying to not talk about engagement, or marriage, or kids at least until the end of the year… but what else?
Post # 3
My parents are divorced, and they had A LOT of complications when I was a child. Also, I have been cheated on a lot in previous relationships, and I, too, have been afraid of marriage. Once I found “The One,” I was no longer afraid to settle down with him, because it felt natural for us. I asked my SO if he was excited to call me his fiance or wife later down the line (we have no money for a ring ATM), and he responded, “No.” I felt a bit hurt, until he told me that he’s not excited because it’s so natural to him to think of me as his fiance or wife. Since he put it that way, I completely agree!
So my suggestion is you sit your man down, tell him that if this feels NATURAL to him, marriage shouldn’t scare him. There is nothing that will change between the time you’re “boyfriend/girlfriend” to the time you are married other than a ring on your finger and a paper that states you’re married. You’ve been together for three years now, he should know you inside and out and feel comfortable with you by now. If you’d feel unsure about the relationship if he didn’t propose by May, then tell him how much you enjoy your time together, and that you adore him and want him to be a part of your life, but he needs to make a decision and cannot string you along, making YOU feel upset and confused as to where things are going.
As for the house thing, some men just feel the need to get a house before putting a ring on the woman’s finger. My man is one of them. Perhaps your SO plans on proposing to you, just after he feels he can give you a home to nest in. Maybe he is indeed afraid of how things will go if he gets married, but explain to him that when you get married, nothing changes. The only difference is that you’ve got a ring on your finger and a little piece of paper that tells you you’re married. Let him know you’re in for the long haul, for the good or bad. Sit down and talk with him and figure out which side of the spectrum he’s coming from: is he ACTUALLY afraid of marriage or does he want to give you a permanent, secure place to nest and then put a ring on your finger? You will never know unless you ask, and then you can move to the next step from there.
Post # 4
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, I appreciate it 🙂
I need to talk with him seriously about it again, I guess I just worry too much that the conversations about it will push him too much. Hopefully the conversation will go well 🙂
Post # 5
You’ve been together for 3 years girl, you have the right to speak your mind and let him know how you feel about the situation and you are also in the right to light some fire under his bum to get him going to understand the situation completely. He’s gotta remember that you’re the other half of the relationship and you deserve to know where your 3 years of being together is going to get you! Hope your talk goes well. :o)
Post # 6
I’m sailing on the same ship as you – our 3 year anniversary is coming up in the next few weeks. We’ve had the same discussion and he totally freaks about it too. Is “scared” of marriage due to a past failure AND his parents. I agree that 3 years is long enough for one to know if they are with the person they intend to marry (if they EVER intend to marry). The problem might be that he’s just against marriage overall.
We do deserve to speak our minds at this point and I’m not sure where my relationship is headed. We’re going on vacation for a week this coming Saturday. It’s sad because I’m not even that excited about going because all we did was fight this past weekend over marriage.
Hang in there and keep us posted. Know that you’re certainly not alone. It’s an epidemic.