Post # 1
Lately, when going to bed, I think about meeting another guy while being next to my husband. I feel disgusted when I do this because my husband is so incredibly kind and caring, which is what made me fall in love with him. He makes me feel safe, and he’s my best friend. There’s literally nothing wrong with him. However, I’m starting to wonder if that’s all it is, and that’s all it ever was? We are very much in a routine, and we don’t go on dates like we used to. Maybe we just need to spice it up a bit?
Another thing though, sometimes when we start to have sex I get incredibly disgusted and want to stop. I want to cry when he wants to be intimate because I wish I could want him the way he wants me. Like, it never crosses my mind to have sex with him. Too Much Information, but I do take care of myself in that department once or twice a week, so I know it’s not a health issue.
He made a comment today that he feels like I’m not attracted to him because “we never make love”. I told him I’ve just been feeling down lately, and it has nothing to do with him. I went to the upstairs bathroom and cried while pretending to take a shower.
This has been recent, maybe the past few months? I’m so confused…
I do struggle with depression, and I have been down lately, which is why I don’t know the reasoning behind it all. I don’t want to blame it on that, but at the same time, I just haven’t been myself. Crazy to say after all that, but I can’t imagine my life without him; however….
It’s just not fair to him…
Is my heart telling me something? Is it a phase? Is it my depression?
Post # 2
none of us can tell you if it’s your heart or if it’s depression. If it were me, I would start with the depression. I would make an appointment with my doctor and talk about possible medication adjustments first.
I don’t make any major decisions if I have a feeling that my anxiety could be messing with my mindset.
Post # 3
I agree. If you’re struggling with any kind of depression right now, it’s not a great time to be making any rash decisions. I would try to get some personal therapy so that you can explore both your emotional and your relationship struggles.
I’d also try to blow some life into your relationship to see if it makes a difference. Break up your routine a bit and spend some fun, date type time together. It’s easier to lose enthusiasm when the person feels like a part of the background-routine of your life, rather than someone who helps you enjoy your life more. Does he still put effort into the romance/relationship department beyond initiating sex?
I’m definitely not saying to ignore it, but I’d explore the possibilities first.
Post # 4
Yes, these feelings could be due to depression. Are you on any medication(s) for depression? If so, talk to your doctor about maybe making a change or a dosage adjustment. It could be something as simple as your needing to adjust or change your medication. Have your thyroid checked, too. I would rule out any health or mental health issues first before questioning your relationship.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
Having dirty thoughts or crushes involving other people? Totally normal, particularly across the span of a long-term relationship. Humans enjoy novelty. But feeling disgust every time you’re intimate with someone you love is a little surprising.
Has anything else in your life changed recently?
What kind of treatments for depression have you sought in the past, and how have they worked?
Post # 6
As other bees have suggested, I would say look at the depression as a possible root cause. Is there anything that he has said or done that would make you feel disgusted? That’s such an intense emotion to feel.
What is your routine like? It is busy-do you both work long hours? Boring-is one of you working less or otherwise less occupied than the other? What types of hobbies do you have? What did you do when you were dating?
One thing that my husband and I did recently that we found quite fun and thrilling was to recreate our first date (trip to the art gallery, then dinner out). It was nice to be able to take that break and recapture some of that nervousness and exuberance of the first date. If you do rule out depression as the cause, I would also suggest trying something like this.
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2019 - Green Bay, WI
I…can relate to this almost 100%.
I was married before. My husband was like yours—kind, caring, made me feel safe, was “comfortable” and was my best friend. He was all I had ever known. But…I just didn’t love him like I was supposed to. I don’t know if I ever did love him. I had been with him for 9 years, but we first got together when we were 14. I didn’t actually know what love was. And now I’m engaged again, and I do.
I never wanted to be intimate with my husband the way I am with my now-fiancé. It disgusted me and I felt dirty and I hated it. Now I look forward to it every day.
I started thinking about other men while with my husband too. Hell, I always did. I would also sometimes talk to other men. Now I would NEVER risk that. It never crosses my mind. I want no one else.
I would advise you to deeply consider this and really think about what you want right now. Will you be happy with your husband forever? Will it be enough? Will you have kids? Do you want kids with him or someone else?
One thing I can say:
It was the most painful, heartbreaking thing I’ve ever done—leaving my husband—but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if I knew I would end up right where I am now. I’ve never been happier.
Post # 8
Have you recently come off BC?
Post # 9
Normal.to have random thoughts, fixating and wanting, different.
It sounds like your depression, tbh. Maybe you should see your dr?