(Closed) Thought I was Maid of Honor= Mistake: Help Please

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 61
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Grandover Resort

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juliamarie3 :  well said, completely agree! 

Post # 62
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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kyrunner :  OK so my DH was on the same situation 2 years ago. He always told me about his best friend whom he adored and I finally met him when we went to his old hometown which is 6 hours drive from where we are currently. We would go visit a handful of times a year, but before me he would travel every other weekend to see his BFF and his sister who still lived there and other friends every other weekend and spend £150 on petrol. He also would come and stay with us and we came and stayed with them and were favourite “couples” to each other when I came into the mix. He loved going. His BFF was engaged to be married bad my DH (boyfriend at the time) though he would be best man on in the party…. He found out he wasn’t only his BFFs borther, Brother-In-Law and a new friend who he was so close to after my husband moved after uni out of the area. He was very hurt and didn’t say so but said to me he always thought it would be him. One night he even asked his BFFs fiance (which shocked me as this isn’t like him) and she said she too was surprised as she adores him and the current best man and her didn’t get on. Anyway we were going no no matter what as my DH would never miss it for the world and loved him. He just wasn in the party but knew this was likely due to location and costs as they were renting the outfits for all the Guys.  Anyway 2 weeks before the wedding he asks my DH to be groomsman as his brother couldn’t make it from Australia – my DH was sooooo over the moon !!! He took his role so seriously and even stepped up more and did more than the groomsmen and best man on the date and later his friend said how surprised and happy he was at this – you see my DH was always the clown and joker but what his friend didn’t realise was this was something he would never mess up and took pride I. Being his groomsman.

we got married this year and do you think he was petty? No , he made his same friend best man. They are as close as they ever were but it’s obvious now distance for the duties and organising and his clown behaviour were the original reasons he wasn’t chosen and I’m pleased he didn’t let it hurt him to blindness as now their relationship is stronger than ever and he is coming to stay soon again. 

I TOO would be JUST as hurt as you with my BFF who I’ve known since I was 6 if I wasn’t matron of honour, I made her maid of honour in May EVEN after we had fallen out for a year and not talked! Why?!? Because we had discussed this from childhood and I saw no one else taking that role …. Whatver we go through we will be sisters from another mother …. I did do some soul searching over asking but felt it was the right thing and didn’t want to regret it later. If she doesn’t ask me yep I’ll be hurt but I would still go, I love her after all! 

Post # 63
3163 posts
Sugar bee

If a best friend of mine got married I would move heaven and earth to attend their wedding no matter what. If your friend decided to have no bridesmaids would you still go or not? If you can truly say you wouldn’t go to the wedding no matter what than by all means don’t bother. But if you’re literally going to sulk because you weren’t chosen for the wedding party than I think that’s a mistake. You said once you moved away that you saw each other often so you must travel to see her. I can’t see how money has all of a sudden become a problem and you can’t save up. I’ve been in your position. I get looked over all the time. But on the day, who cares?? As long as your friend is having a wonderful time, what of it? I don’t think it’s that much of a big deal to be a bridesmaid…. It’s hard work. I much prefer to relax, wear what I want, eat and drink to my hearts content, and toast my friend as a guest. 

Post # 64
605 posts
Busy bee

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kyrunner :  I guess at this point you need to decide if after the wedding 20 years down the road if you are still friends will you regret when she talks about her wedding day and how amazing it was and laugh about moments that happened that you weren’t there? 

I get it. There has been two weddings where I thought I deserved to be a moh or bridesmaid and I didn’t get picked but…..one of them has since made me God mother of her children. And honestly….now? It was one day and if anything happens to her and her husband she trusts me to raise her children and that is such a more amazing honour than that one day I could have been bustling her dress and giggling together while getting our make up done. Though I would have loved that experience… I think…..you don’t know what is going to happen in life. Something even better may be requested of you one day and I hope you wouldn’t miss out taking a bow out of her life.

Post # 65
2329 posts
Buzzing bee

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peridot456 :  I know right!? I’m 31 and just NOW starting to truly realize how much of humanity still operates in the high school mode of popularity contests… At least the ones of us who tend more towards self-centeredness.

Insecure people will move heaven and earth to be validated by people who they assume are “better” than them. Interestingly enough, anyone who GENUINELY cares for these people are automatically downgraded to “less than,” because if you LIKE them (and they hate themselves deep down) then something much be wrong with you. It’s so twisted, but took dating a few narcissistic guys to figure out what was going on. As long as I played hard to get and was thus “better” than them, I was worth chansing for thei self-validation. But the second I let my guard down and started to let myself like them, I was downgraded to “less than.”

Obviously, my take on this is just a theory – I only know this thin slice of the story. I would sayto OP, though, if I’m right, you should absolutely not be honest and genuine with your friend about this. She will just downgrade you even more and be disingenuous. If I’m wrong and she’s actually a really great, giving friend, then yeah, definitely behonest with her. 

Post # 66
60 posts
Worker bee

I wouldn’t pay $1000 to attend anyone’s wedding unless they were immediate family, so I’m no help in this situation.

Post # 67
1505 posts
Bumble bee

You won’t want to go to her wedding because your feelings are hurt she didn’t pick you to be in her bridal party? Maybe your sensitivy and melodramatic attitude is exactly why she didn’t want to ask you… People are not entitled to be in someone’s wedding. It is an honour, and one that the bride and groom choose. She didn’t choose you, and at first I can get how that would be a bummer, but seriously, get over it.

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