Post # 1
I’m getting married in about 5 months. Fiance and I were joking around the other day about how the “so when are you going to have kids?” comments will probably start right after we say “I do”. We laughed about it at first, but then we started talking about it a little more seriously. When I first met Fiance, he did mention that he wanted to have kids one day. I’m at this point in my life where I honestly don’t know if I ever want to have children. A very big part of me doesn’t want children, but a small part of me does get “baby fever” every once in a while (though I would consider it to be rare). I have talked to my Fiance about the possibility that I may never want children and he said he was okay with it and sounded very genuine, but I worry that one day he will resent me. I just really struggle with the idea of being a parent, sometimes I even have dreams about myself having a baby and being incredibly unhappy about it. I’m confused about what I’m feeling, I don’t want kids but I also think I might want them someday? Or maybe I’m having a hard time admitting to myself that I don’t want kids because I was raised thinking that I am supposed to have kids because that’s the “normal” thing to do. All the women in my family have kids (immediate and extended). It also doesn’t help that my Fiance is an only child so we are the only ones who can give his parents grandchildren (even though I know this is definitely NOT a reason to have kids if you don’t want them). If you’ve ever gone through something similar I would love to hear your stories! Whether you believed you’d live a childfree life then had children for whatever reason (and how your life/perspective changed), or how you knew the childfree life was definitely for you. Thanks in advance!
Post # 2
If he’s told you that he would be ok without children then you have to trust him. If either of your feelings change, you both need to discuss it but until that happens you have to keep trusting that you’re on the same page.
The best thing I’ve seen on the kids/no kids discussion is even with every scenario do you still want kids? Do you still want kids if when they’re adults they just don’t have a relationship with you, do you want kids if those kids don’t want kids, do you want kids if you know they’re going to end up in prison? Or do you want kids because of some vision you have of when they’re older or out of a sense of a duty? If you have kids, it may not end up anywhere close to your vision so are you happy to do that?
If not, then you don’t have to have children. It’ll probably be quite hard at times if your families are generally quite child minded but you’ll get through it and have a life that works for you?
Post # 3
I used to worry about not being 100% certain I would never change my mind (I’m like 99%, but was still worrying, lol). What helped me was to realize that I can never make the perfect decision I am guaranteed not to regret – as long as I make a deliberate choice, taking all the information I have into account (even if it’s incomplete), that’s the best I can do. I’ve accepted the possibility that later I may regret not having kids, just like I may regret other choices. Making a different decision, one that I would regret right now, doesn’t seem like the best way to prevent potential future regret, you know? I think it’s important to remember that things are hardly ever black and white – wanting kids and not having them doesn’t mean your life is ruined. That’s one of those attitudes that is culturally instilled in us. The reality is there are plenty of couples who wanted kids but couldn’t have them, who still live joyful, fulfilling lives. If they can make that adjustment, then so can you guys, if you ever realize too late that you want kids after all. As for your husband, he’s making his decision right now, just as you are, based on all the information available to him. If he chooses to marry a CFBC woman, that one’s on him 😉
Post # 4
I am the only person I know who never wanted kids and still don’t –everyone else in my circles who said they never wanted kids ended up having them. Some girls got pregnant accidentally and chose to keep the babies. Some men gave into their wives demands. Other people changed their minds about kids as they aged and feared unfulfilled lives. I know everyone is entitled to change their mind but it’s frustrating for me because when 99% of these “childfree” people change their mind nobody takes my stance seriously, now it’s like the term means “childfree-for-now” instead of FOREVER
Post # 5
Yes, I didn’t want kids for a very long time – ever since a little girl up until I found my husband and thought that maybe it was not such a bad idea after all :). I think there were two reasons for my change of mind: (i) I was all for having a small copy of my husband and (ii) he is a very responsible person, so I knew that I could parent with him. Now we have a little girl – and it is amazing! Sure, it’s difficult and we are not planning on a second one – but definitely worth it!
Post # 6
I never wanted kids at all. Now I have two. With the boy, it was the most unlikely time around my period when I didnt expect to get pregnant and found out I was preggo after coming back from my honeymoon. I put the day after pill in my mouth but somehow couldnt swallow it. 9 months after having my son, I got pregnant with my daughter while on the pill but I believe the heavy antibiotics I were on helped that along…smh…needless to say, I am glad I had them because I love them devastatingly. However, the marriage did not last. Honestly, I think I have the ‘luxury’ of fully having every other weekend ‘off’ from parenting (they’re with their dad) and I work during the day. If I was the type of mom that always was with my children with no breaks (this would have been me if I were married surprisingly as he always left me with the kids), it would have driven me crazy. But the small breaks in between allows me to do me at times and that helps greatly. I think it also helps make me a really good mom. But kids are exhausting! I thank God they are 8 and 9 now and honestly, I am looking forward to them not needing after care when they can be home for short periods of time by themselves (for me, that would be 13/14 ish). For me, a support system is crucial to happiness with kids, especially if you never wanted any in the first place. I do not have a support system but like I said, the two weekends I have off free is a God sent.
Post # 7
When I first started getting serious with my now husband, he definitely wanted kids, and I was really on the fence (with perhaps leaning on no). He was ok with not having kids- saying that you can’t always have everything in life, and he felt fortunate just to have me in his life. However as the years went by, my mind did change. I think mostly because I wanted him to be the father of my children, and knew that he would be involved enough that I could still have my career and pursue other dreams. Currently expecting my first and I could not be more excited. However, I’m not sure I would have wanted kids had I ended up with a different man, and I doubt I would have ever pursued motherhood alone had I never gotten married (I know many people who are certain enough that they would). However, I think I will be a devoted mom and I can’t wait. I would just let yourself be ok with how you feel. You may change but you may not and either is ok- as long as you continue to be honest with yourself and partner .
Post # 8
I have the same problem. I am not 100% sure if I want to have kids as I don’t really like being around them but I started getting baby fever once a year so after meeing my SO. I also think my SO would be an amazing Dad. His family loves kids and they can’t imagine how can someone not want them. We are not even engaged yet and everyone is asking…It’s crazy.
I told him I am not sure and it seemed like he was ok with it but I think he didn’t take it seriously. I am full of contradictions so he probably thinks I just said it cuz I was tired of questions. Occasionally he says “when we have kids” “I would want my kid to do this”..etc Also whenever my period is late, he looks very happy
Post # 9
vanessa9090 : why are you reopening several years’ old CFBC threads??? It’s kind of annoying. If you want to talk about the CFBC life, open a new thread about whatever it is that’s on your mind. There are lots of us here who would love to participate. But old threads don’t need to be resurrected like this.
Post # 10
Nvm, didn’t realize this was a zombie thread.
Post # 11
That Bee has already started a thread about her indecision so I don’t understand why this thread needed to be resurrected.