(Closed) Thought I was Maid of Honor= Mistake: Help Please

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@ duchessfriedrich   Agreed 100%.

People are calling you petty and sayin gyou should get over yourself and I just do not get that way of thinking about things. Are these people entirely non-emotional in THEIR dealings with friends and family??!?

SHE clearly knew she would be highlighting the fact that the two of you place different levels of importance on the friendship when she chose to exclude you from the wedding party.

My .02, it sounds like maybe she’s a bit of a user. I get the feeling that a lot of y’all’s chats and talks probably revolve around HER and HER problems and you counsel her and give her advice. 

If that’s the case, then she just mostly sees you as a course of external validation. While she enjoys being validated, she doesn’t reciprocate in kind or put herself out for you. 

I would find this deeply hurtful and unsettling, and I’d avoid the wedding. If you had the money to throw around, SURE, be the bigger person and go celebrate their union. But you DON’T have the money, and to continue to place the higher level of importance on the relationship than she does would be folly. 

Were I in your shoes, I’d just kindly RSVP no, let her know it’s just finances, process the emotions on my own time (since this is a happy time for her, and you don’t want to blight it), then continue the relationship mostly normally, but with a downward adjustment on importance to me/reliance on it. 

Post # 47
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I had lifelong close girl friends I wasn’t able to put in my bridal party too. It was a painful decision to come to. It’s not that I let FI choose my bridesmaids, that would be nuts, but I did choose the friends who were close to my Fiance, had seen us at every stage of our relationship, and were there to offer support when I needed it. That wound up basically being my deciding factor. They live nearby and were more of my every-day-day-to-day friends. Perhaps Anne chose based on something similar? You don’t mention any realtionship with the groom. It’s thier marriage, not just her wedding, so that may be something to consider. 

My out-of-town-weekly-phone-call girlfriends totally understood when I talked to them about it. I’m actually planning for the morning of the wedding, having a breakfast together just the three of us before all the hair and makeup people, the bridesmaids, and the moms show up and it becomes a sh!tshow. 

Also, I agree with the PPs who have said it shouldn’t matter if you were in the wedding or not (which, you would be, cause you’re doing a reading). Either you’re financially unable, which you would have been bridesmaid or not, or your feelings are hurt and you’re being stubborn in response. Even, dare I say, petty. 

Hurt feelings are awful, and drive us to awful places, but take a deep breath and start thinking better of your friend. She still wants you there, involved, and you’re still friends. How hurt do you think she’d be by your suggestion that she chose her bridesmaids based on who’s prettiest and most photogenic? It sounds like a really painful situation, but I don’t think its so black and white as many PP’s seem to suggest. She’s your friend, not a monster. You’re allowed to be hurt, but not for forever. 

I’m really sorry this happened and that its affecting you so much. I wish you peace on it!

Post # 48
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@ brideinthesix   I agree with this. Though at some level I can understand your hurt, but you really need to get over this and realize it’s HER wedding. It’s more about your friendship with her that you’re going, not because of some title in a wedding.

Somehow your financial ability to go diminished the moment you found out you weren’t the MOH? So your going depends on your title in the wedding more than the friendship you two have? Deciding who’s in the bridal party is a tough choice. Friendships change over the years, while you two are good friends, that doesn’t mean she will have times that she feels closer to other people in her life. She will have time she argues with her other friends and confide in you, as she will have times she argues with you and confide in her other friends. I feel its quite rude of you to judge and demean the people she considers are friends.

Post # 49
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Were all the bridesmaids local? Maybe she didn’t want to have a bridesmaid (especially a MOH) who couldn’t be there for all the prewedding stuff? I personally wouldn’t consider that a factor but perhaps it was important to her. 

Or, unfortunately, maybe she is your best friend but you aren’t hers. I was in a wedding recently for someone I wouldn’t have even invited to my wedding (I will now). We talk on the phone a couple times a year maybe and that is it, if that. I see her once a year, or less. But she saw me as a very close friend, one of her four closest friends to be exact.

Since you were her Maid/Matron of Honor, it is pretty brutal she didn’t explain why you aren’t in the wedding party. She could have said, “I’m sorry that you aren’t in the wedding party, I just feel over the last 5 years I have grown much closer with these girls and they are all local and able to help me with prewedding events.” Or SOMETHING!

Maybe it is time to find a new BFF. RSVP no, send a lovely gift, and use some of that money you saved on flights to take a new girl out for cocktails!

Post # 50
Member
1984 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
@ nordiclight    it’s not the local thing as 1 of the bridesmaids lives even further away than OP does she said. It’s also not the money thing because she said the bride doesn’t know about her money troubles.

I think a pp may have gotten it right. The bride could be self centered that only talks about herself and her problems because how could a good friend not know that the OP’s husband is out of work and they have money issues? Yet OP knows all about problems bride has with her other friends? Sounds one sided.

I would totally not be dropping$$ to attend and I would reevaluate this friendship.

 

Post # 51
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m just really surprised that people on here are treating being asked to give a speech or do a reading (not sure which this is) like it’s nothing. The people we asked to give speeches and be a part of our ceremony are among the most important relationships in our lives, and they’re people we can depend on to come through for us, even more so than some members of our wedding party.

I think it’s a disservice to your friend to think that if she didn’t make you a bridesmaid, she wasn’t thinking about you at all, or doesn’t consider you an important person in her life. A lot of times bridesmaid can be an empty title to placate people. I understand if financial issues mean you really can’t attend, but bridesmaid-or-bust seems like a harsh position to take when someone has asked you to be an important part of their day already.

Post # 52
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee

Actually, asking OP to speak without giving her an actual title within the wedding is exactly what a taker would do.

A self-involved taker would:

A) bestow titles on girls who she thinks are “better” than her, and thus she wants to “bribe” into being better friends with her

and

B) select people whom she sees as “lower” than herself to speak about her, because she knows they hold her in high esteem and will paint a beautiful picture of her to everyone. 

People who see the world as a social heriarchy/popularity contest are gross, but I find that it’s a lot more common than we’d like to think/people want to admit. 

Post # 53
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

OP, I think your friend should have addressed this straight-on with you. Since she was maid of honor at your wedding and you remain close, it’s not such a stretch to assume that you would also be her bridesmaid, and she knew that very well. I’m sorry you are hurt, but it’s good to know where people stand. She can still be a friend; she’s just not a friend who has asked you to be her maid of honor. It’s perfectly fine not to attend the wedding if you let her know right away to give her time to make other arrangements for the reading. If you can afford it, I would consider going if you still want her in your life.

Post # 54
Member
1904 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
@ duchessgummybunns   Nailed it 1000%.

OP, I agree that this “friend” has been using you- only calling when she needs to vent and you always listen and make her feel more valued. This person is not a true friend.

I agree, decline. Send a gift and start to remove yourself from this friendship. She will want to call you to tell you all about her honeymoon and wedding only after others are tired of hearing about it… again. Start missing her calls and emails… this is no friend.

Post # 55
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
@ kyrunner   This made my heart hurt OP… hugs to you!!  I definitely think that you should have a conversation with your friend about how you feel if the friendship can continue. Yes, you may be able to skip the wedding, but this is a deep hurt that will need to be addressed eventually. I know I would have to be honest about my feelings. 

 

Good luck to you!

Post # 56
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

If you still consider her to be your best friend then you should go to the wedding. Don’t make this day about you, just be there for her in whatever way she needs. I was in a friend’s wedding as a teenager and she picked the worst person to be her maid of honor, but I stepped up and helped her out and i still feel good about being there for her on her big day. Conduct yourself in a way that you will look back on and be proud of, regardless of whether or not the two of you stay friends.

Post # 57
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@ duchessgummybunns   That’s a really interesting way of viewing being asked to speak at someone’s wedding. I guess I’m learning that people put a lot more power and importance on titles than I do!

Post # 58
Member
9402 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Don’t go. I totally get why you’re upset and it’s an invitation–not a summons. Why should you spend so much money and time on an event that is making you feel so sad?

Send a card, maybe even a gift (since I assume you are happy for her) and focus on things and people in your life who currently make you happy… Especially since money is tight.

Post # 59
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
@ duchessgummybunns   

A reading is not someone talking about the bride, OP said she was asked to do a reading. Readings are usually passages from the bible, or sometimes a poem or story that are read as part of the ceremony. It is still a special role in the wedding. 

Post # 60
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - Disney\'s Grand Floridian Resort & Spa

Although I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said, I want to apologize for the pp who called you “over-sensitive, melodramatic and petty” because you absolutely did not deserve that after being open about your feelings in what is supposed to be a safe place.

The real issue here is that you feel blindsided by a person who you thought felt the same way about you as you feel about her. I’ve been there so I understand completely and feel for you. Your husband is out of work and as you said, traveling to attend the wedding would be a big expense; an expense that would be hard to pay after the emotional blow you just took. I get it completely. I can’t say if you should or shouldn’t go to the wedding, but what I would advise you to do is tell her how you feel – not because you want her to make you a bridesmaid but because she deserves to know where you stand and you deserve the chance to have your feelings heard. I’m sure she loves you and she probably does have a good explanation if you were to ask. If she truly is a good friend she wouldn’t expect you to come if it was going to be too hard on you. Currently, one of my long-time friends has been having a lot of problems in her relationship and hasn’t really been genuinely excited or supportive of my recent engagement. I would completely understand if she didn’t feel up to being a bridesmaid or even attending my wedding, though I hope this isn’t the case. A friend should care more about a friend’s feelings than anything else and I think that it would help both of you to talk it over. I would want her to tell me how she honestly felt rather than give me any other excuse that could easily be misinterpreted.

Really though, you’re not acting like a brat and the pp who said that is failing to see the bigger picture and has obviously never been on the receiving end of this kind of letdown in a friendship. Just remember that the majority of us are sympathizing with you rather than judging you.

The topic ‘Thought I was Maid of Honor= Mistake: Help Please’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors