Post # 1
I am in my late twenties and my husband (who is in his early thirties) and I have been married for less than a year. I’ve always, always been 110% CERTAIN I wanted kids (at least one!) and often have “baby fever.” The idea of a child-free seemed like an appealing lifestyle at times but that ultimately it’s not for me. Basically, I’ve always felt at my core that I am meant to be a mother. It’s worth noting that we are both in school currently for career changes, so kids are probably 3-5 years in the future at least.
I’ve had a dog (an adult rescue) for the past 5 years, and have had previous pets, so owning a pet isn’t new to me. My husband got me a puppy shortly before Christmas and ever since then, I have had zero desire to have kids. I am super content with this puppy/our other dog and just loving the “dog mom lifestyle”, if you will. For someone that has basically always had baby fever of varying degrees, this is very weird to me and frankly unnerving. I realize it may be a passing phase but I’ve also been contemplating whether this may be the beginning of deciding to remain child-free.There are lots of reasons not to have children (more freedom/flexible lifestyle, overpopulation, etc.)
For those that decided to be CFBC, what were your reasons? Did those reasons evolve? Did you have a moment where you suddenly just decided it wasn’t for you or was it a change of heart over time? Would love to hear specifically from those of you that didn’t always know.
Post # 2
I have always wanted children because I just automatically assumed that that’s what everyone does. So it was no question in my mind that I would have kids. I assumed most people had kids as long as they were fertile. Once I got married I felt like it totally changed. I all of a sudden realized how awesome my life was with just my husband & pets. The thought of a baby changing everything, including our relationship is scary. We spend so much time together & love eating out and traveling and that’s just so much harder to do with kids. I have never ever been a baby person and after marriage and really thinking about babies and having my own, I just got really turned off. I also realize how sucky pregnancy is and I just figured out that it’s not for me.
I am different in that I do want to adopt an older child in MANY years, definitely not any time soon, so I’m CFBC for a while but not forever. But I never ever want to go through the pregnancy/baby stage. Babies aren’t cute IMO, they just seem like to me HUGE responsibilities! Lol. Sounds awful but it’s always been my opinion.
Post # 3
As a little girl I assumed I would one day be a Mum as it was the done thing. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was about 14, and remember my endocrinologist saying it could impact on my becoming pregnant. At that stage I became pretty resigned to a childless (there is a distinction between childfree and childless IMO) life.
I then began to appreciate that perhaps having children was not actually all that desirable for me. I had studied to become a junior primary teacher and found I didn’t actually enjoy kids. Later when I met my now husband I voiced early on that if he wanted to be a Dad it probably wouldn’t happen with me, and that I was pretty firmly in the no kids camp, and he was not bothered.
I am certain that with correct intervention we could have had a baby, but in the end we are very happy the way we are. What percentage of me making this decision was around self preservation due to my condition, I don’t know. But in the end, I cannot imagine (at 40) that being a Mum would have been the better choice for me.
I kind of think there is no ‘right’ decision. You make a decision, and then make it right!
Post # 4
bee123456789 : Thanks for sharing. That’s really cool that you may adopt in the future. It’s funny, because when I was writing up this post that was one of the things in the back of my mind. I was thinking, “well, maybe someday we’ll adopt instead.” I can identify with not wanting our life to change. I like spending time with my husband and enjoying our hobbies, working, etc. The idea of trying to fit kids into that seems wild.
Olivepepper : I’m glad that it worked out for you! I like what you said about making a decision and making it right. I have a family member with PCOS and when her and her husband began TTC, they needed to do testing but her husband refused to get his sperm evaluated. She says she just kind of gave up at that point. She too is a teacher and she mentions that one of her biggest regrets is not discussing it more with her husband because she really wanted to have children.
Post # 5
I’m good with kids and I enjoy spending time with them. I used to babysit all the time. I just assumed I’d have kids 1-2 years after I got married. Because that’s what every woman I know did. And then I realized that I didn’t *have* to have kids and that pregnancy sounds horrible. And then I realized that I only like the ‘good parts’ of having kids. And then I realized I love being an aunt but would be a horrible mother. And that’s when I decided. It helped that my fiance is CFBC as well and more strongly than me.
I’d probably still be open to having (non-biological) kids in the future if my fiance ever changes his mind. But I’m more than happy not having any kids but my cat.
Post # 6
xo_mrsbear : Just wanting to clarify that I never finished my teaching qualification. I swapped to Social Work! Better fit for me. I am really sorry for your family member. It is a horrible thing to feel like one is missing out. I hope she can find peace with this.
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2019 - Canadian Rockies
Thanks for the post. I had something similar happen when we got cats, but I am pretty sure I was on the CFBC boat long before the cats. But for most of my life I thought I wanted kids bc that’s just what everyone does! I grew up Catholic, thinking I’d be married by 25 and would pop out 6 or 7 kids. Hah! I’ve been with Fiance for almost 7 years now and I’d say at least half of those years were spent with us on the same boat. No kids for us… just travel and cats. And about those cats… I love them so much! We got them a couple years ago when we got our first house. I hadn’t had kitties since I was in middle school. (I loved the cat I had, and we had to get rid of him because of our landlord.) Anyway, when we got our kitties.. let’s just say I wasn’t expecting to be AS obsessed with them as I am haha, but that’s as motherly as I’m going to get and that’s ok w me!
Post # 8
I got married for the first time at an extremely young age. I always assumed that I would be a mom, when I got finished with school and got my career started. It just never seemed like the right time. Thankfully, it never was, because that marriage didn’t work out. Since then my lifestyle and what I want has changed. Fiance has two amazing boys, who I LOVE being around, and he said we can defintiely have some of our own, I just simply don’t feel the want or need to, anymore. I love my lifestyle, we do what we want, when we want. And I simply don’t want to give that up. When needed, I spend a ton of time at work and my schedule can differ every week. I want to be able to travel as much as possible and continue excelling in my career… Let’s get serious, being a mom will make that a lot harder. Fiance sometimes works out of town and I love being able to pack and go see him every weekend, or take a long weekend and work out of the hotel. I have some girlfriends that LOVE being a mom. But I have two that seriously say they wish they wouldn’t have had kids and that their relationship with their husbands changed to something they don’t like. Both of them say they always thought they were supposed to have kids, but when it actually happened, they miss their old lives. Don’t get me wrong, they are both great moms who adore their kids, but their opinions definitely helped me solidify mine.
Post # 9
xo_mrsbear : bit late to this and I don’t know if this necessarily counts, because I don’t think I have ever actually properly wanted children. However, I did assume, from my mid teens to mid 20s, that I would have them at some point. I was upset when I was diagnosed with endometriosis and even more upset when a year after the diagnosis it worsened with adhesions which affected my ovaries and tubes. I went through a brief time of ‘wanting’ to try for a baby. But I kept putting it off, finding excuses not to have one in the next 1/3/5 years.
Then a couple of years later I was talking to a customer about holidays and he said that he was so glad he never had children as he can go away when he wants, do want he wants etc, and that if I loved my holidays I shouldn’t have them. It was like this light bulb moment where I was like ‘woah, I don’t HAVE to have kids, it’s a CHOICE!’.
I then start examining my choice. I joined CFBC forums, and began to realise I had never actually wanted kids. I had never actually experienced any real desire to have them. Thankfully my now-husband (then fiance) eventually came round to it after the initial shock, realising he too didn’t really want them, and just wanted the ‘Kodak moments’, not the day-to-day life of being a parent.
This was about 7 years ago now. I’m now 31 and love my life as it is. The thought of being a parent makes me shudder.
However, I don’t think you can say I have changed my mind; it’s more that I opened my mind and did a lot of self reflection and examination. I think in your case, because you say you have always had a desire to be a mother, there is a reasonable chance that that desire will surface again. It could be that getting a puppy has kind of satisfied the urge for now, but that when the puppy gets older that will wear off.
I could be wrong of course.
Post # 10
I used to want kids. But the closer I get to the time when one should have kids, the less I want them. At this point I really can’t think of any good reasons to have them TBH, and can think of literally hundreds of reasons to NOT have them. I think I just kind of assumed I’d have kids someday. I don’t even like kids anymore! Darling Husband and I have this amazing life that we couldn’t have if we had kids. I’ve been on two vacations already this year. We have pets, I’ll be buying a horse soon and competing. We go out all the time, have a part season to the Winnipeg Jets, which are some of the most expensive tickets in the league. We go to an NFL game every year. We like being spontaneous. The one trip I mentioned? I was thisclose to literally booking it 3 days before the plane left (in the end it didn’t work out for the person I was going with). My husband planned a trip to Halifax for us in less than 2 weeks for my birthday a couple years ago when his work decided to send him there last minute for the week after my birthday. We wouldn’t be able to do things like that if we have kids. I look at our life, thinking what we could cut to have kids, and yeah, nothing. Sorry. I look at friends who have kids and they essentially have no life and all they do is complain about how they can’t afford anything. Wy would I want to risk losing this wonderful fun life I have just to have kids?
Post # 11
Glad I found this string!! First off, I have a basic question about the CFBC acronym. 🙂 On here, is it generally “Child Free by Choice” or “Child Free by Circumstance”? I guess both maybe??
I am definitely Child Free by Circumstance – wanted biological kids of my own badly, but had three difficult losses – likely as a result of starting at a later age. Now my husband and I are completely on the fence about adoption, but at our age (early forties) – we really are struggling with the thought of being older parents. As mature spouses, we are really seeing lots of positives of remaining child-free – and it doesn’t help that both of us are VERY passionate about traveling.
We’re working on doing a “pro/con” list to be sure about our decision. I must say though – its nice to see this board as it can sometimes feel like you’re the only married couple around without kids! I definitely want to work on connecting with more childless couples.
Post # 12
I wanted kids when I was younger, but my first spouse did not. Then he left me at age 38 after I had been through cancer treatments (making it difficult to conceive) and, ironically, married a younger woman and is trying to have kids with her. I tried to get pregnant with my Fiance after age 40, but it didn’t happen, and, honestly, I’m OK with it. It seemed like the desire, never that strong to being with, just left me after my first marriage. It felt like it just evaporated. I’m perfectly happy with no kids right now.