(Closed) Those of us who are STILL waiting

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1364 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Fairy tales don’t exist. Have you asked him these questions?

Post # 3
Member
835 posts
Busy bee

There are plenty of people who don’t have anyone, let alone a partner of 6 years. So stop with the whining and self-pity. If you want to get married then you need to sit him down and have a frank discussion about whether or not he actually wants this and if so, how and when it will be done. If he doesn’t want to, then you just have to decide what is more important; the relationship or the marriage.

Post # 4
Member
3243 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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Twinkle99:  has he spelled out why he hasn’t moved things forward? 

Post # 5
Member
564 posts
Busy bee

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Twinkle99:  I’ll be with my SO for 6 years in June. I feel your pain. Have you told him how much it bothers you and asked him why? I have with mine, hence why I am so frustrated I’m still waiting!

Post # 6
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

Did they really get a fairy tale ending? Marriage after a society-prescribed timeframe doesn’t always = a happy ending. Be grateful that you get to marry someone you really truly know – no questions or insecurity about getting married because you’ve already made it so long. I say this as someone who waited a little over six years to get engaged and will be getting married on our 7th anniversary. It wasn’t easy for me to wait but looking back I wouldn’t have been so negative about it if I could have a do-over. As long as he knows this is what you want – I mean, seriously have a come-to-Jesus talk with him if you haven’t already. Then let him do his thing.

Post # 7
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

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redroses76:  this advice 🙂

I think the hardest part of waiting is not knowing why. Ask him straight out what his intentions are. I know some people aren’t fond of ‘timeline talks’- but I think you have the right to know where you stand and where his head is at. For me, having my SO give me a timeframe has made all the difference- from Unhappily & Insecurely Waiting to Happily Waiting. If he won’t give you a reasonable timeframe, he needs to be honest with you about what is holding him back.

Post # 8
Member
499 posts
Helper bee

Sounds like time to buy him a ring! Sometimes you’ve got to make your own magic!!

Post # 9
Member
909 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Just because someone who is much younger than you gets engaged after only a short time together doesn’t mean they have got their ‘fairy tail ending’ either. A lot of people can be emotionally immature and have a very idealistic view of marriage when the reality is that it is very VERY hard work!! (Statistically married women live less than unmarried women and married men live longer than unmarried men, what does that tell you!!! ;-))

Hang in there, I know it can be hard but every relationship is different. I’m just newly engaged myself and we’ve been together 7.5yrs!! Committing yourself to someone else is the most important decision you will ever make so I’m always amazed at how people just rush into it. Sit down together and have a frank discussion about realistic timelines for you as a couple and include finances as to how to save up and pay for them. Engagements/weddings/buying houses/having kids all cost a lot of money so it is so important to be able to plan (in general)  for these things. Saying to each other vaguely that you’d like to get married ‘at some point in the future’ doesn’t count. I always think that if people haven’t had open, honest conversations about their futures before deciding to get engaged, they are not ready to be engaged.  

Just a side note, this is what my parter and I did about 3 years ago when we were sure we wanted to be together. We waited until now to get engaged because this was when we could afford to. Simple as.

 

Post # 10
Member
91 posts
Worker bee

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Twinkle99:  I feel your pain too.  I’ll have been with my boyfriend for 6 years in October- and I’m still waiting as well.  We are younger than you are (he’s 26, I’ll turn 25 in August), but it does make me sad to see girls younger than I am getting engaged or seeing my college friends getting engaged after less time together.

The magic number in my circle seems to be 3- so many of my college classmates get engaged when they have been with their SOs for about three years.  We are about to lap that time!  I don’t get jealous of the girls exactly, just a little sad that I don’t know what that feels like. I’m sure you can relate!

Post # 11
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I am tired of waiting too. When I read this and saw the part you wrote asking what have you done wrong, I know I have said that same thing to myself. I am glad I am not alone in this, but I think we do have to think about the good thing that we have, and make sure that you have the talk with your man about intentions.

I don’t have a straight and clear answer from mine but am waiting for more advice on my post on what to do.

For now, just keep living your life for you and think about how long is absolutely too long to wait for him to take the plunge and ask you already. 

Post # 12
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Dear ladies in waiting,

Please don’t wait. Your SO should be begging you to marry them, not you waiting and wondering why he has not done so. He is lucky to have you in his life and should do everything possible to demonstrate his love and dedication to you.

Depending on your age, please do consider ending the relationship (especially if it’s been more than three years).

It took me years of misery, a broken heart and therapy to realize that when a man loves you and has a plan for the future, you will know where you stand. When he doesn’t, it will leave you confused, bitter and very sad.

Regarding money, it has little to do with it. A man with a plan will still move ahead in an effort to tell the world that you are his wife. The wedding may be modest or at the local courthouse but it will happen.

Once I took those words to heart, the man of my dreams found me. We are getting married next week.

Hugs to all of you.

 

Post # 13
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

ok so I have been with my Fiance 4yrs and I’m 27… So in the middle of your brackets. But after all the marriage convos and waiting… And waiting… I had enough. And one day I told him I wanted to go ring shopping. So we did. Funny enough, on the way to the jewelers he stopped at another one and pointed out a ring he was going to buy for my birthday a couple of months before. It was just what i like. But he was too freaked out about getting the wrong ring and planning a huge soppy proposal. All that time i thought it was me but he was under a lot of pressure

 

so there and then we made a mutual agreement to marry, stuff the soppy proposal and get a ring there. It was the best day ever. So if you are happy to skip a few ‘traditions’ then there are other ways. I say just do it !

Post # 14
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2016

“it just makes me question – why me, what did I do so wrong?! Why has my fairy tail dive bombed when so many other girls got the fairy tale ending without wanting or pleading for it!”

You didn’t do anything “wrong” but this is happening ot you because you are allowing it. You should not have to plead with someone for an engagement after six years. You live together and own property together. And I’m assuming that you would know by now if he had strong oppositions to marriage. 

From an earlier thread you started, I have learned that you initially gave him a deadline of this past NYE, and then extended it to Easter. It sounds like he agreed to Easter (and maybe even initiated that deadline). He hasn’t proposed yet, so he has broken a promise to you. He is not giving you what you want, and what you have reasonably asked for. 

There are two people in this relationship: his needs seem to have been met, but yours have not. This is going beyond compromise, and at this point, he has no reason to propose to you, since if he doesn’t all he has to deal with is you asking him about marriage a couple of times per year. He placates you, and gives you another deadline, and then deals with it later on.

You need to stand up for yourself. I would give it another week or so (in case he wants to surprise you or something), and if there is no proposal it’s time to sit down and talk. Not a talk where you rationalize things and ask when he plans on proposing…a talk where you tell him he doesn’t get to have a relationship with you if it’s not moving forward. 

There are plenty of people for whom marriage isn’t that important (I’m one of them, my fiance isn’t). But it sounds like it’s really important to you. He knows you want to get engaged, and he has said he would get engaged, but now he is dragging his feet and making you question yourself. His behavior is flakey at best.

If you have a difficult discussion where you really, truly lay your cards on the table, and he lets you walk away, then he was never worth it. You desrve someone who can’t wait to marry you, not someone who makes you doubt yourself.

Post # 15
Member
5 posts
Newbee

@honeyelizabethbee what an amazing post. 🙂 thank you so much for your advice even though it’s not directed towards me.

I would never wait it out 6 years, but coming up on 2 years and have had the itch for awhile. Mine has until August, then that’s it for me.

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